Maybe There's a Rabbit Hereabouts

Lookum!! I findum Br'er Rabbit,

finally at last!! Hoo boy, has this been a struggle buddy.

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If you see, or hear, or taste a rabbit today, you will have good luck all month long. So far I have not done any of those, so you know I am shit out of luck rabbit for not having good luck this month.

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Question: Who invented fractions?

Answer: Henry the l/8.

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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to:

"DAD"

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

"Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tatoos, motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion....Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

"We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

"We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstacy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry, Dad.

"I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

"Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

"Love,

"Your son, John.

"P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my desk's center drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home."

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Subject: The latest from Sven and Olaf --

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory -- and both were laid off. So they went to the Unemployment Office together. Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 per week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation, replied "Diesel fitter." The clerk looked up the occupation and found it listed as a skilled job. So the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"Vat skill!!? yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven pulls them over his head and says, "'Diesel fitter!!'"

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My favorite phrase today is the cellphone company. N., you remember Good Ol' Ma Bell? Def.: The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.