Hilary Maketh Disappearance

Hilary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk to the children. After her talk, she offers a question-and-answer time.

One little boy raises his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he replies. "And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"Actually, I have three questions:
"First, whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years as President?
"Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
"Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then, the bill rings for recess. Hilary informs the kids they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hilary says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hilary asks him what his name is. "My name is Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" she asks.

"Really, I have five questions:
"First, whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years as President?
"Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
"Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
"Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"Fifth, what happened to Kenneth?"

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A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard when he dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench, glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and sang out proudly:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

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My favorite phrase today is fully recovered. Adv., good thing it wasn't botulism. Def.: What happens to the guy who falls into the upholstery machine.

The Lad Has All the Answers

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. So one day they decide they want to get married. Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this is just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without taking even a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can fit in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny gets $5 a week and I make $10 a week. That's about $60 a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

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A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks, and says, "Well lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm."

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break its leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to that bird, I'm going to do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

"Well, mister, I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go."

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My favorite word today is LAN. N., where the next rover settles down. Def.: To borrow, as in "Hey Delbert! Can you LAN me your truck?"

It's So Nice to Be on High

It is the time for Christmas (or Hannakkuh or Kwanzza, whatever you're into) gifts. I am giving away dead batteries. They are free of charge.

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I wonder if monkeys can tell jokes as well as we can? We'll see.....

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

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When four of Santa's elves got sick (click on "Merry Xmas" to see why they were sick), the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and he had no idea where they were. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa, even more irritated, marched to the door, yanked it open -- and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. (That's a story that lens itself to laughter.)

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My favorite word today is reboot. Adj., I'm not quite ready. Def.: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Tie a Can to It

In the Pig Apple, architects and engineers compete to see whose team can build the most elaborate structure, using little more than cans of food at Canstruction, the 13th annual NYC Design and Build Competition. The best thing: When it's all over, all the cans go to the Food Bank.




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An example of why we love children:

It was the end of the day when he parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking and he saw a little boy staring at him. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure it," he replied." Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally, he said, "What'd he do?"

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On a Translatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is often, and things go from bad to worse. Suddenly, one wing is struck by lightning.

One pretty woman loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane and yells, "Im too young to die." Then she says, "If I'm going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Wyoming cowboy stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well-built, with dark brown hair and brown eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his short, slowly. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps. He whispers, "Iron this. Then get me a beer."

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Six truths of life:

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You will soon email this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

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My favorite word today is keyboard. N., at least 88 keys. Def.: A place to hang your truck keys.

The Pickled Fickled Finger of Fate

Sometimes I start out writing a b**g and forget what it was supposed to be about. You've never done that. Me, I start out writing about winter squash and first thing you know I'm fishing in Mud Puppy Lake.

Here's a persample: I found this youtube thing the other day and captured it for my b**g. Put it where you see it now -- and promptly forgot what it was all about. It could have been about finding long-necky dinosaurs in Montana, but I'm pretty sure it's not. It, more likely, was about dung beetles in Tumbuktu, but I'm not sure.

And then suddenly it dawns upon me! It is about The Finger. And not just any Finger, but The Deadly Fickle Finger of Fate!

Let's look in and see. Maybe it's not so bad.......

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In 1886, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University in Illinois. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with his right leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There, he found a large piece of wood embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing other than being trampled.

Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty-one years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its right foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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My favorite word today is cursor. N., it could be worser. Def.: What some guys do when they're mad at their wife.

The Punster Strikes Again

One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to the pull the wool over our ice."

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This woman is wearing the best in Hanes.

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Maybe the guy below didn't mean this kind of tail.

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A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas when he sees a sign on a restaurant:

"Lobster Tail Beer"

"Holy moley," he says to himself, "my three favorite things."

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I knew it! I knew it! I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-a-Flat

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A woman says to her butcher, "Those sausages you sold me yesterday were meat at one end but nothing but cornmeal at the other end."

The butcher replied, "Well, you know how it is...it's difficult to make both ends meat."

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My favorite phrase today is Santa's elves. N., jolly old toymakers. Def.: Subordinate clauses.

Accchmed the Dead Terrist

Click here for a dose of Achmed, the dead terrorist. Or not. I mean, if you don't like humor.....

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Ol' Achmed will take you about 10 minutes to gather it all in, so the rest of this post will be of the short-end variety. Like.....

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Scientists have announced that we have made contact with an alien race. Their planet consists of a gigantic shopping center. The skeptical scientists didn't believe it at first. How could this be. But, after tremendous amounts of research, they have confirmed.....
.
.
.
.
...that it's a mall world after all.

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"Forgive me father for I have sinned," a woman said in the confessional. "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest though for a minute and said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass, then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No," said the priest, "but it will wipe that smile off your face."

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"When I'm gone I want you to marry our neighbor," a man on his deathbead said to his wife.

"Why our neighbor?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all your life."

"Still do," gasped the husband.

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My favorite word today is floppy. N., they make these anymore? Def.: When you run out of Polygrip.

Just Another Day at the Pharmacy

A calm and respectable lady went to the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight in his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things can happen. Absolutely not! You cannot buy any cyanide."

The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife in bed.

The pharmacist looked at the picture, and said, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't say you had a prescription."

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The Right Wing TV Preacher was in the shower. Although he is very strict about the one man-one woman rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of those occasions. Just as he reached a climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of his sanctimonious seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," said the Preacher. "You can't print that. You'll destroy the reputation of my TV Church."

"This is my lottery win," said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Preacher offered the buy the camera. After lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a price of two million dollars.

The Preacher then dried himself off, dressed, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she said. "How much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars," said the Preacher.

"Two million dollars!!" said the housekeeper. "They must have seen you coming."

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My favorite phrase today is poultry in motion. Adj., which came first? Def.: The chicken crossing the road.

Miscellhoonius

Here is another cartoon featuring Engrish. Reminds me of me. So it goes.

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How about this display of loyalty?

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Tabor has offered me this here meme, which goes as so:

* Link (see above) to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your b**g.
* Share 7 random and or weird things about yourself.

I have done this before, but I didn't get all the weirdo-ness out of my system. Here are more others some a few:

1. When I got hungry as a child I would fill a salt-shaker with sugar and spend half a day lapping it down. This is how I became so sweet.

2. At about age 30 I had my first Sweet and Sour Pork. This is how I became so acidic.

3. At about age 8 I memorized a bunch of gum ads ("Gimme a pack of Beeman's Pepsin chewing gum, please." "Double your pleasure, double your fun." This is how I learned to appreciate Black Jack gum.

4. I was about 12 when a few of us crawled into the Horse Caves, northeast of Bend, OR. Scary place. I got out. I never went back. This is how I became a fraidy-cat.

5. Television came to Albany, Oregon, where I was working, in about 1955. It was in a bar, in the Albany Hotel. This is how I learned to go to bars. In hotels.

6. In 1958 I hiked 6 miles, mostly uphill, to Firecamp Lakes in Oregon. First, I called the Game Commission to find out if there were fish in the Firecamp Lakes. I was assured there were fish. This is why I don't believe anything I hear.

7. I am now 77 and have never done any yoga. When I was young, I was able to tie myself into a figure 8. This is why I look like a pretzel. That's pretty weird, I'd say.

Tabor also said I am entitled to tag 7 people to do this meme. No way. All of you are smarter than me.

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Hoo boy, are you ever going to love this.

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My favorite word today is Aids. N., when you and I were young, Maggie. Def.: When my order of human growth hormone arrives.

More Fun and Games

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of the holy season," Pete said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and came up with a cigarette lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and came out with a set of keys. "They're bells."

St. Pete said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow, and asked, "Just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "Those are Carol's."

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Follow the bouncing ball.

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A group of very attractive young female city employees discovered they could nicely supplement their income by moonlighting as call girls. One of the girl discovered she was more successful as a blonde after having her hair bleached.

She convinced the others that the old saying, "Blondes have more fun," is true: The ladied became so popular they were able to charge exorbitant rates. They even charged their taxi fares to the men they served.

When hard times hit, the ladies knew they would have to do something. They understood the law of supply and demand so they decided to lower their rates, and to quit charging the taxis to the Johns.

Thus they became known as (all together now) The taxi-free municipal blondes.

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My favorite phrase today is mouse pad. N., all the electronics stores have them. Def.: What hippies say is where the mice live.

Is There Egg in That Egg Nog?

You want some keen magic tricks? Say no more, just click here. I never seed a fella so clever....

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Every year or so, a representative of the Food and Drug Administration drops in on the Smiling Hill Farm in Maine. No big deal, just checking and on his way. Except this time was different: The inspector spied a batch of Smiling Hill Egg Nog and discovered, to his dismay, that eggs were not listed as an ingredient.

Now, everybody knows egg is an allergen, and so it must be explicity listed as an ingredient somewhere on the one-and-three-eighths-inch-wide cap.

Warren Knight protested: "The cap says Egg Nog!"

Big deal. The inspector told the Maine Department of Agriculture all egg nog on store shelves -- about 400 gallons at that point -- had to be recalled to protect people with allergies who don't know there is egg in egg nog.

Yeah, right. Next you'll be telling us there is maple in the maple syrup and lobster in the lobster.

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Did you ever wonder...

Why sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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My favorite phrase today is red-faced smarts. N., no, not that kind of smarts. Def.: The combined embarrassment and pain when caught publicly plucking your nose hairs.

I Only Use @#$%! When I Have To

Rabbit! Rabbit! Say this on the 1st of the Month (or, in this case, the 3rd) and have good luck all month long. Like I do.

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The 1st of the Month is also when we present our Perfect Post winner. This time it's Vitamin Sea, and how she collects the remote.

"Perfect Post" is the brainchild of Momma K and Lucinda. Go visit these sites to see names of all the winners.

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There are only a few times when using the @#$%! word is permissible:

11. "What the @#$%! do you mean we're sinking?" -- Capt. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$%! was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did aall those @#$%!ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%!ing idiot could understand that!" -- Einstein, 1938.

7. "It does so @#$%!ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$%! did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%!ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$%! are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%!ing showers my ass!: -- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw, c'mon, who the @#$%! is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%!ing mad!" -- Saddam Hussein, 2003

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Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a french journalist and animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting. "Tell me," the interviewer began, "what do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "Naw, deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next?' 'Who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away?' They are very much like the French."

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My favorite word today is balderdash. N., speedy goodbye. Def.: A rapidly receding hairline.

She's Got Zits on Her But I Love Her

Have you seen this gem? A little old lady is caught snoozing at a crosswalk. Too bad about the wake-up toot. I love YouTube.

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Dear Hoss:

My wife has these terrible zits on her back. When we're making love my fingers inevitably touch one or more of these dudes, which gives me the willy-nillys. Is there anything that would get rid of these zits? --Nillied in Nullsville.

Dear Nillied:

Battery acid, acetylene torch and a cold chisel all work good on zits. Or, you could cut off your hands.

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This is supposed to be an American experiment. Fascinating, although I don't know what it's supposed to prove. Maybe that you can atomize an airplane if you do it right....

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Dear Hoss:

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"? --Bemused in Bimini.

Dear Bummed:

I think it's because that's when Limbaugh is on. Maybe not.

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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him and said, "Hi, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she said. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men. What's your name?"

He said, "Bob Titsenbeer."

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My favorite phrase today is floppy disc. N., they don't flop 'em like they used to. Def.: What you get from carrying in the Sunday newspaper.

Comfort Comes in a 1-Pound Gift

The theory is that when you get sick, you get a pet to confront comfort you. So Scamp goes to this pet store and gets this teensy thing, which is supposed to cheer me up.

This is a Papillon, made up mostly of ears. It currently weighs about a pound, but the veterinarian said in time it will get all the way up to FIVE pounds. We like it immense like. And I AM recovering, sort of, so don't feel bad for me. If I get viciously ill, I will let you know.

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Ways to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Watch them slow down.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors."

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! Third time this week!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

At the drive-through, specify that your order is "to go."

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More new words and definitions by dropping the first letter of a word:

iarrhea. Def.: Running on about oneself.

oreplay. Def.: Laying the groundwork for entering the mineshaft.

ouch-and-go. Def.: A dominatrix's house call.

oxtrot. Def.: A particularly ungraceful "Dancing With the Stars" performance.

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My favorite word today is inoculatte. N., get it at Starbuck's. Def.: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Busted

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth died on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which one of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, the most perfect breasts God ever created. I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, then asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged, and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair."

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The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a fine horse but I will still kill you in two days. When is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, the horse gallops away. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a many of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse -- alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dumb ass horse. For the last time, bring posseeeee!!"

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My favorite word today is download. N., after loading up. Def.: Getting the groceries out of the car.

You Have a Cat Like This?

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force moujth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Crown Royal. Pour shot, drink. Apply whiskey compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Toss back another shot. Throw bloodied T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followe by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume rest of whiskey. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in air.

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My favorite phrase today is ho's who? N., with pictures yet. Def.: National registry of prominent hookers.

Big Bird

Before I became a sicknik we went to the Oregon Coast. En route we passed by the Jackson Bottom Wetlands Preserve at Hillsboro to see this one-of-a-kind: the nest of a Bald Eagle.

I pictured the Scamp here for perspective's sake (the nest is the one with the sticks. Ho ho har de har har). The nest was in a three-pronged tree, part of which had fallen and the rest was due to go. So the local electric company chopped the tree off, lowered this to the ground, and gave it to the refuge. A permit was obtained from the US Fish and Wildlife Service.

Here's the power company in action. The entire contraption weighs 3,000 pounds.

It is the only known Bald Eagle nest in the entire Noo Nited States.

And, yes, the Momma and Poppa eagles still nest in the area. Hooray for wildlife.

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The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!"

The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"

The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck."

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The Bobbitts are back together and now are evangelists. She is using, as her text, the Book of Acts, and he is using Second Peter.

(Shame on you, sis.)

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My favorite word today is pumpkin. N., a friend of Peter Eater. Def.: The cousin who works at the gas station.

Whut Do You Know About Dat?

More sick-nik news: I am able to visit your b**g, but commenting wears me out. I visited everybody on my b**groll Saturday. I can write a post, although it takes a long time. Very long....

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If you are the sort of person who uses "words" like whut and dat, you need some finishing school. Ol' Hoss comes to the rescue.

1. Write a short sentence, such as "Whut makes dat go round basswards, Me Poppa?"
2. Send this, along with your credit card number, bank account number and current paycheck (if any) to Hoss at OldScrewU.com.
3. Receive in return an edited version of your sentence. In this case, an amended version would read: "HOW COME makes THAT go round basswards, Me Poppa?"

Repeat as necessary.

Satisfaction guaranteed, as always.

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Do you suppose this guy gives out Red Letter New Testaments with a set of 4?

And maybe preaches on the side?

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Have I ever shown you this clip about how to ease the boredom? Pretty funny second time around, too.

If you've already seen that, how about this clever guy? (Not for children.)

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The architect for the Dubya Bush library has said the building must incorporate "the spirit" of the Bush presidency. Some readers took note and offered these suggestions:

"It will need a huge facade."

"The building would have no public entrance. The private entrance might offer a copy of the Constitution as its doormat."

"A grand fireplace filled with burning memos."

"Instead of building a library, why don't they just steal Al Gore's house and use that?"

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My favorite word today is Riskies. N., can you see this coming? Def.: Cat food made in China.

Only in America and Elsewhere

Only in Thailand...

Only in India...

Only in China...

Only in America...



Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do people order double cheesburgers, large fries, and a diet cola.

Only in America do banks leave the doors open but chain the pens to the desk.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: In Latin, "Poli" meaning "many," and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

Only in America do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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So Brenda and Steve took their 6-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, Steve explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

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My favorite word today is ecnalubma. N., do we need more vowels there, bub? Def.: The kind of emergency vehicle you only see in a rear-view mirror.

Well Pee on Me

Shucks. I have been in the hospital for two days. Miss me?

Some people don't favor the way I am not breathing. Almost not breathing. They haven't got rid of me yet, but I am giving more thought to my reincarnation plan. Here are my current options:

1. Come back as Jesus Christ and do a lot of good works.
2. Come back as a dung beetle and eat all the dogshit on the Oregon beaches. More good works.

Let me know how you feel about this.

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Here'a a cartoon which you will need to embiggen. (Is "embiggen" a word, like hitonious is?)




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My favorite word today is giraffiti. N., does spray paint come in dark chocolate? Def.: Vandalism painted way, way high.

Hang Me Loose, Moose!

If it hadn't been for the picture, the tale of how this moose got up there would not be believable.

"This happened near Fairbanks, Alaska. Some workers were laying new power cables, which were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and are very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables. When the men, miles away, began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up too. The workers noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem. He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground. The moose was a 60-inch bull -- who was slightly peeved."

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Lame joke of the day:

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Morse toad.

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Have you seen this yet? Click on the download under the blank picture. Its title: Why Men Die Early...

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I have started writing this book. I have written quite a few words (600?) and it is going swimmingly. Maybe 500 words. It is about this pastor who dances in a gay bar and who has an unfaithful wife. So we get to see all kinds of savory creatures.

I can't imagine it being a best seller at this point. I think I am going to have to invent a new character -- some old guy who is short of breath because the Surgeon General didn't warn us about cigarettes soon enough. Some guy like me.

Now I think we got the makings of something good.

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My favorite word today is Amished. N., one of them Pennsylvania people. Def.: Hungering for a simpler way of life.

He'p Me, Ol' Hoss, He'p Me!

You surely remember Joe Friday? Here he is with Johnny Carson, starting an investigation into the copper clapper caper.

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Dear Hoss:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV, as usual. I hadn't gone more than 100 feet down the road when my engine conked out. I walked back home to get my husband's help -- but when I got home I couldn't believe my eyes! He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed up in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my makeup.

I am 32 and my husband is 34, and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Mrs. Sheila Usk of Tuscaloosa

Dear Mrs. Tusk:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking to see there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips hiolding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the ejectors.

I hope this helps.

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Dear Hoss:

Our dog is embarrassing us to death. Every time someone comes to the house, Reginald (that's the dog's name, okay?) humps their leg. Sometimes both legs. Sometimes four legs if there are two callers. Is there anything we can do to get Reginald to stop this?

Lois Mayne, of Champaign

Dear Champaign Mayne:

The best thing to do is hump Reginald's leg. Any of them will do. If Reginald likes this, I guess it won't solve anything. Have you thought of having it killed?

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My favorite word today is coffee. N., old black java. Def.: The person upon whom one coughs.

HITONIOUS: Such a Nice Word

Today, Nov. 8, is Melody Ann's birthday. A friend of hers has taken over her site and is offering various useless and inane gifts to Melody, who is OVER 40! You can see all this here.

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There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

So saith this clever wordsmith, Mr. Somebody. He does not know, apparently, that hitonious (more than horrid) comes close. (Thanks to Jamie Dawn,, who invented the word.)

(See, the thing is, if enough of us use the word -- hitonious -- it might get picked up by a dictionary or two, and Jamie Dawn will be famous or infamous, take your pick.)

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In Japan, dressmakers use their imagination. As in this case, where all these dresses are made of condoms. Very useful, too: They're not likely to run out.







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Colonoscopies are no joke, but, what the hey? A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Can you hear me now?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"You know, in West Virginia we're legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

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My favorite word today is ignoranus. N., some weird kind of proctologicism. Def.: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Let's See Now....

See this fella on the left showing off his very fine physique to the bouncing babe? Please click on the photo to find that not all is what it seems. Ho ho har de har har.

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Speaking of which, how's this for a wedding party of two?

In truthiness, I have a million or a zillion of these. Like, here:









Okay, like maybe I had four of them. So it goes. Scientists say "Hoss is too bad."

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Physics (different kind of physique) classes are tough in college.

Prof: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?"

Sophomore: "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there."

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My family doesn't have any traditions. We just do the same thing year after year.

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This redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that will cut six trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top-of-the-line model. The redneck, suitably impressed, buys it.

The next day, he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is diddly-squat. It would only cut down one tree, and it took all day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the redneck says, "What's that noise?"

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My favorite word today is oyster. N., oyster on the shell game. Def.: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Hoss Pays Off

A few days ago, I ran this picture and asked you readers to give me a caption. Several people played along, while a bunch of you
confessed you are not funny. Me too, but I know funny when I see it, so I reckoned I could judge this contest as good as anybody else. So I did. But I am not good at splitting hairs, so we have three winners of University of Oregon Charging Duck sweatshirts (in black!). For various reasons.

First, I liked this caption by Shane, one of them England blokes:

"In the distance, Roger had spotted the rare Brown Pelican. Now if he could quickly load the camera and move those infernal walkers, the next shot might be worth $200." Pretty nifty, huh?

But Shane liked the caption produced by Raggedy:

"I wasted my last shot on the penis log, and Elvis and Sasquatch show up. Aargh!" Well, I like it too.

Also, there is an honorable mention for Jana, on account of she said the magic words: "It's cold. I need a sweatshirt." I am a sucker for pretty girls.

Now then, speaking of sweatshirts, here is Ol' Hoss modeling the shirt he is sending to these three people. The Donald Duck on the shirt is licensed from Disney. The word "Oregon" appears on the Duck's hat, but you can't see it from here. Or wherever you are.

I hope the winners look as good in it as I do. But don't hold your breath.

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All of his life, Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

When Ole's 21st birthday rolled around, he and his pal, Corky, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Gramma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, they were born in January and you were born in July."

Ho ho har de har har.

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My favorite word today is Pokemon. N., odd fellow. Def.: A Rastafarian proctologist.

Raggedy and Rabbitry: Nov. 1

You know this drill: You say Rabbit Fricassee! Rabbit Fricassee! on the first, and you'll have good luck all month long. I am sure there will be some bickering about this because, maybe, you don't need a fricasseed rabbit. Ah, well, one rabbit tastes as good as another.

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The First is also the time we honor fellow b**ggers for their fine work during the month. The honorees get a Perfect Post, which is the dreamchild of Momma K and Lucinda.

My Perfect Post recipient for October is none other than Raggedy, for this swell post. She features country singer/guitarist Doc Watson, with three songs you wanna hear. Well, I did, anyway.

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A man is waiting in the doctor's office. A casual aquaintance walks in and sits down next to him, and asks, "W-w-w what are y-y-y you d-d-d doing here?"
The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W-w-why d-d do y-y-you w-w-want to s-s-s-see him?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A p-p-prostate p-p-problem? W-w-what's th-th-that?"

"I pee like you talk."

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My favorite word today is willy-nilly. N., come' si, come' sawbones. Def.: Impotent.

Stripping Down to the Bones

This seems appropriate for Halloween, since it's got a lot of bones in it. It's a politician with his head up....well, you know.

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How does a good-looking Dutch babe turn into a spooky skeleton? Darned if I know. See all the action here.

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The Tata Group, a Mumbai, India, company that handles customer service calls for several U.S. firms, has outsourced some of its work to a firm in Ohio. The client insisted on operators knowledgeable about U.S. geography.

Now then, if the clients would just insist on operators knowledgeable about the U.S. language......

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I was amused (and so are you) by questions reportedly asked by visitors at national and state parks and other wilderness areas, according to Outside magazine:

Niagra Falls State Park, New York: "Where can I buy a ticket for the barrel ride?"

Grand Canyon National Park, Arizona: "Exactly why did you guys put it here?"

Denali National Park and Preserve, Alaska: "Can you show me where the yeti lives?"

Watson Lake, Yukon Territory, Canada: "What time do y'all turn on the Northern Lights?"

Mesa Verde National Park, Colorado: "Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"

Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming: "Can we eat this?" (holding a handful of moose droppings that look like Milk Duds.)

Carlsbad Caverns National Park, New Mexico: "How much of the cave is underground?"

Yosemite National Park, California: "Where are the cages for the animals?"

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I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Lifeline. I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

The operator was very excited and wanted to know if I could fly a plane or drive a truck.

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My favorite word today is assmosis. N., seep no more, my lady. Def.: The process by which some people obtain advancement by kissing up to the boss.

What If They Gave News and Nobody Came?

At 7 p.m. PST Monday, I have done a guest b**g for Tisha Sharp. It's pretty good bad so-so. But if you wanta see it, which you do, go to where it's at.

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Does this need a caption?

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Strange goings-on today: There was no news.

You may not have noticed, but nothing happened today. Ellen DeGeneres did not have a dog; Obama Barack did not criticize anybody; Hillary did not talk Spanish; nobody died in an 8-truck accident in a California highway tunnel. Nobody stole from anybody, and nobody gave anything back that they stole. Nothing bad happened. Nothing good happened.

Now then, you are a TV station. What do you report?

Steve Bittermouth here, reporting from Downtown:

Uh, Anchorfella? Yesterday there were 3 muggings here. Today? Nada. Zip. Back to you.

Anchorfella: Very good, Steve, way to churn it out. We have Liza Weatherhead here to explain tomorrow's weather.

Liza here, reporting from Mt. Whitney:

Nothing is happening today, Anchor fella. There are no clouds, no rain, no wind, no snow. I would have to say we have nothing. Back to you, Big Fella.

Anchorfella: Do we have any auto accidents? Any husband beating up on his wife? Any wife slicing off her husband's penis? No thefts, no purloins, no hounds of Baskerville?

(Program manager: If you can keep this up for 15 more minutes, we can sign off in victory.)

Larry the Cable Guy: Hold it, fellas, I got some NEWS!

Anchorfella: Yes! Yes! Let's have it!!

Larry the Guy: Yes! Yes! The newspaper has published today's edition -- and it is 32 blank pages! Sort of sums up No News Day, huh?

Anchorfella: You ass. No way does that fill 15 minutes.....

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My favorite word today is irritainment. N., scratch that. Def.: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

It Is Costly to Be a Geek

My local newspaper had this theft report: Sept. 28, 6:20 p.m., 25400 block, 95th Avenue -- A $1,400 laptop computer, $200 external hard drive, $280 iPod, $150 headphones, $1,000 in computer programs, $350 digital camera and other items were reported stolen from a business van.

Just think about this. Fifteen or 20 years ago the guy who lost all this stuff wouldn't have had any of it. That's what is meant by "the good old days." Also, scientists say this is "too bad."

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Are you feeling witty today? Here's a cartoon without a caption. Its purpose is to invite YOU to write a caption in the comments. And there is a Grand Prize: a University of Oregon sweatshirt. Put on your laugh cap and think away. You know whom will be the lonesome judge.

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Here are some advisories for living the good life:

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room so you can get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Also, remember this: A good friend is like a good bra; hard to find, supportive, comfortable and always close to your heart.

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My favorite word today is Bernadette. N., a.k.a. Bonnie.
Def.: The act of torching a mortgage.