This Will End, Eventually

Here's a shaggy dog story, laid on me by my sister, Tan Lucy Pez.

In the dead of summer, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. It was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular: "Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water, thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore, thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwish. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, at which point I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."

You think this is enough activity for one bank of one lake? There is more.

A wee mouse down by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat luking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the bank of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear, and the mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly.
The bear grabs the fish.
The hunter shoots the bear.
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.
The cat jumps for the mouse.
The mouse ducks, and
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is probably in danger.

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My favorite word today is innie. N., a lint receptacle. Def.: The tiny depression in a Nabisco cracker.

When a House Is Not a Home

Your house as seen by the appraiser.


Your house as seen by the buyer.


Your house as seen by the assessor.


Your house as seen by the lender.


Your house as seen by you.


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A man left work one Friday sfternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night he was confronted by his furious wife and was bombarded for his action by an angry tirade for over two hours.

Then his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which the husband replied: "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Finally, on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.

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My favorite word today is dweeb. N., uh, what's your sign? Def.: The kind of person who has to leave before the party can be enjoyed.

What's in a Name Game?

I just love Turkish television: You can watch the pictures without getting invested in the ads because they speak this weird language that no one understands. So I feel safe in recommending this ad for a bank in Turkey, because the pictures are worth at least 2,000 words. To see this gem, click on Click.

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for most patients when they're being discharged. However, this girl working as a student nurse found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase as his feet -- who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "I think she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns?"

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes," replied the first man, "that's the one." He then turned toward the kitchen and called out, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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My favorite word today is wrinkles. N., frozen laughter. Def.: Nostalgic reminiscenses of a million smiles.

Bush Takes It in the Shorts Again

You know what this is, right? Of course you do. (It's an assaulted peanut.)

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I ran across this thing that almost made me weep. It's one of those things that make you go: "Wouldn't it be neat if this were true?" Go see this. You'll get a warm spot in your heart.

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SEINFELD:

"On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

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Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and, frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused; they faxed; they e-mailed; they e-mailed with attachments; they downloaded; they did spreadsheets; they wrote reports; they created labels and cards; they created charts and graphs; they did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell. But then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's GONE! I lost everything when the power went out." Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files for the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

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My favorite word today is fox. N., now up to size 16. Def.: The almost-completely-forgotten girlfriend from your distant past for whom your wife has an irrational jealousy.

Holy Goodness! Somebody Shrunk Us

Here's somebody's version of how to put us in our place:







So what it amounts to is this: I appear to be at the top of my local food chain, but pretty small potatoes in the big scheme of things.

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A very elderly gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asks kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

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My favorite phrase today is doubling your money. V., a tip from the investment banker. Def.: Fold your bill over once and stick it in your pocket.

Golf Is a Four-Letter Word

I just noticed: My post Thursday was my 666th. Who knows what evil lurks...

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As I love to educate you, today I am offering some thoughts on "The Greatest Love Stories of All Time." Strangely, my bodice ripper entitled Long Gone With the Wind and the Rain did not make the Top 10. I will have to check, but I am pretty sure it is in there at No. 11.

The "Greatest Love Story" is -- ta da! -- Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte. I don't know what this is. Probably something about a man and a woman. Or maybe two women?

No. 2 was Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, and No. 3 (finally!) was Romeo and Juliet by Willie the Shake.

(Another strange fact: King Kong did not crack the Top 10. Wasn't even 11th, obviously.)

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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of relaxation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today."

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it."

"Well, we were on the fifth tee....and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540-yard, Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green. I hit the drive of my life -- I just creamed it. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted -- and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards from the tee."

"Oh, my," commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball, and runs down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in its paws."

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother, with a knowing smile.

"No, that wasn't it, either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare, and said...

"You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"

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My favorite phrase today is big toe. N., what is easiest to stub. Def.: In a shoe store, what pops out of your sock to see what's going on.

Hot Dang! The Camera Works Again

See them elk? This is a product of my camera, which has declined to let me post pictures to my computer for more than two months. I got a expert over here and he figgered it out, and so now I can show you a thing or two.

These elk were bedded down in the City of Cannon Beach, on the northern Oregon Coast. They showed no alarm when several of us non-elk dropped by to picture-make. This was in February. They might still be there.

Now then, see these? One of them is my Scamp, and one of them is a tree. (Go ahead, make a guess as to which is which.)

This scenery is on the Smith River Cutoff, from the California Coast eastward into Southern Oregon. (Hint: Scamp is the one who is cold.) The tree is one of the smaller redwoods in N. California.

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A cop is patrolling the local lovers' lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. Then he notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled, he walks to the car and gently taps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"

The cop says, "What are you doing?"

The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the woman in the back seat, he says, "And what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs. "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in the night in a lovers' lane, and nothing obscene is happening.

The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?" The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop then asks, "And her....what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

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My favorite word today is average. N., median, mode, etc. Def.: What every person denies being.

You Can Thank Me Sooner

"Round and round the vinegar jug, pop! goes the weasel...."

Okay, explain this, please. What does it mean "pop! goes the weasel"?

I'll wait here.... (Sits, drumming his imaginary drum, hums a tune, waits...and waits...)

I'll tell you tomorrow. Meanwhile, back to.......Huh? Can't wait? Okay.

This isn't even funny. What it means is a very useful household good (the weasel) has been pawned (popped) to get money for Saturday night's drunkfest. "The weasel" is an iron. Your children don't know this, so next time they tell you they know everything, you can pop their weasel.

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Q.: What should you do if you see a spaceman?

A.: Park your car in it, man.

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In Daytona, Fla., the home of the city's police chief was burglarized while he was at a community meeting, giving a speech about home-burglary prevention.

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A company looking to hire someone for an important position narrowed the dozens of applicants down to three. They decided to give them all one last question, and to hire the one with the best answer.

The question: A man and woman are lying in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

The first two gave up. The third said, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names: It's either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

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My favorite phrase today is pro bono publico. Adj., Marc
Antony is mulling this one over. Def.: When a flasher shows his bone in public.

This Cloud's for You

A lot of women read this piece, and some of them (you) confess to having man problems. Couple of you come right out and say you lookin' for a good man. Listen, think of this: If you want to enter a relationship that's bound to turn sour and is almost impossible to get out of, look into a time share.

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Here are two titles for new Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream:

"Britney Spears' Shaved Coconut"

"Dick Cheney's Go Fudge Yourself"

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fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too:

I cdnulo't blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Pniotnig to the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rsceearh at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are; the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteers be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

(Did you know that olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can raed taht?)

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My favorite word today is indefeatabobble. Adj., but it might be a conjunction or commotion. Def.: This is a word I am selling to George W. Bush.

Oh, for Some Bathtub Gin

Here's something designed to drive you nuts -- the US Air Force test. The Air Force uses this to test fighter pilots, and expects them to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a whirl. It can take as little as .135 second or go on for a long time, it's that addictive. (In 10 tries, my best was 11.6 seconds, but most were around 5 seconds.)

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The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'" -- Jack Handy

(Warning: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.)

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra

(Warning: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.)

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny Youngman

(Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.)

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." --Benjamin Franklin

(Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.)

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." --Dave Barry

(The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.)

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm:

"Well, you see, Norm, it's like this....A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

(Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.)

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My favorite word today is rectitude. N., rectum, hell, it killed the bastard. Def.: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Happy Easter, or How to Trick 'Em Obey

Back in the 1960s, a friend who worked with me went to Portland to try out for the position of copy editor at The Oregonian. He was told just to observe and not to mark up any copy.

This was near Easter, and he kept seeing the phrase "Easter Sunday" go by, uncorrected. Finally, he looked around and slyly amended one piece of copy to make it read Easter Sunday. As he told me later, "Easter is ALWAYS on Sunday. I couldn't stand it."

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Here are some Easter cookies I been hoarding:








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My favorite word today is abdicate. Adj. V., reminds me of Idi Amin. Def.: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Is That Dark Chocolate? Could It Be That....

This so boggles the mind....This is what is called "The Chocolate Jesus," a full-size depiction of an anatomically correct (balls and all) Big Ernie that was supposed to be on display this week in NY. This is 200 lbs of chocolate which mostly has gone to waste. I mean, how can you make a chocolate Haysus with ears that can hardly be nibbled? And another thing: How does anyone know this is supposed to look like Big Ernie? Is there somebody around today who was living with him back then to affirm this? Hell, maybe he was blonde.

Anyway, some Catholics threatened to torch the hotel where the show was supposed to be, so the whole thing has been cancelled. The artist who made this said people were jumping to conclusions. This from a guy whose previous efforts included spraying five tons of pepperjack cheese on a Wyoming home, and festooning another place with processed ham.

Now then, this guy is Obama all gussied up to look like Big Ernie. The artist of this piece says he is trying to point out that, while Barack is fresh with new ideas, he ain't exactly the Messiah. Obama, like me, says he's mystified.

Some people are trying to buy these things. And no wonder: Rumor has it that a vision of the Virgin Mary appears on the chocolate Jesus's left hambone.

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This happened a while back, and it is just getting out. It seems that when Rumsfeld was briefing President Dubya one morning, he allowed that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the color ran from Bushie's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rummy, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

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The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch and then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He says, "I'm going to the doctor. I'm gonna get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately his wife arises from her rocker and begins putting on her coat. He says, "Where the hell you going?"

She responds: "I'm going to the doctor too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

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My favorite word today is flabbergasted. Adj., suck it up or suck it out. Def.: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

When You and I Were Sick, Maggie

My friend The Amateur Doctor said I should drink Aquavit and Vodka, and eat herring in sour cream. He said this will fix up my body just fine.

Recovering my aplomb and my tummy, I said the doctor has ruled out booze and I cannot stand herring in anything. He said, "So go ahead and die; see if I care." I should, just to piss him off.

Anyway, my regular doctor says I maybe do/don't have an infection and I should keep taking pills and I should stay off the booze. I probably do not have diverticulitis, so she wants me to see a gastroenterologist, who can do a GI Joe on me. So since I'm thinking about taking an airplane ride, it is just as well that they have given up offering free drinks.

Summing up, I am no longer very sick in body but still sick in the head.

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Here's a pre-nuptial agreement, senior style:

An elderly couple in their 80s were about to get married.

She: "I want to keep my house."
He: "That's fine with me."
She: "And I want to keep my Cadillac."
He: "That's fine with me."
She: "And I want to have sex six times a week."
He: "That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays."

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And some nominees for "Oddest Book Title of the Year":

"How Green Were the Nazis."

"The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification."

"Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence."

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So this New Englander is flying west and he strikes up a conversation with his seatmate.

"You must be a cowboy," he says. "I see your finely polished boots, your string tie, your Levis with a sharp crease, and pearl buttons on your shirt. I'm just wonderin' where your hat is."

Seatmate: "I put my hat in the overhead, but danged if you ain't right. And in return, let me guess that you're a Harvard graduate."

New England: "That's amazing! How did you figure that out?"

Seatmate: "I noticed your ring when you picked your nose."

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My favorite word today is aplomb. N., something carpenters use: aplomb bob. Def.: A stage in which a Brooks plum transmorgrifies into a prune.

Hoo Boy! I Almost Let Rabbit Day Go By

Well, hallelujah! I am not well, but I am better, and I have to get my rabbit on here before it's April 2. Otherwise I will have bad luck all this month and nobody wants that.

So, Rabbit! Rabbit! Now I get good luck. Hooray for me.

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My favorite word today is willy-nilly. Adj., or willy won't he? Def.: Impotent.