Music Hath Charms and Walnettos

It turns out that I have quite a musical bent. My mother never mentioned it, but it is just a terrific gift. I can play any song ever written after hearing it just once or twice. Probably I will be on You Tube soon.

The thing is, this got me to thinking about a way to Make My Pile. Which I haven't done much of lately. But this seems like a real prize-winner. See, what I can do is advertise to sell lessons for, maybe, $50 or $250 a pop, and in no time at all I will have my reincarnation fees covered. (They say Big Ernie don't take checks.)

So, if you are interested in learning how to play a musical instrument, let me know and I will let you in on the ground floor for $49, or $249, a pop, whichever seems right to you. So let me know when you get your kazoo, and we will get right into training you.

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Probably you didn't also know that I am quite the gardener. A regular Jolly Green Thumb am I. But, foolishly, I made a bet with Miz Mell about who would have the first tomato. This was foolish because, as I later discovered, I live in growing season #7, and she lives in a hot house. So she has had lots of tomatoes while I am still waiting for just one of my babies to turn red.

I also planted some Giant Pumpkins, which will grow like Jack's Beanstalk. Funny thing, that. I hate pumpkin pie.

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My favorite word today is reintarnation. N., y'all come back, ya hear? Def.: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

A Traveling We Will Go....

A couple days ago, Scamp and I went motoring (heh. how the British speak) westward to a place called Butteville, which is pretty close to Champoeg, which is where Oregon was born. (Are you keeping up?) I didn't get any pictures of Buttville (cq) for I had no camera. But I did get an ice cream cone. And on returning home, I got THIS picture, from our very own garden.

Stargazer, who b**gs under that name and also as my buddy Teacher Woman, will love this. For her stargazers were a bust this year. Not ours. Our stargazer plant is healthy, and it is pretty because I said so.

So, about Champoeg. Many years ago (around 158 years, or so), a bunch of free white men (that's a slur) got together in a field at Champoeg, and one of them says, "Who's for a divide?" So they did -- one side for joining the United States, and one side for joining....wait for it....FRANCE!! As you might expect, France did not win.

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Some preacher is appearing in Portland who claims you don't need to be worried about going to Heaven, because everybody is. He has this weird claim that it doesn't matter if you're saved, just as long as you believe IN HIM!! I love this, for it means we atheists skate. Muslims, too, for all that means.....

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If God has no home address, is he homeless?

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Strange facts: In Romania, a convicted murderer sued God. Pavel Mircea, who is serving 20 years, filed suit against God two years ago for not protecting him from "evils." Mircea also wanted financial compensation for all the money he spent on candles and church services that he claims did not help him, either.

Unfortunately, it looks bad for God, for no lawyers have ever made it to Heaven.

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My favorite word today is Frisbeetarianism. N., sail me on a slow boat to China. Def.: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Words From My New Buddy

One of my new buddies is a guy named Paul Nichols, who is funny and also hip. The other day he said I complimented him -- and I think what that means is that I stole from him. But I sometimes don't give credit cause I forget where I get these things. However, THIS one I didn't forget, for it comes straight from Paul:

"I just learned that when Adam woke up from a deep, deep sleep he discovered a new, beautiful, two-legged creature over in the meadow. 'What the...?' he wondered. The Lord suggested that Adam go check it out. So Adam went over to see the beautiful new creature. A few minutes later he hurried back and breathlessly asked the Lord, 'What's a headache?'"

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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all conversing one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

And the Hunchback said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They all then decided to go to the library and look into the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty read the book first, and said, "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and was triumphant. "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Then the Hunchback checks out his credentials in the book. He emerges looking utterly confused. He asks, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

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My favorite word today is personality. N., don't mess with Mr. In-Between. Def.: What lawyers use for birth control.

Lady Uterus Have Two Part

Before we get into the bit that matches the title, we have to go visit Monty, who is a b**gging fiend. Pretty soon she is going to put up a post on her site
every 30 minutes, for 24 hours. It's in the way of a fund-raiser for Cerebral Palsy research.

You go over there (PLEASE) and pledge anything from $1 (if you're really that skimpy) on up to several quintillion dollars; whatever you got on you and that you won't miss. We (her b**gger friends) have so far pledged over $500, which entitles us to an online song from Monty. And a second song will forthcome when she gets to $700.

This is a good cause, folks, so please dive in.

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Here's from the marquee on the church down the road:

"Exposure to the Son may prevent burning."

Twisted, huh?

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Okay, about the title: Kristi, a b**gger ("Here in Idaho") acquaintance of mine, listed some searches that had gotten to her b**g. Here's what the search question inquired:

"how many of part of lady uterus"

Idaho's answer: "Lady Uterus have two part: the woo-woo and hoo-hah."

Ho ho har de har har, Hoss chortled.

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You ain't seen nothing till you seen this Bush boy.

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My favorite word today is lymph. N., I'm so gland to see you. Def.: To walk with a lisp.

A Tisket, Etc.

This here is my non-Indian basket, made by my new friend, Leslie.

You think this is easy? Ho. She has to go out in the spring, in Alaska, to find just the right tree that got its sap goin' mile a minute. Then she gotta trim and slice and organize big pieces into little pieces.

Then she has to decide whether she wants to spend the next several days (weeks?) making a basket for Ol' Hoss. Which she did. And I treasure this mightily, so I had to show it off.

Hoss is blessed.

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Today's Ebonic word from the Louisiana Public School System:

OMELETTE

Let's use it in a sentence:

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

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George moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it to her.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A week later he receives a letter from his grandmother, which says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle.....it makes your nose look too short."

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(The last 2/3rds of this is from my sis, Tan Lucy Pez. I told her I wouldn't tell, though, so please button up.)

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My favorite word today is glibido. N., exercises for the tongue. Def.: All talk and no action.

I Told You This Would Be Easy

One thing I forgot to mention when I said b**gging is easy: You will need a big dictionary. Unabridged size. Whopper. This is one you do not stand on to look in the neighbor lady's bedroom. This one is for real and cool and all like that.

Now then, once you got your dictionary, you set it beside your computer, because that's where the words come from that you will need to make a b**g post. So, what you do then, is you select from your dictionary, say, 800 words of various leanings and put 'em in your b**g. (If you're stuck for a headline, gimme a heads up. I can handle that. For instance, here's an all-purpose headline: Eeny Meeny Meiny Schmo. No charge.)

The tricky part is knowing just which words to select from your dictionary. For instance, if you select "dung beetles," but your b**g is about your child's birthday party, you probably can't work that in. Unless, of course, you are having a picnic in Africa, somewhere around where the elephants go long. Also, you do not want to select the word "reproduction" unless you are writing a "birds and bees" post.

But there are plenty of other words you CAN select. For instance, this post is full of them.

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This is not funny. It is simply one of my favorite songs, from Speedy.

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I've been meaning to tell you. I know a whole lot of uses for lemon and vinegar. Unfortunately, I've never been confronted with a situation where this known-it-all would be useful. So I think I will work on remembering some off-beat uses for duct tape, WD40, and Phillips Milk of Magnesia.

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My favorite word today is caterpallor. N., Crayola's finest. Def.: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Look for Me on Your Dresser

Something I wrote recently has come back to give me a reminder. It said, "I am not going to live forever...." Pretty deep, huh? And for a guy who don't believe in the God thing, its also pretty bleak.

Well, it would be bleak for some people, but not me. As you know, I plan to reincarnate; the only thing is I can't make up my mind as to what to reincarnate as (or to?). But my mind, ever working working working, has come up with this: Why don't I just reincarnate as something you treasure? See, I don't think there's any limit about the number of reincarnations you can have, so I guess I can come back as your childhood shoes, your dog, your brooch hubby gave you, the smile your wife gave you, your cat, your car, anything you really like.

And I will like you back.

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A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin, and truth be told, he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers under the sheet as her husband undresses in the dark.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly.

A thoughtful silence ensues and he waits patiently. She eventually whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls....Numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks her:

"You want....Garlic Chicken wiff Corrifrowa?"

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My favorite word today is bozone. N., just this side of the Milk Way. Def.: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

Hoss Changes the Pace

The other day one of my grandkids asked how I felt about being old. It's an interesting question, don't you think?

Growing older, I decided, is something of a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize for long.

As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I don't chide myself for not making my bed or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need but that looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to be messy, to be extravagant, to smell the flowers. I have seen too many friends leave this world too soon -- before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until midnight, and then sleep till ---? I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or when you have to put down a beloved pet? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

As you get older it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've earned the right to be wrong.

So I like being older. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here I will not waste time lamenting what could have been or worrying about what will be.

Live simply. Live generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And adhere to the golden rule: So it goes.*

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My favorite phrase today is steel wool. N., I wish I had hair like that. Def.: A group loofah for masochists.

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(Most of this I didn't write. I don't know who did, either. But it's still pretty good.)

That a Shriner Hat?

My pal Sudiegirl said I had to put this picture on my b**g. Well, maybe it wasn't Sudie. Maybe it was her cat, Chelmsford, who guest posted for Sudie and instructed: "You needs put picture in post too so everybody can see how bee-yoo-tee-ful it is. Dat way you share dee luv." (Her cat apparently is two ticks short of a minute.)

What the cat (?) wants to know is where I would put this monkey in my house if I had it. I am happy to oblige.

1. First I would see how well it fits in my garbage can.

2. Or, I would put it on the patio to scare the starlings away.

3. Or, I would put it on the front porch to scare vacuum cleaner salespersons away.

4. Or, best of all, I would convert it into a pinata, and give the illegal immigrants some punchbag time.

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Go here to see what lengths some guys will go to catch a ride.

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Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" when we are already there?

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My favorite word today is ohnosecond. N., only takes a minute. Def.: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG error. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake.)

Here (at last) Is That Meme, Margaret

A long time ago (May 18 to be exact) the Teacher Woman, a.k.a. Margaret, laid a meme on me. This is because I am the best memer ever lived and it is a wonder I don't get 2-3 million hits on it but that's the way it goes and so it goes. I guess scientists would say that is "too bad."

But I will try to save some space in the Comments section for you, as you is my best buddies and huggers for which I appreciate mightily. Anyway, here is this here meme:

What are you most proud of?
I guess you could say that I am proud of having outlived two-thirds of the members of my high school graduating class. And I'm still picking them off, day by day. Purty soon I will be the last one standing, and then I will vote myself most likely to succeed.

On the other hand, I am utmost proud of being one of the leaders of the campaign to fluoridate the water in Salem, Oregon. This was a long time ago, and we got it done via ballot measure. So now all the little knee biters born in Salem have me to thank for the fact that they can bite my shorts.

Who is the least qualified candidate for President, and why?
Fifty-two percent of the people say they wouldn't vote for Hillary no matter what, so I guess unelectability is a pretty good reason. There are other reasons, too, like getting elected senator from New York when your hometown is Hope, Ark. And her failure to get a health program going. And that her husband is Slick Willy. And that she stole all the White House china when Mr. Slick left office. But I guess the worst of all is that she's got fat calves. Nobody wants a misshapen President.

What book or movie changed your life?
I am sure that it was Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, the one that's about 6 inches thick. See, when I was a little guy I couldn't see over the fence between us and the neighbor lady. But I got a little help from my friend -- the dictionary. By standing on it I could see over the fence straight into her bedroom. Hoo boy, what a education I got....

What made you decide to start b**gging?
Egotism, plain and simple. Now, of course, I do it because you all would go nuts if I didn't put a piece on here now and then. I have a big investment in your laugh wrinkles.

What is your favorite drink, non-alcoholic or alcoholic?
Did I tell you I was once a member of Alcoholics Anonymous? My kidney is still full of coffee. But I got over that and now I drink vodka, although sometimes I switch to bourbon, and occasionally get a hankerin' for Glenfiddich, and then, of course, there's your B&B. I'll let you pick my favorite, as long as it's at least 80 proof.

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My favorite word today is karmageddon. N., one of those ooommm things. Def.: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

The Kidney Thing Makes Beans

Have you noticed lately that gas prices are coming down? Big deal. Don't you remember when we thought $2 a gallon was outrageous? I hate being conditioned like this.....

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Okay, explain this.

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Somebody (my local newspaper?) listed some statements made by school students that lent themselves to frivolity. For instance:

Q. Name the four seasons
Ans. Salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the Moon, because there is no water on the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A. The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O and U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

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My favorite phrase today is salmon day. N., three little fishies swam over the dam, boop boop... Def.: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

I Am Not Wholly Pure

I forgot that today is the Fourth of July, so I failed to ask you to send me some illegal fireworks. Rats. Well, just send me the money, instead.

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The reason I didn't get a G rating was because they detected I had used the word "shit" and the word "pooh." Guard your kiddies' ears, dudes and dudesses.

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There are two basic types of Yoga. One requires much practice, patience and discipline. Here is Yoga from India, the kind that my friend Bonnie enjoys.

The second kind of Yoga, not so much. Below is Yoga from Ireland.



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Consider:

1. When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

2. They keep talking about the Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Under the new Supreme Court, we are not using it.

3. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

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My favorite word today is assmosis. N., seeping through the rye. Def.: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Vicki Makes Perfect Posts and Cookies

This is a sort of rabbit, which is good enough to get the job done: Say Rabbit Rabbit! and display a rabbit picture early in the month and have luck for 30 days hath September, April, June and November, all the rest have 31, save that stupid February.... The Pez Family does this, and I do it too, having caught on that my horseshoe was nailed wrongside up.

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The first (or second, depending upon how Sunday falls) is also the day when a whole passel of us announce the winner of our Perfect Post. This was invented, as you know, by Momma K and Lucinda so we could honor good readin' and writin', mostly writin'.

My Perfect Post goes to my pal, Vicki, for her post about husband Rich's discovery of the trash compactor. And if that wasn't enough, she also threw in her recipe for "Better Than Sex Molasses Cookies." Go enjoy.

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I rear-ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin' dwarf!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Which one ARE you, then?"

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My favorite phrase today is percussive maintenance. N., what Ringo does. The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.