And to All, Good Nighty!

Here's a swell Christmas poem I got from LadyBug:

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-a-Way Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like Angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jello, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow,
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter.
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.)

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Saying "Ho ho ho, ain't it bad to be poor?"
But he took all our presents, and went into the night,
"The Salvation Army just knew you weren't tight."

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My favorite phrase today is old age. N., which creeps me out. Def.: When you don't really care what the neighbors think.

Eeny, Meeny, and Harry

This cop sees the low-rider pull out of the Kentucky Fried Chicken parking lot. A bucket of chicken is on the roof of the car.

The cop sees his chance to be a Good Samaritan. So he hauls the guy over, grabs the bucket of chicken off the top of the car and says, in a happy tone of voice: "Want some chicken?"

Driver says: "No, thanks. I just bought some."

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How to Clean the House (I got this from ______. Fill in your name here.):

Open a new file in your PC.
Name it "Housework."
Send it to the Recycle Bin.
Empty the Recyle Bin.
Your PC will ask you: "Are you sure you want to delete 'Housework' permanently?"
Calmly answer: "Yes," pressing the mouse button firmly.

Feel better?

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Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age. So he puts them in a sack. In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest monkeys also have kicked the bucket. Waste not, want not, so he puts them in the sack with the finches and pitches them into the lion's cage at feeding time.

"Holy cow!" the lion roars. "Not finch and chimps again!"

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My favorite phrase today is dual careers. N., so who's taking care of the kids today? Def.: Reference to a fencing teacher.

Just Waiting Here

Waiting to see the doctor has become something of a science with me. I have had to see several medicos recently, and most of them are quite prompt in seeing that I do not have to wait in the waiting room. Instead, I am taken from the outer sanctum, where there are magazines, to the inner sanctum, which has no magazines. "Doctor will be right with you," I am told. (Why they don't say "the" doctor is beyond me. Maybe it is advanced baby talk.)

But, I say to myself, this is progress. I am not in the outer room waiting, but in the inner room waiting. "This," I say, "is progress, for the doctor will see me before he/she sees anyone in the outer room, because he/she has to empty Rooms A, B, C, D, E and F first. That means I am practically next in line."

In turns out I am next in line, but Rooms D, E, F, A and B seem to get emptied before the doc gets to room C, where I am, magazineless. There are things to read, though: You can while away time reading the diplomas on the wall. These are good for at least 2 minutes and 12 seconds, unless you are visiting an opthalmologist, where the nurse will dilate your eyes instantly so you can't see them.

You also get to wait without your clothes. The nurse says take it off, take it all off, and so you do. Then you spend time trying to get comfortable on the available seating, which usually is marble or stainless steel, with built-in refrigeration coils.

"Doctor" eventually comes in, says "How we doing?" I think, "We"? I answer: "I'm okay, but you seem a little peaked today. Lemme see your tongue."

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My favorite phrase today is fast food. N., make haste, Pablo. Def.: What you eat during Lent.

One Hunnert Thousand and Then Some

I started this here b**g in January, 2005, and started counting visitors in April of that year. So I was gonna make a big whoop-de-do when I got to 100,000. But it 's too late.

I just checked, and I have 100,100 hits. And about 40 comments. Maybe 50, or so.

But for the life of me I can't figure out what's a big whoop-de-do, and why it should matter. So I asked my sometime buddy, Feelgood Haines.

Feelgood: "It's something all right, but prolly not so mucking fuch."

Ol' Hoss: "What you mean, 'not so mucking fuch'? 100,000 people is quite a many."

Feelgood: "You know how many people they is in China? Or India? Hunnert thousand is small change to them dudes. They lose a million folks in a earthquake or a flood and think nuthin' of it. 'So it goes,' is what they say."

Ol' Hoss: "So it goes?"

Feelgood: "Yeah. I suppose you never heard that before. It's pretty new."

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"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." --Britney Spears.

"The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards." --Jablokov.

Broccoli would be better if it were made of meat.

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate." --Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

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My favorite word today is live-in. N., getting divorced in Connecticut. Def.: A housedress.

Why We're Going to Love Women

We all know it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman, other than his wife, naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So, this Sunday at 4 p.m. Eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonsterate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment. The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America and GOD BLESS AMERICAN WOMEN!!

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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon (according to my buddy Kenju), when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years I took your advice about where to go.

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

"Two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

"And last year you suggested Tahiti, and dang if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther: "So what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob: "This year I'm takin' Earlene with me."

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My favorite word today is trouble. N., right here in River City. Def.: A Baptist, when he's not held under long enough.

Sundry Assorted

Who are some of the relatives of werewolves?

Ans.: Whatwolves and Whenwolves.

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Man's ultimate embarrassment: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

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Student to Bus Agent: "I want to buy a ticket for Norwald."

Bus Agent: "Okay, let's see....uh...Norwald? I don't see a Norwald on here. Can you tell me where it is?"

Student: "That's Norwald right over there. He's my roommate."

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The blonde is playing Trivial Pursuit and she draws and card from "Science and Nature." The questioner reads it: "If you're in a vacuum and somebody calls your name, can you hear it?"

Blonde: "Ummmm....Is it on, or off?"

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Cop to street vendor: "You can't sell that stuff without a license."

Vendor: "I know I wasn't selling any, but until now I didn't know the reason."

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My favorite word today is editor. N., with rolled-up sleeves. Def.: A person hired by a newspaper to separate the wheat from the chaff and see to it that the chaff is printed. --Elbert Hubbard.

My Bonny Lies Over the Turkey

You would sing this turkey to the tune of "My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean," also known as "Dubya Rows His Boat Up the Creek."

The turkey shot out of the oven
And rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table,
And partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows.
It totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance;
It smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it,
That turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That's I'd never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn't been popped.

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My favorite word today is dyspepsia. N., what happens when you move. Def.: Withdrawal from Pepsi.

Games People Play

Here are some swell games you can play when you get old like me:

1. Sag, you're it

2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy

3. 20 Questions, shouted into your good ear

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the doc says bend over

6. Doctor Goose

7. Simon Says something incoherent

8. Hide and go pee

9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical recliners

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More of You Know You're Getting Old When....

1. You have a party and the neighbors don't realize it.

2. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

3. You sing along with elevator music.

4. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them, either.

5. Your supply of brain cells is down to a manageable size.

6. You stoop to tie your shoelaces, then ask yourself, "What else can I do while I'm down here?"

7. You can't remember where you got this list.

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My favorite word today is modem. N., the kneebone connected to the thigh bone. Def.: What you did to the weeds in your back yard.

See What Happens?

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," said the homeless woman.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste my time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time tryng to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you nuts?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman. "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead I am going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me."

The homeless woman is astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied: "That's okay. It's important to him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

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Murphy's Other Laws:

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

Just remember: If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, some asshole will try to pass.

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My favorite word today is flashlight. N., one if by sea? Or was it two? Def.: A case for holding dead batteries.

Well I'll Be Durned

I would like you to believe that I sent you this card. But that would be wrong. On accounta it was sent to me by Janie Known as Poopie, who lives over there in West Tennessee. Anyway, it's pretty funny.

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In Oregon, we count the tines on one side of a deer's head and that's the rating it gets. Like, a deer with three tines is a 3-point; one with four tines is a 4-point, and you get the picture. But in some states they count all the tines, so in these examples a 3-point becomes a 6-point, and a 4-point becomes an 8-point. Actually, the states where they count all the tines have the advantage, because sometimes a deer will have 3 tines on one side and 4 on the other. This raises all kinds of hell when a guy is trying to figure out whether he got a 3-point or a 4-point. (There is no such thing as a 3 1/2 point.) (It also raises hell with the vegetarians, who had just as soon this guy had not shot Bambi.)

Now then, what makes this interesting is, when Scamp and I were driving to our new house during the move, a _-point jumped in front of my car and I darn near hit it. I know it wasn't a forked horn (which is a 2-point) because it had more tines than that. But was it a 3-, 4- or 5-point (6-, 8- or 10-)? (Scamp has never hunted, so all she knew was that it had horns -- sort of like I used to have.)

Anyway, the move went just swell, except Scamp's knuckles are bloody and we still have 108 boxes to empty. The movers needed overtime: They started at 8 a.m. and finished at 11:30 p.m. I blame it on the 35 pots of plants Scamp had them move.

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My favorite word today is elderhostel. N., grumpy old man. Def.: Antonym for a friendly senior citizen.

How to Cook a Kangaroo

Here I promised you a camel recipe, and came up instead with

Roast Kangaroo

Select and clean one medium kangaroo

Rub inside with 14 cloves of garlic

Stuff with one roast lamb, which has been stuffed with four chickens, which have been stuffed with one fish each, which are stuffed with hard-boiled eggs.

Make a big hole in the sand, fill bottom with red hot rocks. Cover with eucalyptus fronds. Place kangaroo in hole, cover with more fronds and cover with sand. Don't ever dig it up. Kangaroo does not taste like chicken.

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Old is when....

Your friends compliment you on your alligator shoes -- and you're barefoot.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take the fiber today.

"Getting lucky" is when you find your car in the parking lot.

An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

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My favorite word today is nostalgia. N., in days of yore. Def.: Not what it used to be.

No Time! No Time!

We are moving today, to Wilsonville, Oregon. We do not have time to be funny. (But, geez, these movers are s....l....o....w.......)

I will be back. Friday, maybe. I got a good recipe for you: It's how to roast a camel.

What You Learn From Guido Sarducci

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you have led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And, poof! she is gone.

The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna." And, poof! she is gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter is perplexed. "Sara who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head. "I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and hands it back, chuckling: "No, sister. The paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in six months."

(If you laughed, you are going straight to hell.)

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A male whale and a female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan when they notice a whaling ship. The male says, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and, sure enough, the boat turned over and sank. But the crewmen started swimming toward shore, which angers the male whale.

"Let's swim after them and gobble them up," he tells the female whale. But he notices she is not following.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Look," she says, "I went along with the blow job but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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My favorite phrase today is pig ribs. N., with honeysuckle sauce. Def.: Same as pork ribs, only with hair.

The Senator Picks Her Place

Walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Pete. "But before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"I don't see that as a problem," says the senator. "Just let me in."

"Well, I'd like to," says Pete. But I have orders from higher up. I think what we're going to do is have you spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you can choose where you wish to spend eternity."

With that, Pete escorts her to the elevator and down goes the senator, down, down, down to hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a beautiful golf course. In the distance is the clubhouse and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her.

Everyone is happy. They run to greet her, shake her hand and reminisce about the good old days. They play a friendly game of golf, then go to dinner where they have lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who is really a very friendly guy who has a good time telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. There she sees St. Peter, who says, "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of souls who move from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They walk the streets of gold, talk with Jesus and generally have a pretty good time. And then the 24 hours is gone, and St. Peter returns.

"Well," he says, "you have spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a moment and then answers, "Well, I would never have believed it, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Pete escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. It is hot, and it is loud with moaning and screaming of the dead. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash as more of it falls from above.

"I don't understand," says the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and had a great time. What happened?"

The devil looks at her, smiles, and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, the election results are in."

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My favorite phrase today is old age. N., it really does get better than this. Def.: When your wife tells you to suck in your gut, and you already have.

It Is Nice to Have Friends

So, this working woman called the range repairman and made her plea.

"My stove doesn't work, and I want you to fix it. I won't be here, but I will leave the key under the mat. Leave your bill on the counter and I'll send you a check.

"One last thing: I have a big dog, named Boris, but don't worry about it. Just do not talk to my parrot. I repeat: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!"

The repairman shows up and sees this big, ugly dog. But, true to her word, the dog just lies there, watching the repairman go about his work.

It is different with the parrot, however. All the time the repairman is there, the parrot assaults him with vile language, calls him stupid, and never shuts up. The repairman finally can't stand it, and shouts: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"

The parrot: "Sic him, Boris."

(Honestly, I sometimes forget where I get this stuff. Except Bonnie sent me these next ones, which I had to change slightly because accordions are a lot funnier than cellos.)

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A noted comic was flying to Atlanta. He told his seatmate: "I've got a great accordion joke. Want to hear it?"

Seatmate: "I should warn you: I'm an accordionist."

Comic: "That's okay. I'll tell it really slow."

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Q: Why should you not drive off a cliff with three accordions in a minivan?

A: You had room for one more.

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My favorite word today is man. N., Casper Milquetoast. Def.: At the end of a tough week, Big Ernie was really tired when he made this thing.

Politics for the Political

You would think I would have done something like this a couple days ago, just in advance of Halloween. But, see, I lose my brain pretty often, so it can happen anytime. (P. & S.: None of these people is as pretty as me.)

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So, on to local politics, like, from The Oregonian:

Mary Starrett, the Constitution Party's candidate for Governor, does a "blind date" spoof for her Candidates Gone Wild video. As the "date" comes to a close, Starrett and her companion have that awkward conversation:

"Do you love me enough to BLEEP me?", Mary inquires.*

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Ron Saxton, Republican candidate for Governor and former Portland School Board member, sent out a mailer: "Saxton for Governer."

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Rob Brading, the Democratic candidate challenging Speaker of the House Karen Minnis, was born with the name Robert Dick, but had it legally changed.

If any GOP elephant wants to make something of it, the Dems are prepared. Their headline? "Rob Brading, not a Dick anymore."

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My favorite word today is politics. N., strange bedfellows. Def.: Keep your children away from this.

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(* Vote for)

Elephant! Elephant!

You know the drill: Right after Halloween you say Elephant! Elephant!, and all month you will have good luck.


(Maybe you say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of EACH month. It's been awhile. But the thing is, I DO have an elephant joke.)

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This is a great recipe:

Take one elephant and cut it into bite-size pieces. Cook until tender. This will serve 4,360 people.

If you have more people than that, it is okay to add a couple of rabbits to the mix. But be warned: Some people do not like hare in their stew.

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"Is this beef rare?"

"Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

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My favorite word today is grindstone. N., Down by the old grindstone, where I first met you.... Def.: Get polished or ground down, take your pick.