How I Was Then

You don't recognize this fella, right? Me neither. But my buddy Scamp tells me it is me, way back when I had more hair (mustache) and no air hoses. The picture is crooked because that's just the way I am.

Anyway, don't have an orgastic. You can get a tie like that anywhere.

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Whozat in a name:

In Bushnell, Fla., a student at a high school named Your-Highness Morgan has a cousin named Gorgeous Morgan. (Then there's the niece, Pigout Morgan.)

From a legal notice of a name change published in the Honolulu Advertiser: Walaulia Alohi anail ke alaamek kawaipe olanihenoheno Kam Paghmani" changed to Walaulia Alohi anail ke alaamek kawaipi olanihenoheno Kam." (Boy howdy, can't you just see how much someone would hate being called Pahg?)

Charged with stealing nearly $300,000 from the Locust Valley Cemetery Association on Long Island, NY: Donald Death Jr. (Dr. Kevorkian's nephew.)

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My favorite word today is elderberry. N., cousin of an elderhostel. Def.: What funeral homes do with old people. Synonym: Box elder.

We Have No Scene Here

At last! I have computer again. Thanks for bearing.

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I am reading this book about weird things that have happened in Florida. And yes, I said "book" -- more than 200 pages of items. For instance:

The train from Tallahassee was notorious for always pulling into Jacksonville late. One day it came in right on time, amazing the regulars. They swarmed the engineer -- only to hear him sadly inform them that this was yesterday's train.

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The Bushnell, Fla., Assembly of God got a sweepstakes notice from American Family Publishers announcing tht God, of Bushnell, was a finalist for a one-million-dollar prize.

"God, we've been searching for you," it said. "What an incredible fortune there would be for God! Could you imagine the looks you would get from your neighbors. Don't just sit there, God."

(Yeah, for Christ's sake, God, get off the dime. Order them mags!)

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A woman whose body was found in a northwestern Florida county may have been a victim of a hit-and-run accident more than 10 miles away. Sheriff's spokesman Jim Leljedal said, "We've got a scene on Highway 27 where there is not a victim, then we have a victim here where's there no scene."

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My favorite word today is experience. N., been there, done that. Def.: What teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.

Whersh the Party, Peeps?

I have not been visiting lately because my computer is broke and I can't get it fixed because it is Happy Yuletide and nobody wants to work except me but of course I don't know how to fix anything so this is not going to help, so it is going to be awhile but I will be there eventually and how do you like this for a run-on? (I am using Scamp's puter; it is temporary. She is permanent, though.)

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I said awhile back I wouldn't post no more recipe posts. Of course I lied.

Xmas Cookies

1 C water
1 tsp baking soda
1 C sugar
1 tsp salt
1 C brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 C nuts
2 C dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Jose Cuervo to check its quality.

Take a large bowl and check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink for this part of the recipe

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat some more.

At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still okay. Try another cup to make sure it is not going bad.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruitcakes.

Pick the friggin' fruit off the floor. Mix on the turn-er. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewsciver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, somefink, whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees. Don't forget to bean off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas.

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My favorite word today is vacuum. N., good word for a spelling bee. Def.: Nothing, shut up in a box.

Santa Got Run Over by a Reindeer

For as long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED:

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and...

Paranoid: Santa Claus Is Coming to Town to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent Night, Holy ooooh Look at the Froggy...Can I Have a Chocolate?...Why Is France So Far Away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....

(For this little juicy bit, I owe Lois Lane.)

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My favorite word today is ignorance. N., how come you ain't winnin' no spellin' bees? Def.: If this is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

All About the Children From A.S.S.O.U.T.

Well, I guess nothing could be worse than this: Some punk college kid has come out in favor of showing your butt crack. I am having a hard time with this, for you know how much I am NOT in favor of asscrack. Woe is me.

Here's what I know about it: A University of Michigan sophomore, Tyler Perriman, 20, has created an organization known as American Students Safeguarding Our Underwear Technique (A.S.S.O.U.T.). This, he says, is an organization "dedicated to preserving the rights of people to wear their pants low." He adds, "We're here, we're sheer, and we like to show our rear."

Of course I can't let this go. As you know, I am President of the National Organization of Citizens Ready for Ass of the Concealed Kind (N.O.C.R.A.C.K.). I think we have way more members (9) than Perriman does (1). I am having business cards printed up. Let me know if you don't get yours, for N.O.C.R.A.C.K. simply has to defeat A.S.S.O.U.T. It's the American Way.

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Everybody -- I say everybody -- loves a good buttcrack joke, though. So go see this one.

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, he asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooo? It's only 25 cents!"

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My favorite word today is adult. N., a former teenager. Def.: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.

We Were So Poor.....

So, a polar bear goes into a bar. He says, "Give me a gin..........and tonic."

Bartender says, "Sure; but why the long pause?"

Bear: "I don't know. My father had them too."

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My Sylvia says she was so poor, her rainbows came in black and white.

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this Holy Season," said St. Pete, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven."

The first guy fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he says.

St. Pete says, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

St. Pete says, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The third guy searches desperately, and finally pulls out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looks at the man with a raised eyebrow, and says, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replies: "They're Carol's."

So Merry Christmas.

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My favorite word today is ptarmigan. N., p as in t. Def.: A pkind of pbird.

Blue Ball Comes After Intercourse

If I had a bigger chest, you could see that this says.....oh, never mind. I think you can see what it says. What it says is I got this from my B**g Sister, Nat, also known as Tan Lucy Pez. See, she gifted me this because I am such a swell guy, and I model clothes so spiffily. (Or maybe she was making fun of my lack of prostate; I guess you'll have to guess, but all in all there is no question that I am spiffily.)

Intercourse, Blue Ball and Paradise are little towns out in the Pennsylvania country, near the Amish people. I don't know how close they are to Hop Bottom.

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The family is sitting at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, though surprised, answers. "Well, son, there are three kinds of breats. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties and forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?" inquires Junior.

"Yes. You see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriates both mother and daughter. So daughter asks, "Mom, how many types of 'johnsons' are there?"

The mother responds, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties his johnson is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties it is like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties it is like a Christmas tree."

"Like a Christmas tree?" inquires Daughter.

"Yes, dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

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I'm so old my high school swim team did laps in the primoridal pool.

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My favorite word today is fiber. N., you know, kinda like a fiberous begonia. Def.: What old people find in their carpet, and young people find in their vitamins.

Has Xmas Passed By Yet?

If you want an "art" treat, go see this guy. He is pretty crafty.

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Question: What did all the other reindeer say to Rudolph when he landed on top of Santa's head?

Answer: "You look like a deer caught in the head lice."

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You will be relieved to know: Old age does not last forever.

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Here's a partial re-run of a buddy's Christmas letter:

"'06 was busy, busy, busy! The first 4 mos. I worked two half-days at the slaughterhouse. Sometimes they let me answer the telephone.

"The next four mos. I traveled the West Coast as a side-show freak in Bob's Carnival. I was billed as "Geno, the World's Largest Midget.

"Finished the year peddling gift packs of spray-on meat...."

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Her husband, being unhappy with her mood swings, bought her a mood ring the other day so he could be able to monitor her moods.

They have discovered that when she is in a good mood, the ring turns green. When she is in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

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My favorite word today is net. N., practicing the lob shot. Def.: Holes tied together with string.

Hiya, Cookie!

My buddy Susiewants us all to post a cookie recipe and do a whole lot of other things today in honor of Wednesday the 13th. Or for some reason. (I guess it's called "Blog Cookie Exchange." I am not sending you any, so don't get excited. Make your own.)

Anyway, this struck a bell with me for I have just landed on the world classiest Chocolate Pepper Cookies ever you heard of (the pepper is the secret ingredient; don't tell nobody). And since I am the chief cook and bottle washer here in Oregon for me and the Scamp, here's my (somebody else's, really) cookie:

1 1/2 Cups unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 3/4 Cups granulated sugar
2 eggs, lightly beaten
3 Cups sifted all-purpose flour
1 1/2 Cups unsweetened cocoa, plus additional for rolling
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/3 teaspoon ground black pepper
Pinch of cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
4-6 ounces semisweet chocolate (for decoration)

(In case you doubted I can cook, here I am worrying some garlic to death.)

In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar. Add the eggs and beat until mixture is fluffy. Sift together the flour, 1 1/2 cups cocoa, salt, black pepper, cayenne and cinnamon. Add to the butter mixture and beat until well mixed; if dough seems too soft, add up to 1/4 C up more flour. Shape into a flattened disk, wrap with plastic wrap and refrigerate at least one hour.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment paper. Dust a cutting board with cocoa and roll out the dough until it is 1/8 inch thick (it's best to roll out 1/3 of the dough at a time, leaving the remainder in the refrigerator until it's time to roll out). Cut dough into desired shape with a cookie cutter and set cookies 1-2 inches apart on baking sheets. Leftover dough can be rolled and cut out once more.

Bake for 8-10 minutes, or just until crisp. Cool on racks.

Melt the semi-sweet chocolate and drizzle randomly over the cooled cookies. You can do this by dipping a fork in the chocolate and then twirling it over the cookies. Allow the chocolate to set before serving.

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Now then, I am never going to do this again. So I hope you liked the cooking show cartoon in case you got pretty bored, like I did.....

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My favorite word today is ant. N., much busier than a grasshopper. Def.: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.

More Thefts

Here's something else I stole -- A few paragraphs from our local weekly:

"Nov. 4, 7:04 p.m. -- A library patron reported that she was browsing the book stacks on Oct. 29 when a man took a book off the shelf, sat down on the floor 4-5 feet away, and started masturbating.

"The man asked her if she needed him to move and she said no, then left.

"She thought he then followed her out of the library and continued following after she drove away in her car. She thought he got stuck in traffic."

(Yeah, that stuff can really be sticky.)

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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living his last days in the Old Folks Bide-a-Wee Rest Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace. "My Private Part died today."

"Oh," she said, unenthusiastically.

The next day, Nurse Tracy sees Mr. Wallace going down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

"You shouldn't be going around like that, Mr. Wallace," she said.

"But," says Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday my Private Part had died. Today's the viewing."

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Life is like a dog sled team: If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. --Lewis Grizzard.

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My favorite word today is life. N., live long and live medium-well. Def.: A bitch that has puppies.

Lifted From the Locals

The Oregonian, our local daily, has a column called The Edge that is about offbeat stuff. I steal from it, because it steals from everybody else:

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"A hothpital retheptionitht in Waterford, NY, ith threatening to thue a hothpital that fired her becauth of her tongue thtud and other body pierthingth, thaying the pierthingth are part of her religion ath a member of the Thurth of Body Modificathion, whith claimth to have thapterth in Kentucky and Virginia. Further reportth, ath developmentth warrant."

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And here are some of the results of the Ignoble Awards, for achievements that "cannot and should not be reproduced":

Medicine: A US and Israeli team's discovery that hiccups could be cured with a finger up the rectum.

Ornithology: Two researchers from UC-Davis and UCLA for explaining why woodpeckers do not get headaches.

Acoustics: Three researchers from Chicago's Northwestern University for an experiment aimed at dfiscovering why the sound of fingernails scraping on a blackboard is so irritating.

Literature: Daniel Oppenheimer of Princeton University for his report, "Consquences of Erudite Vernacular Utilized Irrespective of Necessity: Problems With Using Long Words Needlessly."

And my favorite (you had to see this coming):

Nutrition: Two researchers from Kuwait for showing that dung beetles are finicky eaters.

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My favorite word today is youth. N., okay junior, this is a bird and this is a bee. Def.: A nice stage of life that is wasted on young people.

Finishing the Stroll

Ya'all know what a big fan of "mooning" and "buttcrack" that I am. For instance....

And furthermore, here comes Santa....

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My last post started a Stroll Down Memory Lane. This one will finish the walk....


I remember when any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed -- and they did! When about the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathroom, flunk a test, or chew gum. And the prom was in the gym and we danced to an orchestra.

When people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger.

And no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked. And neither were the doors at home.

Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a...." And playing baseball with no adults around to screw things up.

Remember when things from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And when being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat. But we all survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Send this to someone who still remembers Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow, Roy and Dale, and Trigger and Buttermilk. Somebody old, like me....

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My favorite phrase today is old age. N., Let's hear it for Methuselah. Def.: When your back goes out more often than you do.

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

You know how I am about buttcrack. Well lookie here: A great swim suit rendition that nicely covers everything. Sort of. Kinda.

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Here are some things from childhood that you might not never heard of. This is way back before SEGA and Pac Man and funny wars in Iraq....

I'm thinking "Hide and Go Seek" at dusk. Sitting on the porch listening to Lum 'n' Abner or Fred Allen. Kick the can. Going home for lunch, penny candy from the store, hopscotch, skates with keys, Jacks, Mother May I?

Old Maid and Crazy Eights, wax lips and mustaches, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom, running through the sprinkler, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Fran and Ollie -- all in black and white.

Around the corner was pretty far and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Climbing trees and making forts. Lemonade stands, Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, pillow fights, ribbon candy, tinsel on the Christmas tree, Jackie Gleason, walking to the movies, being tickled to death, laughing so hard your stomach hurt, dodge ball, being tired from playing.

Don't step on a crack: You'll break your mother's back. Paper chains at Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington, the March of Dimes, the smell of paste in school.

There were two types of sneakers for boys and girls: Keds and PF Flyer, and the only time you wore them was at school for "gym."

When nearly everyone's Mom was home when the kids got home from school. When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When all your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, and wore high heels.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, all the time. And you didn't pay for air. And you got trading stamps. When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

(To be continued....)

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My favorite word today is aging. Adj., I was a little tad, once. Def.: The realization that you are not young enough to know everything.

We Are Not Yet Through With Christmas

This here is a pitcher some guy took up at the North Pole or some place where Santa hangs out. As he says, you ain't gonna see nothin' like this much -- bunch of suns and moons hanging low like buttcrack. Anyways, if you want to steal this for a desktop, feel free. Ain't mine.

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Alternative ending to "'Twas the Night Before Christmas", from the folks at the Rock-a-Way Rest Home (the picture below is courtesy of Hale McKay):

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red,
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived,
Our Social Security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft 8-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds,
While nurses distribued nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-a-Way Rest,
'fore long you'll be with us. We wish you the best.

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In the Washington Post, readers were asked to list a movie and give an alternative title. One entry:

"The Alamo": "Immigration Reform: The Early Years".

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My favorite phrase today is changing times. N., when you and I were young, Maggie. Def.: Remembering when the air was clean and sex was dirty. --George Burns.

So, Getting Along With Ol' Nick

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

And Then Kipling Said......

My buddy Feelgood Haines jumped me bright and early today.

"Hoss," he says in that whiny pinched voice of his. "Folks tell me you been callin' me a hillbilly."

"Oh, I wouldn't do that," I said disarmingly. "Everybody knows you West Virginia people is some kinda folks."

"I will have you know that 'hillbilly' is now politically UN-correct," says Feelgood. "We-uns is now officially 'Ozark-Americans.'"

"Huh," says I. (I am always ready with the riposte.)

"Yeah," Feelgood says. "So now excuse me; I got some possums to fry."

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I descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. --Phyllis Diller.

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The head doctor (conjures up visions, don't it?) is doing the morning rounds with his students. He pauses before a patient and says, "This man limps because his fibula and tibia are badly arched. Bernie, what would you do in a case like this?"

Bernie: "Yeah, well, um...Yes, I think I'd limp too."

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My favorite phrase today is middle age. N., when you and I were young, Maggie. Def.: When you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

Happy Rabbit Day to You

This rabbit also is in training to learn how to open the refrigerator and to beg at the table. Naturally, I am the trainer.

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Okay, you know the drill: You say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of the month and you will have good luck all month long. I have been doing this for about six months now and have not won the lottery yet. But I am way ahead of the game, for neither have I bought a ticket. (This may not be luck. It may just be another example of how clever I am.)

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Grandma Fritchett went to a school function and won a new radio as a door prize. She then penned the following letter to the principal:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Living Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio. Before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thanks for that opportunity.

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My favorite phrase today is middle age. N., if you remember Ken Maynard. Def.: When a lady's hair turns from gray to black.

And to All, Good Nighty!

Here's a swell Christmas poem I got from LadyBug:

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-a-Way Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like Angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jello, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow,
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter.
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.)

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Saying "Ho ho ho, ain't it bad to be poor?"
But he took all our presents, and went into the night,
"The Salvation Army just knew you weren't tight."

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My favorite phrase today is old age. N., which creeps me out. Def.: When you don't really care what the neighbors think.

Eeny, Meeny, and Harry

This cop sees the low-rider pull out of the Kentucky Fried Chicken parking lot. A bucket of chicken is on the roof of the car.

The cop sees his chance to be a Good Samaritan. So he hauls the guy over, grabs the bucket of chicken off the top of the car and says, in a happy tone of voice: "Want some chicken?"

Driver says: "No, thanks. I just bought some."

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How to Clean the House (I got this from ______. Fill in your name here.):

Open a new file in your PC.
Name it "Housework."
Send it to the Recycle Bin.
Empty the Recyle Bin.
Your PC will ask you: "Are you sure you want to delete 'Housework' permanently?"
Calmly answer: "Yes," pressing the mouse button firmly.

Feel better?

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Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age. So he puts them in a sack. In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest monkeys also have kicked the bucket. Waste not, want not, so he puts them in the sack with the finches and pitches them into the lion's cage at feeding time.

"Holy cow!" the lion roars. "Not finch and chimps again!"

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My favorite phrase today is dual careers. N., so who's taking care of the kids today? Def.: Reference to a fencing teacher.

Just Waiting Here

Waiting to see the doctor has become something of a science with me. I have had to see several medicos recently, and most of them are quite prompt in seeing that I do not have to wait in the waiting room. Instead, I am taken from the outer sanctum, where there are magazines, to the inner sanctum, which has no magazines. "Doctor will be right with you," I am told. (Why they don't say "the" doctor is beyond me. Maybe it is advanced baby talk.)

But, I say to myself, this is progress. I am not in the outer room waiting, but in the inner room waiting. "This," I say, "is progress, for the doctor will see me before he/she sees anyone in the outer room, because he/she has to empty Rooms A, B, C, D, E and F first. That means I am practically next in line."

In turns out I am next in line, but Rooms D, E, F, A and B seem to get emptied before the doc gets to room C, where I am, magazineless. There are things to read, though: You can while away time reading the diplomas on the wall. These are good for at least 2 minutes and 12 seconds, unless you are visiting an opthalmologist, where the nurse will dilate your eyes instantly so you can't see them.

You also get to wait without your clothes. The nurse says take it off, take it all off, and so you do. Then you spend time trying to get comfortable on the available seating, which usually is marble or stainless steel, with built-in refrigeration coils.

"Doctor" eventually comes in, says "How we doing?" I think, "We"? I answer: "I'm okay, but you seem a little peaked today. Lemme see your tongue."

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My favorite phrase today is fast food. N., make haste, Pablo. Def.: What you eat during Lent.

One Hunnert Thousand and Then Some

I started this here b**g in January, 2005, and started counting visitors in April of that year. So I was gonna make a big whoop-de-do when I got to 100,000. But it 's too late.

I just checked, and I have 100,100 hits. And about 40 comments. Maybe 50, or so.

But for the life of me I can't figure out what's a big whoop-de-do, and why it should matter. So I asked my sometime buddy, Feelgood Haines.

Feelgood: "It's something all right, but prolly not so mucking fuch."

Ol' Hoss: "What you mean, 'not so mucking fuch'? 100,000 people is quite a many."

Feelgood: "You know how many people they is in China? Or India? Hunnert thousand is small change to them dudes. They lose a million folks in a earthquake or a flood and think nuthin' of it. 'So it goes,' is what they say."

Ol' Hoss: "So it goes?"

Feelgood: "Yeah. I suppose you never heard that before. It's pretty new."

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"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." --Britney Spears.

"The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards." --Jablokov.

Broccoli would be better if it were made of meat.

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate." --Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

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My favorite word today is live-in. N., getting divorced in Connecticut. Def.: A housedress.

Why We're Going to Love Women

We all know it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman, other than his wife, naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So, this Sunday at 4 p.m. Eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonsterate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment. The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America and GOD BLESS AMERICAN WOMEN!!

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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon (according to my buddy Kenju), when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years I took your advice about where to go.

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

"Two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

"And last year you suggested Tahiti, and dang if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther: "So what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob: "This year I'm takin' Earlene with me."

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My favorite word today is trouble. N., right here in River City. Def.: A Baptist, when he's not held under long enough.

Sundry Assorted

Who are some of the relatives of werewolves?

Ans.: Whatwolves and Whenwolves.

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Man's ultimate embarrassment: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

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Student to Bus Agent: "I want to buy a ticket for Norwald."

Bus Agent: "Okay, let's see....uh...Norwald? I don't see a Norwald on here. Can you tell me where it is?"

Student: "That's Norwald right over there. He's my roommate."

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The blonde is playing Trivial Pursuit and she draws and card from "Science and Nature." The questioner reads it: "If you're in a vacuum and somebody calls your name, can you hear it?"

Blonde: "Ummmm....Is it on, or off?"

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Cop to street vendor: "You can't sell that stuff without a license."

Vendor: "I know I wasn't selling any, but until now I didn't know the reason."

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My favorite word today is editor. N., with rolled-up sleeves. Def.: A person hired by a newspaper to separate the wheat from the chaff and see to it that the chaff is printed. --Elbert Hubbard.

My Bonny Lies Over the Turkey

You would sing this turkey to the tune of "My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean," also known as "Dubya Rows His Boat Up the Creek."

The turkey shot out of the oven
And rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table,
And partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows.
It totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance;
It smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it,
That turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That's I'd never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn't been popped.

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My favorite word today is dyspepsia. N., what happens when you move. Def.: Withdrawal from Pepsi.

Games People Play

Here are some swell games you can play when you get old like me:

1. Sag, you're it

2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy

3. 20 Questions, shouted into your good ear

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the doc says bend over

6. Doctor Goose

7. Simon Says something incoherent

8. Hide and go pee

9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical recliners

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More of You Know You're Getting Old When....

1. You have a party and the neighbors don't realize it.

2. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

3. You sing along with elevator music.

4. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them, either.

5. Your supply of brain cells is down to a manageable size.

6. You stoop to tie your shoelaces, then ask yourself, "What else can I do while I'm down here?"

7. You can't remember where you got this list.

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My favorite word today is modem. N., the kneebone connected to the thigh bone. Def.: What you did to the weeds in your back yard.

See What Happens?

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," said the homeless woman.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste my time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time tryng to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you nuts?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman. "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead I am going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me."

The homeless woman is astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied: "That's okay. It's important to him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

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Murphy's Other Laws:

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

Just remember: If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, some asshole will try to pass.

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My favorite word today is flashlight. N., one if by sea? Or was it two? Def.: A case for holding dead batteries.

Well I'll Be Durned

I would like you to believe that I sent you this card. But that would be wrong. On accounta it was sent to me by Janie Known as Poopie, who lives over there in West Tennessee. Anyway, it's pretty funny.

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In Oregon, we count the tines on one side of a deer's head and that's the rating it gets. Like, a deer with three tines is a 3-point; one with four tines is a 4-point, and you get the picture. But in some states they count all the tines, so in these examples a 3-point becomes a 6-point, and a 4-point becomes an 8-point. Actually, the states where they count all the tines have the advantage, because sometimes a deer will have 3 tines on one side and 4 on the other. This raises all kinds of hell when a guy is trying to figure out whether he got a 3-point or a 4-point. (There is no such thing as a 3 1/2 point.) (It also raises hell with the vegetarians, who had just as soon this guy had not shot Bambi.)

Now then, what makes this interesting is, when Scamp and I were driving to our new house during the move, a _-point jumped in front of my car and I darn near hit it. I know it wasn't a forked horn (which is a 2-point) because it had more tines than that. But was it a 3-, 4- or 5-point (6-, 8- or 10-)? (Scamp has never hunted, so all she knew was that it had horns -- sort of like I used to have.)

Anyway, the move went just swell, except Scamp's knuckles are bloody and we still have 108 boxes to empty. The movers needed overtime: They started at 8 a.m. and finished at 11:30 p.m. I blame it on the 35 pots of plants Scamp had them move.

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My favorite word today is elderhostel. N., grumpy old man. Def.: Antonym for a friendly senior citizen.

How to Cook a Kangaroo

Here I promised you a camel recipe, and came up instead with

Roast Kangaroo

Select and clean one medium kangaroo

Rub inside with 14 cloves of garlic

Stuff with one roast lamb, which has been stuffed with four chickens, which have been stuffed with one fish each, which are stuffed with hard-boiled eggs.

Make a big hole in the sand, fill bottom with red hot rocks. Cover with eucalyptus fronds. Place kangaroo in hole, cover with more fronds and cover with sand. Don't ever dig it up. Kangaroo does not taste like chicken.

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Old is when....

Your friends compliment you on your alligator shoes -- and you're barefoot.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take the fiber today.

"Getting lucky" is when you find your car in the parking lot.

An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

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My favorite word today is nostalgia. N., in days of yore. Def.: Not what it used to be.

No Time! No Time!

We are moving today, to Wilsonville, Oregon. We do not have time to be funny. (But, geez, these movers are s....l....o....w.......)

I will be back. Friday, maybe. I got a good recipe for you: It's how to roast a camel.

What You Learn From Guido Sarducci

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you have led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And, poof! she is gone.

The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna." And, poof! she is gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter is perplexed. "Sara who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head. "I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and hands it back, chuckling: "No, sister. The paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in six months."

(If you laughed, you are going straight to hell.)

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A male whale and a female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan when they notice a whaling ship. The male says, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and, sure enough, the boat turned over and sank. But the crewmen started swimming toward shore, which angers the male whale.

"Let's swim after them and gobble them up," he tells the female whale. But he notices she is not following.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Look," she says, "I went along with the blow job but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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My favorite phrase today is pig ribs. N., with honeysuckle sauce. Def.: Same as pork ribs, only with hair.

The Senator Picks Her Place

Walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Pete. "But before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"I don't see that as a problem," says the senator. "Just let me in."

"Well, I'd like to," says Pete. But I have orders from higher up. I think what we're going to do is have you spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you can choose where you wish to spend eternity."

With that, Pete escorts her to the elevator and down goes the senator, down, down, down to hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a beautiful golf course. In the distance is the clubhouse and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her.

Everyone is happy. They run to greet her, shake her hand and reminisce about the good old days. They play a friendly game of golf, then go to dinner where they have lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who is really a very friendly guy who has a good time telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. There she sees St. Peter, who says, "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of souls who move from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They walk the streets of gold, talk with Jesus and generally have a pretty good time. And then the 24 hours is gone, and St. Peter returns.

"Well," he says, "you have spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a moment and then answers, "Well, I would never have believed it, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Pete escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. It is hot, and it is loud with moaning and screaming of the dead. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash as more of it falls from above.

"I don't understand," says the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and had a great time. What happened?"

The devil looks at her, smiles, and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, the election results are in."

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My favorite phrase today is old age. N., it really does get better than this. Def.: When your wife tells you to suck in your gut, and you already have.

It Is Nice to Have Friends

So, this working woman called the range repairman and made her plea.

"My stove doesn't work, and I want you to fix it. I won't be here, but I will leave the key under the mat. Leave your bill on the counter and I'll send you a check.

"One last thing: I have a big dog, named Boris, but don't worry about it. Just do not talk to my parrot. I repeat: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!"

The repairman shows up and sees this big, ugly dog. But, true to her word, the dog just lies there, watching the repairman go about his work.

It is different with the parrot, however. All the time the repairman is there, the parrot assaults him with vile language, calls him stupid, and never shuts up. The repairman finally can't stand it, and shouts: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"

The parrot: "Sic him, Boris."

(Honestly, I sometimes forget where I get this stuff. Except Bonnie sent me these next ones, which I had to change slightly because accordions are a lot funnier than cellos.)

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A noted comic was flying to Atlanta. He told his seatmate: "I've got a great accordion joke. Want to hear it?"

Seatmate: "I should warn you: I'm an accordionist."

Comic: "That's okay. I'll tell it really slow."

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Q: Why should you not drive off a cliff with three accordions in a minivan?

A: You had room for one more.

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My favorite word today is man. N., Casper Milquetoast. Def.: At the end of a tough week, Big Ernie was really tired when he made this thing.

Politics for the Political

You would think I would have done something like this a couple days ago, just in advance of Halloween. But, see, I lose my brain pretty often, so it can happen anytime. (P. & S.: None of these people is as pretty as me.)

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So, on to local politics, like, from The Oregonian:

Mary Starrett, the Constitution Party's candidate for Governor, does a "blind date" spoof for her Candidates Gone Wild video. As the "date" comes to a close, Starrett and her companion have that awkward conversation:

"Do you love me enough to BLEEP me?", Mary inquires.*

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Ron Saxton, Republican candidate for Governor and former Portland School Board member, sent out a mailer: "Saxton for Governer."

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Rob Brading, the Democratic candidate challenging Speaker of the House Karen Minnis, was born with the name Robert Dick, but had it legally changed.

If any GOP elephant wants to make something of it, the Dems are prepared. Their headline? "Rob Brading, not a Dick anymore."

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My favorite word today is politics. N., strange bedfellows. Def.: Keep your children away from this.

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(* Vote for)

Elephant! Elephant!

You know the drill: Right after Halloween you say Elephant! Elephant!, and all month you will have good luck.


(Maybe you say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of EACH month. It's been awhile. But the thing is, I DO have an elephant joke.)

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This is a great recipe:

Take one elephant and cut it into bite-size pieces. Cook until tender. This will serve 4,360 people.

If you have more people than that, it is okay to add a couple of rabbits to the mix. But be warned: Some people do not like hare in their stew.

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"Is this beef rare?"

"Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

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My favorite word today is grindstone. N., Down by the old grindstone, where I first met you.... Def.: Get polished or ground down, take your pick.

Ho Ho Har de Har Har

A public employee is in an accident, and is badly injured. On awakening, his best friend is there to tell him "I have good news and bad news."

Friend: "First off, you are severely injured and you'll never be able to work again."

Public Employee: "Okay, what's the bad news?"

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I had/have this bad hip, for which I got a cortisone shot. No dice. So my Doc says he's going to give me an epidural, which is a shot in the lumbar region.

"What do you call that?" I inquired.

"A shot in the woods," he replied.

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So these two guys go way out in the woods (lumber region) camping. They have plenty of beer, but discover they have no opener.

Fred says to Chet: "You'll have to go back to town and get us an opener."

Chet: "No, I'm not going. As soon as I go you'll eat up all the food."

Fred: "No I won't. I'll wait till you get back."

So Chet leaves. After about 5 days, Fred is a bit hungry. So he opens up a little sack of lunch meat and takes a bite.

Chet, who is hiding behind a big boulder: "I knew it! I'm not going!"

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My favorite word today is mulct. N., a-slithery a-goo goo. Past tense of milk.

Eat Your Heart Out

Here are your tips for a successful Holiday feed:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately and go next door, where they are having rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. Like fine, single-malt scotch, it's rare. You will not find it any other time of year. Prosit!

3. If something comes with gravy, eat it. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Eat the potatoes. Repeat.

4. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of Christmas dining is to eat other people's food for free.

5. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. Your belly will get too small for fruitcake.

6. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes: If you leave them behind, you will never see them again.

7. Did I mention fruitcake? Sorry about that. Granted, it is loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it all cost. Prove that you have standards that do not include eating the doorstop.

8. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party, you haven't been paying attention. Reread these tips, and start over.

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My favorite word today is sex. N., let's hear it for testosterone. Def.: A bad thing that rumples clothes.

I Think I Had a Bad Day

All of you women who want to, can steal this and then show it to your husband/mate/partner/zombie. Just so they know you know.

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When a man steals your wife, there is no greater revenge than to let him keep her.

The big question, which no one has been able to answer: "What does woman want?"

I had some words with my wife; she had some paragraphs with me.

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." --Sam Kinison.

"I've had bad luck with two wives: The first one left me, and the second one didn't." --Patrick Murray.

The most effective means of remembering your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." --Milton Berle.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met." --Rodney Dangerfield.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy (dourly): "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

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(You know all this is in fun. I love women almost as much as I hate small children.)

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My favorite word today is marriage. N., the lines are getting blurry. Def.: A faster way of transferring funds than electronic banking.

Up to My Neck

And a happy, happy Halloween to you. (Hard cider is not what it's cracked up to be. Or maybe it is?)

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Anyway, it's time for a Halloween story:

An elderly couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in forever decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into the bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the husband cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She responded, "I can go any way I like. And so can you."

So he goes into the bedroom, then comes out stark, raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"

He: "Yep. If you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dictator."

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Two girls are chatting, and one admires the other's skin. "What makes it so soft and beautiful?" she inquired.

"Once a week I fill a bathtub up with milk, and just soak in it," she replied.

So this girl goes out to a farm and tells the farmer, "I'd like a lot of milk."

Him: "How much?"

Her: "Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

Him: "Okay, pasteurized?"

Her: "No, just up to my neck."

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My favorite word today is snow. N., what's new? I don't know; what snew with you? Def.: What didn't exist, but old people remember walking to school in it.

Look What Feelgood Got

Gee whillikers, I didn't know this: Feelgood Haines is a big shot in the northern Willamette Valley of Oregon. This is my buddy who used to dwell with me in the Olden Folks Home before we both escaped a couple months ago. So I asked him, "Look, Feelgood, you got a street named after you? You one of them rich dudes?"

Feelgood: "That street was indeed named after me. Ain't that a pistol?"

Ol' Hoss: "Excuse me, Feelgood, now that I think back on it, local history nuts say that street was named in 1860, long before you was a glimmer in your Daddy's eye. So I think you're funnin' me."

Feelgood: "That's right, Hoss, named in 1860 and named after me. Tomorrow I will be 146."

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Sippy cups are not for chardonnay.

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A farmer is out in his apple orchard with his hogs. He lifts a hog up to the tree where it can get an apple, then sets it down. Then he lifts another hog up so it can get an apple and sets it back down.

A passerby says, "Say, Farmer Friend, wouldn't it save time if you picked the apples and threw them to the hogs?"

Farmer: "What do hogs care about time?"

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My favorite word today is bore. N., the Great I Am. Def.: A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in. --Henry Ford.

Things They Want Back

BIDE-A-WEE WEE

Tisha Sharp is having b**g trouble, and is undergoing maintenance. For those of you who visit, don't give up. She will be back among us presently (I think). She's at http://www.tishasharp.com. Thankew kindly.

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Ever have one of those times when you say something -- and then wish you could have the words back while you crawl into a hole? Here are some nifties from my buddy, the Teacher Woman:

"I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'"

"I was at a golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the woman's type the pro had sold me. After browsing for awhile, I found a clerk, who asked if he could help me. I said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'"

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'"

"Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day he and I stopped at a Taco Bell for lunch between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. I recalled that Danny had not gone potty for awhile. I said, 'Do you need to go potty?' He said, 'No.' But the smell continued to rise. I asked again, 'Danny, don't you need to go potty?' 'No!' he shouted. He pulled down his pants, bent over, spread his checks and said, 'See, it's just farts!'"

"What happens when you predict snow and don't get any? We had a female news anchor, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, who asked the co-anchor, 'So, Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'"

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My favorite word today is statesman. N., I don't remember anything bad about him. Def.: A dead politician.

A Thing That Goes Sorry in the Night

What I mean, is, I'm sorry I haven't published much lately. (This is a picture of me being sorry.) I am not sick, but I am not exactly well, either, so I have been going to this Doc and that Doc trying to get to be ordinary. Here's a sample:

9 a.m. -- Get new glasses. Cheap at Costco! Remove glasses when working at computer because my neck aches. Cheap is good, though.
10 a.m. -- Appointment with Dermatologist, who lays on me some 3M cream for a squamish cancer on my nose-bone. Claims it will fix me right up -- in six weeks!
11:15 a.m. -- Dr. Jimmy Dee, get cortisone shot for bad hip, which you didn't know about until now.
12:30 p.m. -- Get Tooth Dentist to grind a spot off my denture that is giving me fits.
2 p.m. -- Respiratory rehab, 9 weeks, twice a week.
3:30 p.m. -- Ear doctor, get new hearing aids. $1900 down the drain. (Well, only sort of, because I can now hear much better.)
4:15 p.m. -- Appointment with Stent Doc to see if new stent is in the right place (so far, so good). This replaces part of my abdominal aorta, which was, like, too wide, like.
4:30 p.m. -- Happy Hour, drown my sorrows.

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Now then, since this is all about me, I have to tell you that Scamp and I will be moving in November. Lately we have been packing books. I have 4 books to pack, and I am nearly done. Scamp has 4,000 books to pack and she is ahead of me.

(What is she doing with a book about Brain Disease? Did she know I was coming?)

On the front porch right now is a "gift" from UPS -- a new Weber grill. Is burning propane good or bad for global warming?

We are going to get a 37" TV, provided the kids take my broad hint. Right now, Scamp has teevees all over the house, but none of the screens is bigger than 13", and one of them is only 4". You cannot show a legal-sized trout on a screen that small.

Feelgood has been sniffing around ("Where we moving off to, Hoss?"). This is why I haven't told you, either.

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My favorite word today is Dubya. N., Texas weasel. Def.: Man given brain by mistake, since all he uses is his spinal cord.

It Takes One to Know One

I never eat catsup on my hot dog. So this fella on the left is very strange.

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"It's vile. It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction." --Ex.-Rep. Mark Foley, in 1998, on Bill Clinton.

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"I'm not, like, that smart." --Paris HIlton.

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"I think I know how to get my dog to stop eating poop. All I need to do is somehow find a way to make it taste bad." --Sebastian Pivnicka.

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"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they choose."

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The new political correctivity: Two kids out playing Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

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My favorite phrase today is less is more. N., an old, dreary adage. Def.: Nonsense. More is more, no less.

Be Good at This, Son

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son," he said. "Do your best. Just remember that if something happens to me, your mother is going to come live with you and your wife."

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The older we get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

When you are dissatisfied with life and long for your youth, remember Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old man says, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's okay. And what a coincidence -- I'm looking for my wife, too."

The first old guys says, "Well, maybe I can give you a hand. What does she look like?"

"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. By the way, what does your wife look like?"

"Never mind," he says. "Let's look for yours."

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My favorite word today is trouble. N., right here in River City. What happens at your wedding when your bride gives you the wrong finger.

Like Grandpa Likes

A small boy is lost at a large shopping mall. He approaches a uniformed policeman and says, "I've lost my grandpa."

Policeman: "What's your grandpa like?"

Little boy: "Crown Royal and women with big tits."

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The only time a world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If Big Ernie had wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

It's not hard to meet expenses: They're everywhere.

These days, I spend a lot of time wondering about the hereafter. I get to where I'm going then wonder what I'm here after.

If all is not lost, where is it?

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My favorite phrase today is c'est la vie. N., stupid French. Def.: So it goes.

What Happens to a Nuklar President

My tale of illness has reminded me of my mortality, which, of course, reminds me of reincarnation, since I don't plan to be gone for long.

Then I thought about George Dubya, and maybe he can recincarnate, too. So here is how this works:

I come back as Lance Armstrong on a bicycle, so as to combat global warming.

Dubya comes back as a oil well. What he don't know is that we're never going to tap it.

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This guy goes into an ice cream shop and asks for a sundae with extra hot fudge.

Waitress: "Hot fudge only comes in one temperature."

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The other guy goes into a shoe store, and tries some on.

"These feel a little tight," he says to the shoe salesman.

The shoe salesman bends down, looks, and says, "Try pulling the tongue out."

"Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

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Terrorists take over a hotel where 500 lawyers are convening.

"Meet our demands," the ransom note says, "or we will be releasing one lawyer every hour."

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My favorite phrase today is "The Story of the Hare and the Tortoise." N., see how they run. Def.: A little tale written for the tortoise market.

When You and I Were Old, Maggie

When you get old like me, you forget a lot. For instance, have I run this cartoon before? Was it funny then? Is it funny now? Which way does the cat have the toilet paper roll: over the top (correct), or under the bottom (way incorrect)? Do cats need toilet paper? Let me tell you why I was sick.

I was sick because I had a relapse from surgery for my aneurysms. It is not good to be under the weather, which is all it was. Here's what happened:

Feelgood Haines: "You shoulda stayed in the hospital one more day, Hoss."

Hoss: "Why is that?"

Feelgood: "Nurses kind of relax around you, and you get a chance to cop a feel."

I am now well. Feelgood is nursing a black eye.

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Classified Ad:

"2006 Suzuki GSXR 1000. This bike is perfect. It has 1,000 miles and has had its 500-mile dealer service (very expensive). It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I am selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently, 'Do whatever the f*** you want' doesn't mean what I thought. Call Steve, 555.xxxx."

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My favorite word today is old. N., I knew her when. Def.: Being complimented on your alligator shoes when you're going barefoot.

Moon on a Stick

Sorry, but I cannot remember who first came up with the idea for "Moon on a Stick." It was such a grand idea for drivers who have nothing better to do than to "stick" it to tailgaters.

Maybe in was Jamie Dawn who called my attention to this. Anyway, my pal Scamp has taken the idea to its logical conclusion, hence this picture. Lovely, what?

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A man and a woman go into a restaurant. The waiter says the specials of the day are spiced almond chicken, or fresh fish.

The woman says, "I'll have the chicken."

The waiter says, "And for the vegetable?"

She: "He'll have the fish."

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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

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My favorite word today is woman. N., sweet Adeline. Def.: How Big Ernie rectified his first mistake.