Not All the Children Are Brainiacs

Here are some excerpts from actual history essays by schoolchildren, from the book "Mr. McGreevey's Absolute Howlers."

"In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java."

"When Elizabeth exposed herself before the troops, they all shouted 'hurrah'. Then her Navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo."

"In the middle of the 18th Century, all the morons moved to Utah."

"Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."

"When things didn't go as planned, Stalin used the peasants as escape goats."

"When Caesar was assassinated, he is reported to have said, 'Me too, Brutus.'"

"President Carter faced the Iran Hostess Crisis."

"The USA and USSR became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent."

"The Wholey Roman Empire amazed many when it was found in Germany."


"Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.'"

"Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large."

"The Jews were a proud people but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals."

"Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion."

"A major discovery was made by Mary Leakey, who found a circle of rocks that broke wind."

"Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva."

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My favorite word today is pew. N., don't sit in it. Def.: A medieval torture device still found in many churches.

Turnabout Is Fairest Play

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest responded.

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nuded the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope has it."

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A Texan wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many boioks on the subject and, finally, after getting all the necessary tools he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly -- from the sky -- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a Thermo of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

He stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Arena Manager."

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My favorite word today is choir. N., mama sang bass, daddy sang tenor... Def.: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the church-goers to lip-sync.

Drink to Me Only With Thine Barista

Rattling around in my email, I found these Starbuckian treasures. Hoo boy, some peeps is really clever.













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The trouble with some women is they get all excited over nothing -- and then they marry him anyway.

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A friend confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 children, but she didn't really seem to care.

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My favorite word today is recessional. N., something between classes in grade school. Def.: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of church services led by parishioners trying to beat the crown to the parking lot.

Meet Mr. Studley

I am browsing the Internet and lo the behold what should appear but eight tiny bulls.....

Really, this lady and her hubby are touring the Iowa State Fair and looking at the bulls. She sees one that says: "This bull mated 200 times last year."

"Holey moley," she pipes up. And says to her hubby, "You could learn something from him."

Then they walked to another pen, where there is another bull, and a sign there that says, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke her hubby's ribs. "That's once a day," she said. "You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The hubby looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

They told him his condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and that he should make a full recovery.

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A religious young woman went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard, and then said: "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked: "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

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My favorite word today is justice. N., one of the seven deadly sins. Def.: When kids have kids of their own.

Sweet Addle Mine

Did you ever make a phone call that ended this way? You ring some company, and the answer is, "Oh, could you please hold for a minute?" Then you are put on hold before you can say "No."

Ten minutes go by, and she returns to the phone, breathless: "Is anyone helping you?" "No," you say, "I've been on hold for the last 10 or 11 minutes."

"Oh, dear, you should have called earlier. Our office hours are 8 to 5 p.m. Pacific Time. Try us tomorrow."

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Pike's Peak isn't a peak at all. It's a crater. If only looks high because the area around it is so much lower.

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Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes.

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What really addles me is how to build a car. I mean, do you first stand one tire up and start connecting things to it? Where do the other three tires come in? When do you put in the axles and/or rods and gas tanks? Where should we put the electrical outlets?

Maybe if you got me started I could wing it. Maybe not, though.

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When I was about 14 I retired. See, I was making $250 a month (this was in 1944, when $250 could be counted as My Pile). In fact, a fella could get by on $200 a month. You might not be able to buy much wine, but, of course, nobody drank wine back then. We drank beer, lots of it.

The other reason I was able to retire was I was in such good health. I could never figure out people nowadays, who work till they're 65 and all decrepit. No, the thing is you want to retire early, while you're feeling good.

Too bad you can't go back to age 14 with your $250 a month and retire. Well, that is, YOU can't. I can, since I plan to reincarnate pretty soon.

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Another thing I can't build are steamships. Maybe if somebody gave me a map....Nah, I think I'll just go ahead a retire as a steamship builder. It will look good on the old resume.

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My favorite word today is procession. N., pump the circumstance. Def.: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Hold Me Tightly

They were together in the house. Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly.

Each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance, and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out. She screamed.

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist, but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on. They knew it was wrong....

Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their fear that they heard no opening of doors, just the faint click of a camera....



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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops, and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting with a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, then turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

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My favorite word today is cannibal. N., anything good in the pot, Ma? Someone who is fed up with people.

The Picture Fiend Strikes Again

(Once again, I remind you that I am a guest poster at Tisha's place, where today we are showing some of George W's tongue twisting.)

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Yes, I know this is St. Patrick's Day. Foo foo raw. Green beer. Pig's butt.

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When I am not otherwise occupied, I am taking pictures (and I also am sleeping, writing my b**g, drinking vodka, sleeping, and eating my wonderful Sylvia's food). So here is a ferinstance.

I show you this because this is a Christmas Cactus. And I just took this picture three days ago. This is not Christmas. But it is still a Cactus. Christmas won't happen for, say, two or nine months from now, depending upon how soon the shopping season starts, so obviously this Cactus is a little Calcified. This very same Cactus also bloomed last Christmas, so you know it's got a little sense. Anyway: Pretty, ain't it?

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Picture No. 2 (I am so prolific) is of a Goldfinch, slowly morphing into breeding season.

See, Goldfinches (Goldfinchi?) turn kind of mystic in the off season, looking more like house finches. But when spring rolls around, wham! bam! thank you Sissy. The males turn bright yellow and they are a sight to behold. This here goldfinch has got a leg (ho ho har de har har) up on most of the rest of the flock, so it might be the first to breed. If it can find a willing female. If....

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ye tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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My favorite word today is relics. N., your basic leftovers. Def.: People who have been going to mass for so long they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.

Ten Commandments Just Don't Cut It

A news story is titled: "Vatican Updates Its Thou-Shalt-Not List".

This is not, really, news. Last year the Vatican took on the problem of highway accidents, issuing a kind of "Ten Commandments" for drivers against the sins of road rage, alcohol abuse, and even rudeness behind the wheel (gimme dat finger, holy holy, gimme dat finger, glory hallelujah).

Other sicknesses that need to be added: Ecstasy, LSD, methamphetamine, and cloning of cows. Really. That's what they're after. And cows and sheep that put out all that methane. Don't get me started on bad recyclers.

Oh, another grim reaper: Scandal and sin within the church (meaning: priests buggering the choir boys). But with the latest round of payouts, the church is really doing something about an age-old sin: Taking from the rich and giving to the poor.

So I have added up all the sins, new and old, and have a new total: The 666 Commandments.

How's that, Lucifer?

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You ain't never seen no magic till you see what this guy can do.

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Dear Hoss:

My 12-year-old son is becoming a real burden. He thinks he is old enough to operate the can opener and I think he should wait until he is 13. Everything happens at age 13, you know: A child becomes a teenager and hell won't wait till he gets his first piece of ass. I don't think they's made a can opener that will let a 12-year-old open a chastity belt, but maybe this is not news to you. You seem to be way ahead of the life and times.

S/West Virginia Mountain Momma

Dear Mommer:

I don't think they make 12-year-olds like they used to. In the old days, they was sweet-smelling choir boys whose business got minded by the priest. Maybe it would be okay for him to get a piece of ass before his ass gets pieced out. Sort of preparing him for finer things, don't ya know?

Way, Way Ahead Ol' Hoss

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My favorite word today is amen. Adj., don't sleep where they can see you. Def.: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

In the "Good" Old Days

You know who has all the fun? It's gotta be we old people, right? Look here to see what we're up to now.

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Speaking of which, old magazine ads also have all the fun. Check these jewels.







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More from the ancient peever:

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people just didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age. And I have decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but are you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for people my age, and calling it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers.

Employment application blanks always ask "Who is to be notified in case of an emergency?" I think we should write: "A Good Doctor."

Why do they put pictures of criminals in post offices? Why don't they just arrest them while they're taking the pictures?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me: They were cramming for their finals.

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My favorite word today is skeleton. N., connected to the hip bone. Def.: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Suicide for the Self

You may not know it, but I continue to guest post over at Tisha's place. Some mighty thoughtful thoughts over there, pardner.

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How's about an advertisement banned in the United States? Would you believe censorship has reared its mighty might? It is not banned for us who cleverly slide around it, though, so take a peek here.

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Listen: Did you know an AM radio also can be used in the PM?

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I could do better than this If My Nose Was Running Money. At least I think so.

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A dentist noted that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous. So, he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he said, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. Oh well, he thought. At least I tried.

Five minutes later, during a sensitive part of the operation, the little old lady burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made."

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When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite hobby, fishing! I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me. But she never did like fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait and Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner. It turned out Sam likes bass fishing just about as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, but a few minutes later Sam caught what must have been his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass we caught and showed the picture to the wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

But, instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore. And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists? This is a real dillemer.

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My favorite phrase today is electile dysfunction. N., are there pills for this? Def.: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President*.

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*(Except Obama, of course.)

I Am a Sucker for Memories

Miz Mell has tagged Ol' Hoss with a short meme, and lucky she did for I found some jewels in following the rules.

What Mell said to do was find a book with at least 123 pages, find the fifth sentence on the page, and then publish the next three sentences. Ho ho har de har har. Look how Hoss lucked out:

"Why is getting to level four of Tomb Raiders no problem but to have a simple conversation I had to stand on a hilltop with my nuts wrapped in tinfoil? When it comes to cell phones, I just need the basics: something that rings at inappropriate moments, interferes with airplane safety, and gives me a brain tumor.

"Don't try to talk to me about Desperate Housewives. If I had the slightest interest in other people's sex lives, I'd be a Republican."

(You'll never find three better sentences than these I got out of "New Rules," by Bill Maher.)

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Just think: In about 7-8 months you will be raking leaves again. And here's what's wrong with that.

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A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of it. Whether this is aprochyphal, I don't know. But it's cute. Here are various and assorted proverb endings that her students delivered:

Better to be safe than...........Punch a fifth grader.
Strike while the.................Bug is close.
It's always darkest before.......Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of....Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...How?
Don't bite the hand that........Looks dirty.
No news is......................Impossible.
A miss is as good as a..........Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.....Math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..Stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................Me.
The pen is mightier than the....Pigs.
An idle mind is.................The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's....Pollution.
Happy the bride who.............Gets all the presents.
A penny saved is................Not much.
Two's company, three's..........The Musketeers.
Don't put off til tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
None is so blind as.............Stevie Wonder
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and..........You have to blow your nose.

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My favorite word today is secret. N., now don't pass this on.... Def.: Something you tell to one person at a time.

I Get the Blues When It Don't Rain

I have run (ranned?) across this Internet magician who has some good stuff. For instance, if you want him to make a girl vanish, just say so.

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So, you need to know how to become a Blues Musician. Here's how:

1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this mornin'..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like: "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. No way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot, or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
A. Highway
B. Jailhouse
C. Empty bed
D. Bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
A. Nordstrom's
B. Gallery openings
C. Ivy League institutions
D. Golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happened to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if
A. You older than dirt
B. You blind
C. You shot a man in Memphis
D. You can't be satisfied

14. You can't sing the Blues if:
A. You have all your teeth
B. You were once blind but now can see
C. The man in Memphis lived
D. You have a 401k or a trust fund

15. Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are cheap wine, whiskey or bourbon, muddy water, nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: Perrier, Chardonnay, Snapple, Slimfast.

17. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have the Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

18. Some Blues names for women: Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat River Dumpling. Some Blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie.

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
A. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
B. First name (see above) plus name of fruit: Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
C. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example:

Blind Lime Jefferson
Jakeleg Lemon Johnson
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore (well...maybe not Kiwi...let's think here....)

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My favorite word today is raisin. N., in the sun? Def.: Grape with a sunburn.

The Story of the Moral Is....um...I Forget

Here it is, the day for Perfect Posts and Perfect Rabbits. Kimberly, one of the inventors of Perfect Post, lets me know that this is the 2nd anniversary of the award. How time flies when you're having flies. I will get back to my selection for Perfect Post in a moment, but first:

Yes, on the first third of the month is when we go Rabbit! Rabbit!, and all month long we will have good luck. You, too, can have lovely luck if you just say Rabbit! Rabbit! You don't really need the picture.

I was taught (by the Pez Family) to say Rabbit! Rabbit! on the first of the month. But, see, sometimes the first happens on a Saturday or Sunday when we're not awarding the Perfect Post, so then we....oh, never mind.

My Perfect Posterino goes to Texans Gone East, a family that moved from Tex to Singapore. Go here to see the column that I thought would chuckle you up.

To see other Perfect Post winners, go where Momma K, and Lucinda make their posts.

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Our favorite patsy, George W., is the star of Funniest Video of the Year, which is a few takes from his speeches. It is funny (you know how Dubya can be), and you can call it up here.

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Recently, the Washington Post asked its readers to make up new meanings for words beginning with A through H. Some of what I liked best:

Airstrip. To pretend to take off your clothes.

Blunderbuss. To French-kiss the boss's wife at the office Christmas party.

Coliseum. Lassie finds Timmy.

Electrons. Supporters of Rep. Paul.

Endow. To sit on a tack.

Exorbitant. A former astronaut.

Footstool. Dog doo that's stuck on your shoe.

Harlot. Someone who will laugh on and on at any stupid joke the boss makes. Ho ho har de har har.

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My favorite phrase today is ground round. N., related to Salisbury Steak. Def.: The circle you make in the dirt for a game of marbles.