A Rel Sensibl Riten Styl

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, rather than German, which was the other possibility.  As part of the negotations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would make the new language to become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".  This will make sivil servants jump with joy.  The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k".  This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".  This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.  Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which has always ben a deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasfl and it should go away.  The "a" in words speled with "ea" will be dropd; we ned not fer it.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z", and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer,  ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and "eo", and so after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a rel sensibl riten styl.  Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.  Ze drem of a unitd urop vil finali kum tru.  Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German, like zey vuntd in ze first plas.

If zis mad yu smil, ples pas on to oza pepl.

+ + + + + + + +

Well, I know not everybody is broke -- for instance, Pfizer drugs, Google,  Pepsi Cola, American Express.  There are lots of them with big advertising budgets.  And here's the grand plan for tapping their wealth to keep the government out of the banking business (you know, $700 billion here and there).  See, what we do is create an untapped advertising scheme and use the money to bail out those shlemiels who are in over their heads.

So whatta ya think of ads on toilet paper?  IN COLOR!!  Just think, Pfizer can put little ads on each toilet sheet, or it could run (pretty cruel joke there) several sheets together to make chapters of a book.  The value in this is that there will be no competition for toilet paper ads:  If get Pepsi on line, Coke will be shut out. 

This makes T.P. advertising so valuable that Pepsi would gladly give up a billion bucks, or so.

Natch, this giving away a swell monehy-making idea like this hurts Ol' Hoss, who is still trying to scratch together the dough he needs for his reincarnation fund.  But there's nothing too good for the ol' US of A,   So it goes.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is thankful.  N., getting the big part of the wishbone.  Def.:  This is what you are if you look around a lot.  For example, I am sitting here thinking how thankful I am that wrinkles don't hurt.

We Need the Good Old Days

SCHOOL: 1967-2008

1. Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967. Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jacks shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2008 -- School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

2. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 -- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody joes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2008 -- Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

3. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1967: -- Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 -- Jeffrey given huge dose of Ritalin. Becomes a Zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.

4. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 -- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, becomes a successful businessman.

2008 -- Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

5. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1967 -- Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2008 -- Police called. Mark expelled from school for drug violation. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

6. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1967 -- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2008 -- Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's teacher. English banned for core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

7. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1967 -- Ants die.

2008 -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security and FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, sibling removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

8. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.

1967 -- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2008 -- Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in state prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. Johnny's parents win big lawsuit they filed against school district for son's physical and emotional injuries.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is rights. N., something everybody needs more/less of. Def.: Sometimes I think you have to march in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

After You. Alphonse

This fella can play him some harmonica.

+ + + + + + + +

It was April, and the Aboriginals in a remote part of South Australia had asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days had passed he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Weather Bureau, and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?"

The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

Two weeks later the elder called the Weather Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the elder inquired.

The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."

+ + + + + + + +

Everybody seems to be concentrating on a few problems in this country other than the economy: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, and alligators attacking people in Florida. So naturally, here is Ol' Hoss's all-in-one solution:

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Send gthe dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
+ Put the alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

If you have any other problems for me to solve today, wing 'em my way!

+ + + + + + + +
My favorite phrase today is Birds of a feather. multiplicity of a noun. Def.: They flock together and crap on your car.

Whomsoever Saith This

Here Be Some Sayings.....

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you've got their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
+ + + + + + + +
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans. Not really knowing what a McCain fan is, but wanting to be noticed by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny said, "Because I'm not a McCain fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a McCain fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat. My Mom's a Democrat, and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your Mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a smile, Johnny replied, "That would make me a McCain fan."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is trap door. N., like one of them Trap Door Spiders. Def.: But instead of a trap door, how about a trap window. The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Is It Time for Another Meme?

I'm thinking it is time for another meme, which I am probably stealing from somebody.
A stolen meme is the best kind. So:

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?

I wonder if this means exactly 10 years ago, or just thereabouts. Because exactly 10 years ago I was finishing off a Heineken's on the First Tee of the Salem Golf Club. I know this because I did the same thing EVERY DAY along about that time. Now, if you had asked me about 15 years ago, I woulda had to of demurred, because the lady in question is still alive and wouldn't cotton to even a favorable mention (one of which she would not get).

2. What are five things on your "To Do" list?

1. Have a Heineken's.
2. Join the Watchtower Society. I just have to find out what those streetwalkers get for their time, other than some impoverished souls now and then.
3. Pray for someone. I know this probably won't do anybody any good, but, what the hell, it doesn't cost anything.
4. Become an estimator. You ever see the dough these guys haul in? And they get paid no matter what -- as long as you don't ask them when the paint will be dry. No, estimators estimate in big round numbers. Like, tell 'em there are 4 billion stars, and they'll probably believe you. Ask them how long the movie is going to run, and they'll have no idear.
5. Invent a new language. Be sure that hitonious is in my dictionary to make Jamie Dawn happy.

3. What are five snacks you enjoy?

1. Walnettos
2. "Gimme a pack of Pepsin Chewing Gum please."
3. Flench-flied flies.
4. Haggis.
5. Bite-size pygmys.

4. Name some things you would do if you were a millionaire.

1. Get somebody to teach me how to milk a cow. Hmmm......I guess that's it.

5. Name some bad habits you have.

Watch people dig for boogers. Watch people dig for ear wax with their elbows. Watch people give things up for Lent. And I suppose giving things up for Lent has to come right in there.

+ + + + + + + +

There's always one crazed person in every weather office who squeals like a girl when a cockroach interferes with his weather report.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite brain word today is eggs. N., brains are my home base. Def.: I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain. Because later you might think I'm havinga good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

Bears and Snakes and Muffins in a Hurry

I cannot figure out whether this bear is waiting for lunch or is just settling in for a game of parcheesi (clearly, somebody else has the game board).

Oregon has black bears, and you often will see them when you take a float trip down the Rogue River. Often, we would see them at night when they came in to raid our camp supplies.


We had a plan to save our beans and steak from those beasties, however. We would pile beer cans on the coolers, and the noise that was made when the black beans made for a raid was quite noisily.


Then later in the day when we would walk for aways on the Rogue River Trail we would come across rattlesnakes. To which we gave large elbow room.

I quit all this nonsense when I got to be 55 or so. But it wasn't because of the bears or the snakes or the treacherous bears. No. It was because the guy who used to bring the brownies quit making the trip.

+ + + + + + + +

The part that was in here about Sarah Palin and the books has been removed because it was all wrong, for which I apologize. Bad on me.

My favorite phrase today is value investing. N., it went thataway. Def.: The art of buying low and selling lower.

It Must Be the Political Season

Because this is the season of political correctness, Kentuckians, Tennesseeans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "Hillbillies." You now must refer to them as "Appalachian-Americans."

And furthermore:

How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct:

1. She is not a "Babe" or a "Chick." She is a Breasted American.

2. She is not a "Dumb Blonde." She is a Light-Haired Detour off the Information Superhighway.

3. She has not "Been Around." She is a Previously-Enjoyed Companion.

4. She does not "Nag" you. She becomes Verbally Repetitive.

5. She is not a "Two-Bit Hooker." She is a Low-Cost Provider.

How to Speak About Men and Be Politically Correct:

1. He does not have a "Beer Gut." He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

2. He does not "Get Lost All the Time." He Investigates Alternative Destinations.

3. He is not "Balding." He is in Follicle Regression.

4. He does not act like a "Total Ass." He develops a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

5. It's not his "Crack" you see hanging out of his pants. It is Rear Cleavage.

+ + + + + + + +

The last time I stayed in a hotel, the towels were so thick I could hardly close my suitcase.

+ + + + + + + +

Something more about me, hot damn!

Once I found a skull in the woods. The first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

(Maybe that didn't really happen. I forget.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is poor people. N., they is always amongst us, dammit. Def.: If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.

Biding My Time in the Street

How Beer Works:

In case you didn't know, this is how good ol' beer works.

+ + + + + + + +

I am standing in the queue at the grocery store, holding a 20-lb. bag of dog food. This is not easy, for I am also holding onto a crutch, courtesy of a broken leg I got fixed in the hospital because I fell off my roof. Unhappily it is a long line, so lo and behold the lady in back of me wants to chat.

"You have a pet, I see," she offers.

I am in no mood for chit-chat because 20 lbs. can get heavy, and the grocery store's air-conditioning is on the fritz, my broken leg is giving me fits, and I am not much of a conversationalist. But I give it a go.

"No," I say, "it's part of my new diet. Works wonders. You should try it. You keep some of these kibbles in your purse or your pocket and knibble on them all day and you'll lose lots of weight. IN FACT, (I am beginning to bellow now) YOU MIGHT LOSE EVEN MORE THAN THAT(however much that was)."

I notice a guy in the line behind who is not falling for my story but is having a good time listening to it. So I am ready with the embellishment if she gives me a chance. And, once again lo and behold, she comes up with it:

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and that's why I ended up in the hospital.

I said, "No....I had been sitting in the street licking my ass when a car hit me."

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

+ + + + + + + +



Why Women Are Superior
(most of the time)

They got off the Titanic first.

They can scare male bossdses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous.

They can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

Men die earlier, so they get to cash in the life insurance.

We know the Truth about whether size matters.

No faux pas they make could ever rival the male's Speedo.

They don't have to fart to amuse themselves.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is costume party. N., or just whistle while you work? Def.: If you go to one of these at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

When You and I Were Dung, Maggie

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out. We don't serve your type in here."

+ + + + + + + +

I am writing a play, which you didn't know of because I hasn't spilled any beans yet. Here are two of the key lines:

"Get away from me, you lummox. Your oafishness bloats me no endo."

Actually, that is the only two lines I has so far wrote. That is because I have always wanted to use lummox and oaf in the same story, or play, or even playlet.
If you has any idears about how to finish (or start) this play, pls. let me no.

+ + + + + + + +

Here's how to tell who's a millionaire:

Millionaire No. 1

Millionaire No. 2

Millionaire No. 3

+ + + + + + + +

An armless man walks into a bar, which is empty except for the bartender.  He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he had no arms.  The bartender obliged.

He then asked if the bartender would trip the glass to his lips.  The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.  He then asked the bartender if he would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.  The bartender did, and commented that it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is embarrassing at times.  By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is promises.  N., O promise me, O yea O yea.  Def.:  Break these and it doesn't bother me.  I just wonder why you believed me in the first place.

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Bum

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out. We don't serve your type in here."

+ + + + + + + +

For those of you interested in my evil life and times......My first adulterated job -- I was then 19 -- was as whistle punk* for Brooks-Scanlon Lbr. Co. One morning, after the speeder** dumped us at the landing***. I told the hooker**** I had to take a leak so I walked out in the show****, dodging pecker poles***** to keep their snow off my back.

When I got back, the bull of the woods*******had the brush apes*******all sorted out, a faller********to each bucker*********. Bein' it was my first day, I naturally got hurt right in front of the push***********. Somebody else blew the one short and one long required of the whistle punk so's they'd know what time it was************. But let me tell ya, there weren't no lumber jacks************* out there.

+ + + ++ + + +

Tough Questions:

1. If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three of whom were deaf, two who were blind and one mentally retarded, and she had syphillis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

(Read the next question before looking at the response for Q. No. 1.)

2. It is time to elect a new world leader and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. For whom would you vote?

A. Associates with crooked politicians and consults with an astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8-10 martinis a day.
B. He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
C. He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Decide which of these would be your choice for world leader:

Candidate A is Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C. is Adoph Hitler.

And now, for your answer to the abortion question. If you said Yes, she should have an abortion, you would have killed Beethoven.

Makes a person think before passing judgment, huh?

+ + + + + + + +

* Whistle punk -- one who whistles instructions between the work site and the landing where the logs are sent.
** Speeder -- A self-powered vehicle that runs on a railroad track to deliver workers to the logging site.
*** Landing -- Where cut logs are assembled.
**** Hooker -- A guy in charge of the yarding crew.
***** Show -- The logging site.
****** Pecker poles -- A small tree, often found in the understory of the old growth.
******* Bull of the Woods -- A man in charge of all the fallers.
******** Brush apes -- What the loggers called themselves.
********* Faller -- The man who fells the trees.
********** Bucker -- Man who cuts the trees into lengths, usually 40 feet.
*********** Push -- Superintendent of the logging operation.
************* Lumber jacks -- A term used for loggers in movies and books but way too Hollywood to be heard in the woods.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is vulture. N., oh ye of beady eye. Def.: If your friend is already dead and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, maybe to teach him some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

This Will Take Awhile

A small zoo in Alabama obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was "in season." Thinking about the problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee Byrd, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, was a bit short on brains but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

So the zoo keeper approached Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

Two days later, Bobby Lee announced that he would accept the zoo's offer, but only under four conditions.

"First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," he said, "You cain't never tell no one about this." The keeper readily agreed.

"Third," Bobby Lee said, I want all the childruns raised Southern Baptist." Once again, the keeper agreed.

"And fourth," Bobby Lee stated, "Ya gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

+ + + + + + + +

From a passenger ship, one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain, who graduated from Tennessee A & I.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he just goes nuts."

+ + + + + + + +

Look just how this woman becomes a hot pistol.

+ + + + + + + +

This news just in: All of the Walmarts across Florida sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doing it to Florida.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is cowboy. N., oh give me a roam where the buffaloes aren't home and etc. Def.: If you're one of these and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Wee Willie Winkie

If you have raised kids and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet
flush burials for goldfish, this story will be appreciated.


It seems Orville Schmidlap had to take his son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, Orville's son came to tell him there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told Orville. "I''m serious. Can you help?
Orville put his best lizard-healer expression on his face and followed his son into his bedroom. One of the lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. Orville knew immediately what to do: "Honey," Orville called. "Come look at this lizard."
"Oh my gosh," exclaimed Orville's wife. "She's having babies."
"What?" their son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
"This is going to be a wondrous experience," Orville announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"Do something, Dad," Orville's son urged.
Squeamishly, Orville reached in a grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. Orville tried several more times with the same result. "Let's take Ernie to the vet," Orville said grimly.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" Orville suggested scientifically.

"Hmmm," hmmmed the vet. "Mr. and Mrs. Schmidlap, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
Orville gulped, nodding for his son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" Orville's wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured her. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen......Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male, and occasionally, as they come into maturity, they....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
"So Ernie's.....just.....excited," Orville's wife offered.


"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that the Schmidlaps understood.
More silence. Then Orville's cruel, vicious wife started to giggle....and giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" Orville demanded, knowing that she would commit the upcoming affront to his flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just....that....I'm picturing you pulling on it....its....teeny little....." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," Orville warned. They thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and their son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," the son said.
"Oh, you have NO idea," his wife agreed, collapsing once again with laughter.
(Two lizards, $140. One cage, $50. Trip to the vet, $30. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie, Priceless!)
(Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.)
+ + + + + + + +
And if that isn't enough of a putdown on the old man, take a peek at this.
+ + + + + + + +
Haw! I bet for a minute there you thought I had forgotten all about ol' Rabbit! Rabbit!

Not on your tintype, Buster! Here's a vision of loveliness which says rabbit rabbit so's I can have good luck all month long.

In case you missed out somewheres along the line, you put a picture of a rabbit on your site on the first of the month, say Rabbit! Rabbit! and good luck will follow you for the next (let's see; 30 days hath September, April, June and Nowonder, all the rest hath 31 expiring February -- so) 30 days. (I love it when it works out like this.)

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is hollow log. N., which if you get inside of somebody will roll you downhill in. Def.: If you ever crawl inside one of these and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and they put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.