Singing a Song of Sixty Pence

Warnin'!! This ain't gonna be pretty.

See, what happened was that Laurie put a song on her b**g, called it to my attention, and told me I had to do the same. That was many moons ago (real moons, not the kind you're thinkin' of). So I looked up the site what lets you do this, and I sang songs and song-sang, etc. None was worth diddly squat.

So, I said to myself (I often talk to myself; it's the American Way), "Hoss, jest admit you ain't no country singer star, put up your best worst effort and see if that'll satisfy Miss Laurie Jane, a babe what hangs out at New Orleans in Texas.

So, play away, Laurie. Don't rate my effort higher than 100. That's just about all I was able to give it, but you know me: modesty personified.

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And then my 100 percent friend, Vicki also sent me some stuff, like

BUSH BUMPER STICKERS

If You Want a Nation Ruled by Religion, Move to Iran

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

Bush Never Exhaled

We Need a President Who's Fluent in at Least One Language

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We in This Handbasket?

Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out Too

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

One Nation Under Clod

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My favorite word today is tumor. N., largish wen. Def.: More than one.

Can She Bake a Cherry Pie, Charming Guadalupe?

Why fewer and fewer young lads decide to marry.

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My local newspaper recently ran a picture of a lady, Guadalupe Rodriguez, at a makeshift shrine dedicated to a cooking sheet in Houston. Here's what the caption said: "Rodriguez, a cafeteria worker at Pugh Elementary, discovered the likeness of the Virgin Mary on a cooking sheet while cleaning lunch dishes on Ash Wednesday."

I have seen lots of stories like this. I have never seen the newspaper ask, "Which Virgin Mary?" Consider:


Now then, whicha these Virgins is the real deal? To those who find the doll all over the place (on a piece of toast, in ice-frozen windows, for instance), the Virgin Mary is the classic Virgin Mary. So what do we make of these Virgin Marys? Did you know that Da Vinci, Rembrandt, Titian, Botticelli and hundreds of other painters have painted "pictures" of the Virgin Mary -- all of them looking different from each other. We don't know which is accurate, for they did not have any Canon digital cameras when the V Mary was alive.

My guess is that Guadalupe is deceiving herself and others. That is, everybody knows they didn't have cooking sheets back then.

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Try this: When you next get hiccups, eat two green olives.

Let me know if it works. I never get hiccups, myself.

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My favorite phrase today is Cesearean section. N., close for me, please. Def.: A neighborhood in Rome.

I Went Me Me Me Me

My Washington State buddy, Margaret, has sent me this meme. She sent it a long time ago but I have been letting it putrify for a bit. See, I wanted to be sure of my answers, which as of you know, kinda, how I am about memes and always want to make sure they're okay kinda. Sort of.

1. What is your occupation? I have been retired so long I can't remember what I did.
2. What color are your socks right now? I don't own any right now socks.
3. What are you listening to right now? The sound of silence.
4. What was the last thing you ate? Abalone. No shit! It's true. I got it from some outfit in California and cooked it up for myself. Scamp turned nose up.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Ain't nobody any shiftier than me.
6. Do you like the person who sent this meme to you? Hoo boy. How about love?
7. How old are you today? Same as I was yesterday.
8. What's your favorite drink? Whatever she brings.
9. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, and it's still dead.
10. What is your favorite sport to watch? Women fighting over me.
11. What was the last movie you watched? Something with the Three Stooges in it.
12. What's your favorite day of the year? When the tax refund comes.
13. What's your least-favorite day of the year? When those assholes go shamrocking all over the place.
14. Hugs or kisses? One thing leads to another.
15. What did you do last night? Watched people on TV make fun of Dubya. Actually, this is what I do EVERY night.
16. What's your favorite smell? The odor of Bush leaving the White House for the last time.
17. What inspires you? Can't think of anything. Well, maybe Barack Obama.
18. What are you afraid of? That the wrong woman will win the fight.
19. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? No, no, never! Here it's portobello or tofu.
20. Your favorite car? One that lets me remove the back seat. (Hoo boy!)
21. Number of keys on your key ring? Two: Home and car. Why would anybody need any more than that?
22. Your favorite day of the weeks is? Any day where I wake up.
23. Your favorite holiday? National Dung Beetle Day. (Although I might be the only one that observes it; not many people like to roll manure around.)
24. Ever driven a motorcycle or heavy machinery? You know if you ride a motorcycle slantwise across railroad tracks in the rain you are going down?
25. Pets? Boy howdy, I have lived so long I musta had 80 or 90 dogs, 50 cats, 20 birds and a partridge in a pear tree.

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My favorite phrase today is terminal illness. N., how long we gonna sit in this here plane, ma'am? Def.: Getting sick at the airport.

It Takes a Licking and Keeps on Lifting

So the teacher asked Michael, "If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute. I have to go pee."

The teacher (this is my buddy Margaret, I'm thinking) replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

Margaret responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you, Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'"

(Credit where credit is due: I got this from Theresa, but I don't know which b**g she owns. You're a bad boy, Hoss.)

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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

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A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

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My favorite phrase today is far out. Adj., Where's Captain Kirk? Def.: The distance between your outstretched fingertips and the hand of the guy who's trying to save you from falling off the roof.

I Hope You Love Calvin

Change of pace-wise, I am changing the pace. Here are a raft of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons some poor soul sent me and naturally I forgot who it was. But I am deep in debt for I am a true lover of C and H, and that ain't sugar. If you click on these, they will enlarge enough for you to read the captions.

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My favorite word today is diet. N., how to raid the refrigerator. Def.: What you go on two of, for one won't give you enough food.

Can She Bake a Key Lime Pie, Charming Billy?

Democratic Rep. Charles Rangel, a black, was asked what he thought about President Bush.

"Well," he said, "I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all."

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GIANT SQUID CAUGHT ON CAMERA

"Researchers follow bloated spineless creatures who dwell in the darkest depths. Then they get tired of politics and start looking for big squid."

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In 1998, Richard Harter, a retired methematician, wondered if mathematics could be applied to various positions of the toilet seat.

At the outset, he discounted the possibility of the woman agreeing to raise the seat when she is done, noting "no instance of this behavior has ever been observed in recorded history."

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According to my pal Vicki, a man enters a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls. He sits down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiousity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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My favorite word today is enema. N. bottom's up! Def.: Antonym for a friend.

Open Wide

So Scamp and I are in Medford. Apparently a lot of gay people live here, for the city advertises itself as "The Fruit Capitol of the West."

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Good ol' Maxine (left) told me about her new diet. She altered her drive to work to avoid passing her favorite bakery. But she accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as she approached she saw in the windshield a host of goodies. She felt this was no accident, so she prayed, "God, it's up to you. If you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

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Near Colorado Springs, Colo., the Air Force conducted tests with a special radio frequency that would communicate with first responders in the event of a homeland security threat. Unfortunabley, it was discoverred that the frequency also instantly opened an estimated 50 million garage doors in a seven-state area.

Now then, how 'bout them UFOs, huh?

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A husband is in his backyard, trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this several times, with no success.

All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window. She finally opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

"Make up your mind," he said. "Last night you told me to go fly a kite."

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My favorite word today is dammit. N., and Bob's your uncle. Def.: You're on vacation, you're driving, it's raining, and the kids are making you a nervous wreck.

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(Heaven's to murgatroyd. I just discovered that Medford has a bunch of pear and apricot trees. They might have gays, too, but I don't know for sure.)

Pondering, Pondering

So here we are at an Internet connected motel in beautiful downtown Brookings, which is about as far south as you can go in Oregon without being in California. And to get where we're going, we need to go into California before we can find our next destination in Oregon. Pray for us.

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It seemeth to me that I recently ran a b**g telling the truth about men. This is about women, sorta:

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba. "But we don't have a ladder."

The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

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My favorite phrase today is ham and eggs. N., good for dinner, too. Def.: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

I Think I Read About This

Well, lookie here. I found another Internet connection at a motel in Yachats (YAH-hots), which is on the Central Oregon Coast but near the Southern Oregon Coast, which is where the Banana Belt resides. You are so lucky I'm such a good finder

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Every now and then I run across a jewel or two that I think should be shared with you. For instance, there's this one around the swim pool where nothing (well, almost nothing) turns out as planned. You want to see this? Sure you do. Go here.

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Doctor Paul had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Doctor, don't cry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering....

"Paul......

"Paul......

"Paul......

"....you're a veterinarian."

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My favorite phrase today is banister of life. N., ain't we got fun? Def.: Where the splinters point the wrong way.

A Missive From Miss Chicago/Florida

Hoo boy. I found a friendly library in Manzanita. So far, so good. Nine days to go.

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My good buddy Vicki has sent me a worthy post. You all know Vicki, late of Ann Arbor, MI, now of Chicago, but more recently abiding near Tampa, FL, watching tornados fly overhead.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never get pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Hell, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to anotehr gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't hve to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress: $5,000. Tux rental: $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister of mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

(Ain't that swell? But I still like women like you, Vicki.)

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My favorite phrase today is digital watch. N., byte me. Def.: Its days are numbered.

A Horse Is a Horse, Of Course, Of Course

I am goin' be gone for maybe 10 days, during which I will try to post from places sundry. If I don't manage it, see ya about Feb. 18. You too.

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INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when peoople take things out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably a dog.

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Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. --Ann Landers.

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. --Penny Ward Moser.

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My favorite phrase today is the ace physician. N., got a kidney you can spare? Def.: One who is the fantastic inspirer of hope.

Out of the Mouths of Babes Dept.

I swiped this from someplace, maybe over where the perverts hang out:

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over, sliced the man's weenee off, and angrily tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple were a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the johnson smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It...it was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

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From my newspaper, The Oregonian: "The Walt Street Journal reports, 'Todays simple truth: Half of all children are below average in intelligence.'"

(Hey, kids, look at the kid next to you in class. Is he or she stupid? If not, it's you.)

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The redneck's pickup line: Your face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

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My favorite phrase today is food. N., eat before the ants get here. Def.: An important part of a balanced diet.

Honors to Pluto and Bre'r Rabbit

As you all know, rabbits are the Big Kahuna when the first of the month rolls around. What you do is say Rabbit! Rabbit! and all your cares and woes and troubles and so on disappear and you get good luck the whole month long. THIS WORKS! I know it does, because I have not died in any preceding month, and how much better luck than that do you want?

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This is also the time of the month when various and sundry ilk of us award our Perfect Post awards. Perfect Post is the childbrain of Momma K and Lucinda. Go to either site to see the URLs of all the Perfect Posters.

My Perfect Post goes to Sim, aka Pluto, and can be found here. It's a short little ditty about a much-needed New Year's resolution. Will take you only 10 seconds, so "go."

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I keep thinking about good ideas for Making My Pile. Please give me your honest thoughts: How many people would buy my new battery-operated battery charger?

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If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, then who will notify the next of kindling?

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My favorite phrase today is that other God. N., ol' sweetness. Def.: A liberal who gave Moses the Ten Suggestions.