She's Got Zits on Her But I Love Her

Have you seen this gem? A little old lady is caught snoozing at a crosswalk. Too bad about the wake-up toot. I love YouTube.

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Dear Hoss:

My wife has these terrible zits on her back. When we're making love my fingers inevitably touch one or more of these dudes, which gives me the willy-nillys. Is there anything that would get rid of these zits? --Nillied in Nullsville.

Dear Nillied:

Battery acid, acetylene torch and a cold chisel all work good on zits. Or, you could cut off your hands.

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This is supposed to be an American experiment. Fascinating, although I don't know what it's supposed to prove. Maybe that you can atomize an airplane if you do it right....

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Dear Hoss:

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"? --Bemused in Bimini.

Dear Bummed:

I think it's because that's when Limbaugh is on. Maybe not.

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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him and said, "Hi, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she said. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men. What's your name?"

He said, "Bob Titsenbeer."

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My favorite phrase today is floppy disc. N., they don't flop 'em like they used to. Def.: What you get from carrying in the Sunday newspaper.

Comfort Comes in a 1-Pound Gift

The theory is that when you get sick, you get a pet to confront comfort you. So Scamp goes to this pet store and gets this teensy thing, which is supposed to cheer me up.

This is a Papillon, made up mostly of ears. It currently weighs about a pound, but the veterinarian said in time it will get all the way up to FIVE pounds. We like it immense like. And I AM recovering, sort of, so don't feel bad for me. If I get viciously ill, I will let you know.

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Ways to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Watch them slow down.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors."

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! Third time this week!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

At the drive-through, specify that your order is "to go."

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More new words and definitions by dropping the first letter of a word:

iarrhea. Def.: Running on about oneself.

oreplay. Def.: Laying the groundwork for entering the mineshaft.

ouch-and-go. Def.: A dominatrix's house call.

oxtrot. Def.: A particularly ungraceful "Dancing With the Stars" performance.

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My favorite word today is inoculatte. N., get it at Starbuck's. Def.: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Busted

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth died on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which one of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, the most perfect breasts God ever created. I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, then asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged, and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair."

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The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a fine horse but I will still kill you in two days. When is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, the horse gallops away. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a many of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse -- alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dumb ass horse. For the last time, bring posseeeee!!"

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My favorite word today is download. N., after loading up. Def.: Getting the groceries out of the car.

You Have a Cat Like This?

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force moujth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Crown Royal. Pour shot, drink. Apply whiskey compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Toss back another shot. Throw bloodied T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followe by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume rest of whiskey. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in air.

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My favorite phrase today is ho's who? N., with pictures yet. Def.: National registry of prominent hookers.

Big Bird

Before I became a sicknik we went to the Oregon Coast. En route we passed by the Jackson Bottom Wetlands Preserve at Hillsboro to see this one-of-a-kind: the nest of a Bald Eagle.

I pictured the Scamp here for perspective's sake (the nest is the one with the sticks. Ho ho har de har har). The nest was in a three-pronged tree, part of which had fallen and the rest was due to go. So the local electric company chopped the tree off, lowered this to the ground, and gave it to the refuge. A permit was obtained from the US Fish and Wildlife Service.

Here's the power company in action. The entire contraption weighs 3,000 pounds.

It is the only known Bald Eagle nest in the entire Noo Nited States.

And, yes, the Momma and Poppa eagles still nest in the area. Hooray for wildlife.

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The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!"

The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"

The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck."

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The Bobbitts are back together and now are evangelists. She is using, as her text, the Book of Acts, and he is using Second Peter.

(Shame on you, sis.)

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My favorite word today is pumpkin. N., a friend of Peter Eater. Def.: The cousin who works at the gas station.

Whut Do You Know About Dat?

More sick-nik news: I am able to visit your b**g, but commenting wears me out. I visited everybody on my b**groll Saturday. I can write a post, although it takes a long time. Very long....

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If you are the sort of person who uses "words" like whut and dat, you need some finishing school. Ol' Hoss comes to the rescue.

1. Write a short sentence, such as "Whut makes dat go round basswards, Me Poppa?"
2. Send this, along with your credit card number, bank account number and current paycheck (if any) to Hoss at OldScrewU.com.
3. Receive in return an edited version of your sentence. In this case, an amended version would read: "HOW COME makes THAT go round basswards, Me Poppa?"

Repeat as necessary.

Satisfaction guaranteed, as always.

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Do you suppose this guy gives out Red Letter New Testaments with a set of 4?

And maybe preaches on the side?

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Have I ever shown you this clip about how to ease the boredom? Pretty funny second time around, too.

If you've already seen that, how about this clever guy? (Not for children.)

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The architect for the Dubya Bush library has said the building must incorporate "the spirit" of the Bush presidency. Some readers took note and offered these suggestions:

"It will need a huge facade."

"The building would have no public entrance. The private entrance might offer a copy of the Constitution as its doormat."

"A grand fireplace filled with burning memos."

"Instead of building a library, why don't they just steal Al Gore's house and use that?"

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My favorite word today is Riskies. N., can you see this coming? Def.: Cat food made in China.

Only in America and Elsewhere

Only in Thailand...

Only in India...

Only in China...

Only in America...



Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do people order double cheesburgers, large fries, and a diet cola.

Only in America do banks leave the doors open but chain the pens to the desk.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: In Latin, "Poli" meaning "many," and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

Only in America do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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So Brenda and Steve took their 6-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, Steve explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

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My favorite word today is ecnalubma. N., do we need more vowels there, bub? Def.: The kind of emergency vehicle you only see in a rear-view mirror.

Well Pee on Me

Shucks. I have been in the hospital for two days. Miss me?

Some people don't favor the way I am not breathing. Almost not breathing. They haven't got rid of me yet, but I am giving more thought to my reincarnation plan. Here are my current options:

1. Come back as Jesus Christ and do a lot of good works.
2. Come back as a dung beetle and eat all the dogshit on the Oregon beaches. More good works.

Let me know how you feel about this.

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Here'a a cartoon which you will need to embiggen. (Is "embiggen" a word, like hitonious is?)




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My favorite word today is giraffiti. N., does spray paint come in dark chocolate? Def.: Vandalism painted way, way high.

Hang Me Loose, Moose!

If it hadn't been for the picture, the tale of how this moose got up there would not be believable.

"This happened near Fairbanks, Alaska. Some workers were laying new power cables, which were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and are very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables. When the men, miles away, began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up too. The workers noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem. He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground. The moose was a 60-inch bull -- who was slightly peeved."

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Lame joke of the day:

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Morse toad.

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Have you seen this yet? Click on the download under the blank picture. Its title: Why Men Die Early...

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I have started writing this book. I have written quite a few words (600?) and it is going swimmingly. Maybe 500 words. It is about this pastor who dances in a gay bar and who has an unfaithful wife. So we get to see all kinds of savory creatures.

I can't imagine it being a best seller at this point. I think I am going to have to invent a new character -- some old guy who is short of breath because the Surgeon General didn't warn us about cigarettes soon enough. Some guy like me.

Now I think we got the makings of something good.

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My favorite word today is Amished. N., one of them Pennsylvania people. Def.: Hungering for a simpler way of life.

He'p Me, Ol' Hoss, He'p Me!

You surely remember Joe Friday? Here he is with Johnny Carson, starting an investigation into the copper clapper caper.

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Dear Hoss:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV, as usual. I hadn't gone more than 100 feet down the road when my engine conked out. I walked back home to get my husband's help -- but when I got home I couldn't believe my eyes! He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed up in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my makeup.

I am 32 and my husband is 34, and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Mrs. Sheila Usk of Tuscaloosa

Dear Mrs. Tusk:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking to see there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips hiolding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the ejectors.

I hope this helps.

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Dear Hoss:

Our dog is embarrassing us to death. Every time someone comes to the house, Reginald (that's the dog's name, okay?) humps their leg. Sometimes both legs. Sometimes four legs if there are two callers. Is there anything we can do to get Reginald to stop this?

Lois Mayne, of Champaign

Dear Champaign Mayne:

The best thing to do is hump Reginald's leg. Any of them will do. If Reginald likes this, I guess it won't solve anything. Have you thought of having it killed?

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My favorite word today is coffee. N., old black java. Def.: The person upon whom one coughs.

HITONIOUS: Such a Nice Word

Today, Nov. 8, is Melody Ann's birthday. A friend of hers has taken over her site and is offering various useless and inane gifts to Melody, who is OVER 40! You can see all this here.

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There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

So saith this clever wordsmith, Mr. Somebody. He does not know, apparently, that hitonious (more than horrid) comes close. (Thanks to Jamie Dawn,, who invented the word.)

(See, the thing is, if enough of us use the word -- hitonious -- it might get picked up by a dictionary or two, and Jamie Dawn will be famous or infamous, take your pick.)

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In Japan, dressmakers use their imagination. As in this case, where all these dresses are made of condoms. Very useful, too: They're not likely to run out.







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Colonoscopies are no joke, but, what the hey? A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Can you hear me now?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"You know, in West Virginia we're legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

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My favorite word today is ignoranus. N., some weird kind of proctologicism. Def.: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Let's See Now....

See this fella on the left showing off his very fine physique to the bouncing babe? Please click on the photo to find that not all is what it seems. Ho ho har de har har.

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Speaking of which, how's this for a wedding party of two?

In truthiness, I have a million or a zillion of these. Like, here:









Okay, like maybe I had four of them. So it goes. Scientists say "Hoss is too bad."

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Physics (different kind of physique) classes are tough in college.

Prof: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?"

Sophomore: "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there."

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My family doesn't have any traditions. We just do the same thing year after year.

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This redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that will cut six trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top-of-the-line model. The redneck, suitably impressed, buys it.

The next day, he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is diddly-squat. It would only cut down one tree, and it took all day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the redneck says, "What's that noise?"

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My favorite word today is oyster. N., oyster on the shell game. Def.: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Hoss Pays Off

A few days ago, I ran this picture and asked you readers to give me a caption. Several people played along, while a bunch of you
confessed you are not funny. Me too, but I know funny when I see it, so I reckoned I could judge this contest as good as anybody else. So I did. But I am not good at splitting hairs, so we have three winners of University of Oregon Charging Duck sweatshirts (in black!). For various reasons.

First, I liked this caption by Shane, one of them England blokes:

"In the distance, Roger had spotted the rare Brown Pelican. Now if he could quickly load the camera and move those infernal walkers, the next shot might be worth $200." Pretty nifty, huh?

But Shane liked the caption produced by Raggedy:

"I wasted my last shot on the penis log, and Elvis and Sasquatch show up. Aargh!" Well, I like it too.

Also, there is an honorable mention for Jana, on account of she said the magic words: "It's cold. I need a sweatshirt." I am a sucker for pretty girls.

Now then, speaking of sweatshirts, here is Ol' Hoss modeling the shirt he is sending to these three people. The Donald Duck on the shirt is licensed from Disney. The word "Oregon" appears on the Duck's hat, but you can't see it from here. Or wherever you are.

I hope the winners look as good in it as I do. But don't hold your breath.

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All of his life, Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

When Ole's 21st birthday rolled around, he and his pal, Corky, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Gramma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, they were born in January and you were born in July."

Ho ho har de har har.

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My favorite word today is Pokemon. N., odd fellow. Def.: A Rastafarian proctologist.

Raggedy and Rabbitry: Nov. 1

You know this drill: You say Rabbit Fricassee! Rabbit Fricassee! on the first, and you'll have good luck all month long. I am sure there will be some bickering about this because, maybe, you don't need a fricasseed rabbit. Ah, well, one rabbit tastes as good as another.

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The First is also the time we honor fellow b**ggers for their fine work during the month. The honorees get a Perfect Post, which is the dreamchild of Momma K and Lucinda.

My Perfect Post recipient for October is none other than Raggedy, for this swell post. She features country singer/guitarist Doc Watson, with three songs you wanna hear. Well, I did, anyway.

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A man is waiting in the doctor's office. A casual aquaintance walks in and sits down next to him, and asks, "W-w-w what are y-y-y you d-d-d doing here?"
The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W-w-why d-d do y-y-you w-w-want to s-s-s-see him?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A p-p-prostate p-p-problem? W-w-what's th-th-that?"

"I pee like you talk."

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My favorite word today is willy-nilly. N., come' si, come' sawbones. Def.: Impotent.