Here Comes the Money from Bill

When the moon hits your eye like a big piece of pie that's a mooner. I don't know where I got this. It is just short of classic, though. You gotta believe it.



+ + + + + + + +



By Maude Frickert



I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.



Thanks to you, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.



I no longer have any savings because I gsve it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hopital for the 1,387,258th time.



I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email program.



Because of a tip from you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.



I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.



I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pasttime while driving alone is picking your nose.



I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.



I send my special thanks to whomever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even thought I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.



Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



I can no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.



I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.



And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.



I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.



I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someoe will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have thier secret recipe.



And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a $5 bill dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.



If you don't forward this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.



Have a wonderful day.



Oh, by the way.....



A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with one hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.....



+ + + + + + + +



My favorite word today is originality. N., look what I (and two other guys) dreamed up all by myself. Def.: Undetected plagiarism.

Be Sly, or Obvious?

It's your first kiss, and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

Should you use some tongue?

And then you say, "What the heck!" and just go for it.



+ + + + + + + +

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind his mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, I need to know: Are my testicles black?"

The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles again, "are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!"

At this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and shouts, "Nurse! Are my test results back!!!?"

+ + + + + + +

A husband and wife are shopping in their local store when the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put it back. We can't afford that," demands the wife and so he does and they carry on with the shopping. A few aisles further along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So do 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is wrong number. N., have you got Prince Albert in the can?" Def.: If you dial this, you never get a busy signal and somebody always answers.

Tonto, Him Run Big, Fast

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked intgo a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a tall cowboy walked in and said, ""Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and, soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to get him well."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Oh, nothing, but you left your Injun running."

+ + + + + + + +

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily, a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The out-of-towner asked for help, and the farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched him to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Benny didn't move.

Then the farmer yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger!" Still, Benny didn't move.

So he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood in place.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is rehearse. N., sing me a song of sixpence. Def.: A do-over trip to the cemetery.

The Manglers Strike Again

Here are some excerpts from term papers, as collected in the book "Mangled Moments of History from Actual College Students:"

"The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption."

"(Egyptian) rulers were entitled Faroes. A famed one was King Toot."

"Fryers were required to take a vow of pottery."

"Ivan the Terrible started life as a child, a fact that troubled his later personality."

"Sir Isaac Newton invented the newton."

"The major cause of the Civil War was when slavery spread its ugly testicles across the West."

"Germany's William II had a chimp on his shoulder."

"Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."

"Stalin, Roosevelt, Churchill and Truman were known as the Big Three."

"Cesar was assassinated on the Yikes of March when he was reported to have said, "Me, too, Brutus."

"Judyism was the first monolithic religion. It had one big God named Yahoo."

+ + + + + + + +

Q.: Where do horses stay in a hotel?

A.: In the bridle suite.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is hairy cheery. Adj., it's a not so lovely day..... Def.: A traditional mating rite. During the first warm day of Spring, all the men in the subway start giving up their seats to ladies. The purpose of the hairy cheery is for men to demonstrate their manhood by displaying the wet patches under their arms.

Poor Little Johnny

Little Johnny's neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother brought the baby home from the hospital, Little Johnny's family was invited over to see him.

Before they left their house, little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears of even said the word "ears," he would get the spanking of his life when they came home. Little Johnny told his dad that he understood completely.

When Johnny looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?," asked Johnny.

"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd he shit out of luck if he needed glasses."

+ + + + + + + +

Two college accounting majors go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment -- the reels, rods, the wading suits, the boat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

The first day they go fishing they don't catch a thing. Same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day......It goes on like this until on the last day of their vacation, one of the collegians catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. The driver turns toward his passenger and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

His friend replied, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is John McCain. N., this is no little Johnny. Def.: A rabid politician who can afford to be that way because he married a millionairess.

Like Maggots in Hot Grease

Like, if we're not open we're, like, closed. Pay attention.

+ + + + + + + +

How about some "Worst Analogies from High School Essays":

"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse witrhout one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again."

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."

"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."

"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."

"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

"The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."

"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free."

"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon."

+ + + + + + + +

This is How Pilots Should Talk, according to me.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is twice-told tales. N., like something out of Aesop's Fables. Relating a funny story to someone without remembering it was he who told it to you in the first place.

Get'cher Left/Right Wing On

Larrigo Steelflint rode into the Univ of Virginia Campus with blood on his mind. There was no gettin' around it: Somebody had to die.

He whupped his hoss 'cross the withers to make up time he had lost swimming across the Puddin' Head River. The hoss, Emma Withers by name, figured it was Larrigo's fault for not leavin' camp on time......so, he just kept on amblin', as amblin' horse flesh is sorta bound to do. And so do Ramblin' Rose.

The fella that was to die that day was either Jack McCain or B.H. Obamer. Tell the truth, they both had it comin', bein's both had some high and mighty views, visions, outlooks and perceptions of theyselves.

See, they is runnin' for President of the YewNited States and they bicker a lot. So one of 'em has got to get kilt because I can't stand this argumentative back and forth horsesh_t. (Note how I cleverly covered up that cussword? Nobody ever said Larrigo was ahind the door when the brains was passed out -- or on.)

Casemeier in pernt: Jack thinks rich people need a tax cut. B.H. thinks rich people need a tax increase. I cain't settle this, so one of 'em has got to go. At high noon, providin' the sun is out.

The way we're gonna settle this is just as they did in the old days -- mano a mano, with six-guns and pace-offs and bear meat for the winner. It is now 11:57 a.m., so we got only three minutes to get rid of one of 'em.

So I line 'em up, back to back, tell 'em to take 10 paces forward, then turn and fire in the hole.

Of course you know what happen. They both took 9 steps, turned and gutshot me.

I'll be home soon, Mom. Just let me drain a little more blood on this anthill, and I'll be there witchya.

I often wondered which one of them fellas was the biggest as_shole. But I can't get my brain around it. I think the REAL biggest a__hole is the current President of the YewNited States. He going around saying what he wants for Christmas is a peppermint stick so he can stick it up his _sshole. Oh, and a third term; he wants that, too.

Wish I had a coupla peppermint sticks right now. I'd shove 'em in these bulletholes and keep a few ants from drownin'.

+ + + + + + + +

This looks like you ought to be buying a trinket from Scandinavia, but really all you need to do is click here then sit back and wait.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is language. N., you could get used to this. Def.: A tranquilizer that leaves no side effects.

Ice Broken

From the local press:

A guy walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman sitting alone, so he takes the barstool next to her. A minute goes by, then he turns to her and says, "Fat penguins."

The woman turns to him, "Pardon me?"

The guy looks at her and says, "I just thought I would say something to break the ice."

+ + + + + + + +

This is how things are going to be when women rule the world.

+ + + + + + + +

Q.: Why did the peanut go out with the grape?

A.: He couldn't find a date.

+ + + + + + + +

Q.: What's blue and white and if it fell out of a tree and hit you, it would kill you?

A.: A refrigerator in a Wrangler jacket.

+ + + + + + + +

See if you can figure out what the following words have in common:

Banana, Dresser, Grammar, Potato, Revive, Uneven, Assess.

Give up? (I did, very early on.)

Give up now?

Okay. A.: In all the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Nifty.

+ + + + + + + +

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?", you can say "Sorry, got these sacks."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is ballet. N., lift that babe, tote that bale, etc. Def.: To me, boxing is just like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Never Thought Eve Would Look So Fine

As I always say (don't I always say this?), there is nothing like a good Bible story to make your day. Or your several days.


"How Adam Got Eve"

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely. So Big Ernie asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. So Big God said, "I will fix that. I will make you a companion, and its name shall be 'woman'."



Big Ernie said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing she will wash it for you."



And further, he said, "She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. SHE WILL PRAISE YOU!

"She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it!"

Adam asked God: "What will a woman like this cost?"

Big Ernie replied: "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course, the rest is history.....!!!



+ + + + + + + +

Question: What did the magician say to the fisherman?

Answer: Take a cod, any cod.

+ + + + + + + +

This nerd is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane, the nerd grabs the radio: "Mayday! Mayday! My pilot just died!" he screamed.

Ground control receives his call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down. Just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position."

Nerd says, "I'm 5-foot-10 and sitting in the front seat."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is hog. N., one of them guys with the pork belly. Def.: One able to gain occupation of the armrest on both sides of the seat in either the movies or the plane.

Give Me My Boots and Saddles

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets and boots; BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"So, from now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" His wife promptly took off all her clothes. When he yelled "BELL 2!", his wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a couple of minutes, his wife yelled "BELL 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is BELL 4?"

"Roll out more hose," she replied. "You're nowhere near the fire!"

+ + + + + + + +

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Pastor asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All raised their hands except for one.

"Mrs. Neely?," the Pastor continued. "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?" the Pastor said.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

+ + + + + + + +

A college student was infatuated with a freshman, but he was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt as insignificant as a pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder."

("Ewwww".)

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is poor listener. N., whut you say? Def.: One who has Van Gogh's ear for music.

A Lesson in Economics

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.

One day, Johnny was so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." But the girl said no.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down to get it, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money real fast, and he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees, and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls to try to find out what happened.

She responded: "The bastard used coins!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

+ + + + + + + +

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed off first. This natural selection is good for the group as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

Now then, as you know, excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, too, taking out the slowest and weakest brain cells first. This elimination of the slower brain cells in turn makes the brain a faster and more efficient machine, which is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is your will. N., keep me in mind. Def.: A dead giveaway.

Oldie Goodies

Here are new-or-ancient stingers:

Gladstone, member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

Disraeli responds: "That depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of inadequacy." --Walter Kerr.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --Clarence Darrow.

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --Winston Churchill.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner, writing about Ernest Hemingway.

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" --Ernest Hemingway, about William Faulkner.

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it." --Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde.

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --Thomas Brackett Reed.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde.

+ + + + + + + +

Christmas cards for the psychiatrically challenged:

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Narcissistic: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and....

Paranoid: Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is dye. N., part of the Tool and Dye Works. Def.: What occurs when she sees her first strands of gray hair.

Over the Foaming Main

Suddenly the shorelines north of Sydney were transformed into the Cappuccino Coast. Foam swallowed an entire beach and half of the nearby buildings in a freak display of nature at Yamba in New South Wales.




Some scientists say this is "too bad." Others say it's caused by a die-off plankton or algae which provides the mix of protein and oil, which the ocean whips into a giant foam. And this is all the clauses I am able to mix into one sentence.

+ + + + + + + +

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON tv?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is electricity. N., a useful tool in the kitchen. Def.: This comes from electrons, like morality comes from morons.

Sweet and Shorts

Here's how Norman Rockwell would have portrayed a Redneck Thanksgiving.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. And added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter

Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

+ + + + + + + +

Some of us will go a long way to get our Rabbit! Rabbit! See, what you do is say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of the month and you'll have good luck all month long. Seems to work for the lady who dreamt this up, Momma K, for she never has bad luck. (Me also, for that matter.)

+ + + + + + + +

The teacher told his students: "Write an essay on whether the sun or the moon is more important, and defend your answer in 50 words or less."

The best response: "The moon is more important because it is already light during the day, making the sun useless."

+ + + + + + + +

Take a look at how one country slows its speeders.

+ + + + + + + +

Women only have two complaints: Nothing to wear, and not enough closet space for it.

+ + + + + + + +

Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up. -- Confuscious.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is inverse. N., the third pedal on a Model T Ford. Def.: How poets write.