God Reaches the End of the Line

In my comics on Thursday there was an (un)favorable mention of my favorite hot animal, the dung beetle. I don't know if it will enlarge when you click on it, so the middle panel says: "It (ogling online job postings) started when I realized my current job is like a dung beetle trying to mate with an epileptic cow."

Doesn't that just grab you right in the sweet spot?

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Yard Work, as Viewed from Heaven

(Overheard in a conversation between God and St. Francis)

God (also known as Big Ernie): Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions and thistles I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But grass is so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?

St. Francis: Well, apparently not. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut it...sometimes two times a week.

God: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Ernie. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No, sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight: they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You may not believe this, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty, and shade in the summer. In the autumn the leaves fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord....... As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

Big Ern: No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Frannie: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.

God: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine: 'Dumb and Dumber,' Lord. It's a really stupid movie about....

God: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

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My favorite word today is vampire. N., sore in need of blood. Def.: Children of these have to be taught, early on, not to run with a wooden stake.

Park the Car, Girl

Q. Barbie and Ken arrive at a fancy restaurant in her pink Corvette. Who parks the car?

A. The Valet of the Dolls.

(Heh heh heh. So it goes.)

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Vowing revenge on his English teacher for making him memorize Wordsworth's "Intimations of Immortality, Warren decided to pour sugar in her gas tank. But he inadvertenly grabbed a sugar substitute, so it was actually Splenda in the Gas.


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Golly whiz. Even more people wanted to know of my life and times. Where were you when I wound up 100 morsels about me and all? Maybe I got another hun'red......


I jointed this fraternity (Sigma Chi) during my freshman year at Willamette University. Long about when I was a sophomore I wanted to cohabit with some of the boys out at a local bar so I borrowed some I. and D. from one of the older guys. When I showed this at the bar the checker said, "This says you're 27. You don't look no 27 to me!" I said, quick as a whip because I was in the mood for beer, "That's the same story I've heard all my life -- you don't look that old. Well, hell, I was old enough to fight on Okinawa so I oughta be old enough to drink a beer." He gave in; I got beer, at age 19. I have never felt bad about it......

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You've seen magicians. But can you top this?

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When I was working for that newspaper in Albany, I refereed basketball part-time. One night in Alsea a civilian under the home team's basket wadded up a paper cup, shredded it, and threw it at me on grounds I didn't favor his team much. I called a technical foul and the place erupted. Turns out the cup thrower was the principal of the high school. Later on, the other team waited in its bus for me to get safely out of town. Which I did, and so I lived to b**g another day.

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Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath, and calling your name?

A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.


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My favorite word today is profit. N., buying low, selling high. Def.: Religious guy who talks to God.

What It Is, What It Was, What It Isn't

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, says:

"Well, that's great, that's really great. Now some asshole's got my pen."

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Would you believe that not everybody makes the U.S. Olympic Squad. No, they can't. Some are inept, like as seen here.

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My b**g buddy Jana thinks she wants to know more about me. She is mistaken, but I'm going to rat myself out anyway. She asked where did I go to collitch and what was my first job. (Well, ahem, I love to talk about me.)

Actually, I didn't go to college. I went to university (big deal). It was Willamette University in Salem, OR, which was the first university west of the Mississippi, or maybe west of the Rockies. It doesn't matter -- the school was the same no matter when it was est'd. I was president of the freshman class. (More big deals.) I almost got an A in biology. (Almosts don't count. You got a B, Mr. Horseknuckles.)

My first job was as a news reporter in Albany, Oregon. Actually, at the time I wasn't looking for a job because I had this neat deal at the Travel Information Division of the Highway Department, where I mailed brochures and maps to chambers of commerce all over the state. But somehow the word got out that I had graduated, so somebody blabbed my name to the Albany Democrat-Herald, and they snatched me up.

Interestly enough, four years later the Travel Information Division re-hired me, this time as an Assistant Director. But I can see this is getting into my second job, so enough's enough.

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A fairy princess dreamed of becoming a ballerina. One day, she read an announcement that the Royal Ballet would audition dancers, in a nearby town.

On the morning of the auditions, she tied 100 white pigeons to her chariot. The director noticed her dramatic entrance -- and immediately told her to go home.

"Why?" cried the princess.

Because, he said, "We have enough pigeon-towed dancers already."

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My favorite phrase today is tragic love affair. N., this could involve some crying and like that. Def.: If I had one of these I would get so bummed out that I would just leave my job and bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Bother Me No Mind

The LA Police Department recently upgraded its computer network. Included was software to track open cases. Sgt. Joe Friday was chosen to coordinate the transition to the new software.

At the end of one presentation, a woman asked, "How do you know so much about the software? Did you read the company's entire site?" she asked.

Sgt. Friday quickly responded, "Just the FAQs, ma'am."

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Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at about $5,000 a month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year -- I must have spent 400 bucks. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

We all get heavier when we get older. That's because there's lots more information in our heads.

And every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour somewhere and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

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Boy howdy. Here's some power to the people.

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My favorite word today is dungeon. N., where you can get up a chain gang. Def.: This is usually a bad place to be, but some days when there's a real bad storm outside you'd probably look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

There's Fast; Then There's Faster

The other day two people asked, in the comments, when's my birthday.  I don't know what inspired them to ask, for it is a long way off now -- well over a month.

To get the story of why I have two birthdays, click here.
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The office manager of the local Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill the Store Greeter job opening.  He found four candidates who seemed qualified, so he called them all in for an interview.  He asked them all, "What is the fastest thing you can think of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A thought.  It just pops into your head.  There's no warning -- it's just there.  A thought is the fastest thing I'm aware of."

"Very good," said the manager.  "And now you, sir?" he said to the second man.

"Hmmm.....let me see.....A blink!  It comes and goes and you don't even know if happened.  A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent," said the interviewer.  "The 'blink of an eye' -- that's a very popular cliche' for speed."

He turned to the third man, who started right out.  "Well, out at my Dad's ranch, yiou step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.  When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.  Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I know of."

The interviewer was very impressed with this answer, and thought he had found his man.  "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.  But, he turned to the fourth candidate, Bubba, and asked him the question.

Ol' Bubba didn't hesitate.  "I heard the first three answers, but none of them is right.  It's obvious to me that the fastest thing going is diarrhea."

"What?!! exclaimed the interviewer.

"Oh sure," said Ol' Bubba.  "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom.  But before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I had already shit my pants."

Next time you're in Wal-Mart, say howdy to Ol' Bubba for me.
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My favorite word today is rain.  N., pitter patter on the window or some such.  Def.:  When this happens, and a kid asks where rain comes from, you tell him "God is crying."  And if asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Final Words from George Carlin

Lookie here:  No butt-crack!

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An old lady went into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.  "I pass gas all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless and they have no odor.  In fact, since I've been here I've passed gas no less than 20 times.  What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker.  Take these pills three times a day for seven days, then come back and see me."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office and said, "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse.  I'm passing gas just as much and they're still soundless, but the problem is worse.  I'm passing gas just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible.  What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor, soothingly.  "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

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Here's a gift from the late George Carlin:

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1.  Throw out nonessential numbers.  This includes age, weight and height.  Let the doctors worry about them.  That's why you pay them.

2.  Keep only cheerful friends.  The grouches pull you down.

3.  Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.  Never let the brain idle.  "An idle mind is the Devil's workshop.  And the Devil's name is Alzheimers."

4.  Enjoy the simple things.

5.  Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6.  The tears happen.  Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person who is with us our entire life is we, ourselves.  Be alive while you are alive.

7.  Suround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.  Your home is your refuge.

8.  Cherish your health.  If it is good, preserve it.  If it unstable, improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9.  Don't take guilt trips.  Take a gtrip to the mall, even to the next county or a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10, Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.  And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths that we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people, who cares?

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My young grandson called the other day and asked me how old I am.  I said "77."  He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

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My favorite phrase today is mad scientists.  N., real spooks, I bet.  Def.:  For guys like this who keep brains in jars, why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

Why Men Don't Hump at Cocktail Parties

The kindergartners are learning to read.  Yesterday, one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said:  "Look at this!  It's a frickin' elephant!"



The teacher took a deep breath and said, "What did you call it?"



"It's a frickin' elephant!  It says so right on the picture!"



And so it does:

                                                  "African Elephant"

(And so another lad is hooked on phonics.)

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You're going to have a helluva time ordering pizza in 2010, judging by this.

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Q.  Why do men become smarter during sex?

A.  Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q.  Why don't women blink during sex?

A.  They don't have enough time.

Q.  Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?

A.  They don't stop to ask directions.

Q.  Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?

A.  Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.

Q.  Why were men given bigger brains than dogs?

A.  So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q.  How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?

A.  Don't know.  It has never happened.

Q.  Why did God make men before women?

A.  You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

Q.  Why did God put men on earth?

A.  Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

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A couple is lying in bed.  The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you...."

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My favorite word today is advice.  N., this is really easy to get.  Def.:  When you tell your doctor you have ringing in your ears, his advice is, "Don't answer it."

Defeat of da Duck Went Over.....

A strawberry blonde was using her weed eater in her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, which was hiding in the grass.



She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Wal-Mart.



Why Wal-Mart?



Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in the world.

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Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.  They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th Century carriage hitched to six white horses.  They continue on toward Buckinham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons.  All is going well.



Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-shattering gas-off ever heard in the British Empire.  The smell is atrocious.  Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.



The noise shakes the coach but the two dignitaries do their best to ignore the incident.  The Queen turns to President Bush and says, "Mr. Bush, please accept my regrets.  I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control.



George Bush, always trying to be presidential, responds, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought.  Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."



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One day the housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.  He called to his wife in the kitchen, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"



"It depends," she resonded.  "What does it say on your shirt?"



"University of Oklahoma."



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My favorite phrase today is a bell.  N., ringie, ringie, dingie.  When you tell your doctor you feel like this, he says, "Here, take two of these pills.  If they don't work, give me a ring."

Nowhere in the Mohair

The Washington Post asked its readers to create names for employee handbooks for various organizations.  Herewith some of the finest:

Shriners Parade Handook:  "Put on a Happy Fez"

"How to Succeed in Business Without Really Frying:  Opening a Fat-Free Restaurant"

PETA guidebook:  "Making Meats End"

A guide to crash-testing:  "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dummies"

Bureau of Indian Affairs census:  "How's Sioux in America"

"First Come, First Severed:  A Practical Guide to Amputation"

Helicopter Flying manual:  "The Way We Whirr"

Escort Service:  "For Whom the Belle Toils"

USDA Inspector's Handbook:  "There's More to This Than Eyes the Meat."

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Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound.  The youngest women pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.  The others looked at her questioningly.  'That was my pager," she said.  "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

Moments later, a phone rang and the second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.  When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone.  I have a microchip in my hand."

The older women felt very low tech, but it seemed like she needed to do something equally impressive.  So she stepped out of the sauna and into the restroom.  She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.  The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

Finally, the old woman said, "Well, will you look at that.  I'm getting a Fax!"

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This has caught the sense of the weekend right smart.

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My favorite word is invisible.  N., haven't I seen you before?  Def.:  The nurse brings in the patient, and the doctor says,  "Tell him I can't see him."

How Are We Supposed to Do This?

"Next time, I'll take the pictures and you can let the bear out."

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Can you believe this cruelty?  These people is mean at heart.

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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possiblefor a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highball" and the just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."  Pepsi will market the new concoction bhy the name of Mount and Do.

Thought for the day:  There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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A man boarded a plane with six kids.  After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No, I work for a condom company.  These are Customer Complaints."

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My favorite word today is appointment.  N., when you are sentenced to a room all by yourself.  Def.:  When you get one of these after a month-and-a-half wait is when the doctor says "I wish you had come to me sooner."

His First Day in School

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrasekhar Subrahmanhyam entered the fourth grade.  The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.  Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me Death?"  She sawa sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up:  "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.



"Very good!" said the teacher.  "Now, who said Government of the People, by the People, and for the People, shall not perish from the earth?"  Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.  "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.



The teacher snapped at the class.  "Class, you should be ashamed.  Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."



She heard a loud whisper:  "F**k the Indians...."



"Who said that!" she demanded.



Chandrasekhar put his hand up.  "General Custer, 1862.



At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."



The teacher glares around and asks, "All right.  Now, who said that!?"



Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1999."



Another student, now furious, yells, "Oh yeah?  S*ck this!!"



Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair, waves to the teacher, and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."



Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit.  If you say anything else, I'll kill you."



Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandry Levy, 2001."



The teacher fainted.  And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh, shit, we're f**ked!"



And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."



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Remember Achmed?  He's back in tune, right here.



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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.  When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.



I don't think you should take one, Dad.  They're very strong and very expensive."



"How much?" asked Grandpa.



"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.



"I don't care," said Grandpa.  "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning I'll put the money under the pillow."



Later the next morning the son found $110 under the pillow.  He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."



"I know," said Grandpa.  "The hundred is from Grandma."



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My favorite word today is bugs.  N., wasn't he a Las Vegas mobster?  Def.:  Those little black things you find in enclosed light fixtures.

Things You Can't Say When Spiffed

Things Difficult to Say When Drunk



1.  Innovative

2.  Preliminary

3.  Proliferation

4.  Cinnamon



Things Very Difficult to Say When Drunk



1.  Specificity

2.  Anti-constituionality

3.  Passive-aggressive disorder

4.  Transubstaniate



Things Impossible to Say When Drunk



1.  No thanks, I'm married.

2.  Nope, no more booze for me.

3.  Sorry, but you're not really my type

4.  Taco Bell?  No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5.  Good evening, Officer.  Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6.  Oh, I couldn't!  No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7.  I'm not interested in fighting you.

8.  Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance.  I have no coordination.

9.  Where is the nearest bathroom?  I refuse to pee on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.



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A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 



"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.  Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and nne of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.



"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten it, or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"



After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said softly, "Wedding cake."



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My favorite phrase today is The Law of Public Speaking.  N., If the shoe fits, it's ugly.  A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Letters That Go Bump in the Night

If they put a man on the moon, they ought to be able to put all of them up there, according to Maxine.That would make a lot of women happy, which is what this day is about:  happiness.  Rabbit! Rabbit!  Say these words and you'll have good luck all month long, also according to Maxine.

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The Washington Post asked its readers to combine two words beginning with a letter from

S to Z and create a new word.  Here are some of the favorites:



Shishkabul:  Grilling prisoners in Afghanistan.



Slothario:  A man who lures women to bed just to sleep.



Spamputate:  To delete the entire junk mail file.



Sudafederales:  Brave agents who protect our nation from foreign cold remedies.



Viagrarian:  A farmer who can plow the land for four hours without stopping to rest.



Worshippodrome:  A megachurch.



Wiretapestry:  The drapes in the FBI building.



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Lame Joke of the Day:



Q.:  Why was the crow perched on the telephone wire?



A.:  He wanted to make a long-distance caw.



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After 42 years of wedding bliss, I took a careful look at my wife one day, and declared, "Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but every night I got to sleep with a 19-year-old gal.



"Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big  bed and plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman.  It seems to me you're not holding up your side of things."



My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find me a hot 19-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.



Older women; they sure know how to settle the mid-life crisis.



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My favorite phrase today is sense of humor.  N., In case you have one, keep it.  Def.:  This does not mean you have to tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.