Bush Takes It in the Shorts Again

You know what this is, right? Of course you do. (It's an assaulted peanut.)

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I ran across this thing that almost made me weep. It's one of those things that make you go: "Wouldn't it be neat if this were true?" Go see this. You'll get a warm spot in your heart.

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SEINFELD:

"On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

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Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and, frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused; they faxed; they e-mailed; they e-mailed with attachments; they downloaded; they did spreadsheets; they wrote reports; they created labels and cards; they created charts and graphs; they did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell. But then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's GONE! I lost everything when the power went out." Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files for the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

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My favorite word today is fox. N., now up to size 16. Def.: The almost-completely-forgotten girlfriend from your distant past for whom your wife has an irrational jealousy.