"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
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Holy Mackerel Company: Rules of Behavior
We are glad to welcome you as a new employee. There are just a few guidelines you need to follow to make your stay with us as comfortable as possible for us.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days per year of service. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, co-workers or pets. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture in situ will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can appear to be healthy.
Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, aggravations, allegations, accusations, consternation and input should directed elsewhere.
The Management
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad, bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees the mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," he answers.
"Why is that?" his mom asks.
"Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
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My favorite phrase today is financial planner. N., a whiz with the geetus. Def.: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
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