How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR INSTALLING A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to the Goodwill Store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 14-16.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several scattered empty beer cans, a copy of a well-thumbed Guns &, Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
"Hey, Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim -- I went to the gun shop for more ammo. I'll be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls: they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don' think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
"P.S. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."
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Morris and his wife, Esther, went to the State Fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I's like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
This year, when they went to the fair, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To which Esther replied, "Morris, that helicoper ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard this exchange and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everrything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed."
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but, you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
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The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
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My favorite word today is remembrance. N., A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh. Def.: Keep in mind, half the people you know are below average.
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