The News Isn't Always Bad

Just because us old folks in the Way Too Old Folks' Home are old, the news we get isn't always Grimm tales. For instance, I just got fantastic news from my doctor. He says I can quit taking my cholesterol medicine and my thyroid medicine because by the time my arteries get plugged up and my thighs get roided I will be dead of lung disease. Isn't that great?

I mean, really. You see, just for the cholesterol pills Pfizer was charging me $4 a day, plus an occasional arm and leg. And they had an option on my colon.

So I will be saving big bucks as I move ever closer to Making My Pile.

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I don't have an opinion on this Terri Shiavo thing (yes I do), except to say I think it must be a boon to lawyers. They seem to be the best qualified to write the "Living Will" that's gotten so populated. You can get one on the Internet, I'm sure, but I had mine done by a lawyer long time ago. I wanted to make sure everybody got tied up in knotholes if they tried to keep me alive with feeding tubes and electric shock and lobotomies and weenie drainers.

I also signed one of them papers that say the creepers dealing with my body can have all my organists, if any them would do anybody any good. I got a preliminary assessment from the Organ Harvest Society saying my innards is 80 proof, so "No Thanks."

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Before I got into writing my pieces on the Internet I neve realized the number of ways there is to make money. And it's so easy. Just today I got me a copyorvillewright and a patent leather on the initials "TM" and the word "Trademark." In short, I have trademarked "Trademark."

The royalties are going to be so big they'll need to park a dumpster in my living room to hold all the million-dollar bills.

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While I was in the hospital on March 15, I dictated a little piece to my daughter, who posted it on this here site. It said: "Horse in hospital. Read old shit." She's a school marm who don't swear none, so I apologize to her. What I shoulda had her write was: "Horse in hospital. Dig around in his old feces."