Ol' Hoss Has the Midas Touch

Hoss, in the Land of Anciency, wants to thank ever'body who had neat money-making ideas yesterday. Of course, I woulda thought of 'em myself, so don't get your tit in a wringer* if your idea doesn't show up just now. My buddy Chenoah suggested going for plastic parsley, but what she don't know is I was gonna cancel parsley altogether since none of the dumbasses around here will eat it anyway. Savings: $30 a month.

Now then, take out that third mortgage so's you can invest in My Plan to Get Rich. (For anybody who missed yesterday's piece, I'm planning to take over the Assisted Living Facility--Old Folks' Home--where I live and turn it into a cash cow.)

But, of course, before you start digging up your back yard looking for your stole money that you want to put in my hands, you'll want to know the rest of my plan for developing Ol' Hoss's Slave Labor Camp and Riding Academy.

4. Quilting Bee. A lot of these old ladies have made quilts when they was younger. No reason they can't make some for Hoss. Raw materials will cost about nothing -- these women got a lot of cotton dresses they ain't using, so we can cut those up. And for filling, we're loaded with panty liners around here; just have to staple 'em together. I think we'll call these Amish Quilts, because they got such a good reputation for quality. That isn't exactly cheating, either, because we DO have some Amish people in Oregon. Hell, even got a town named Amity.

A. Benefit to Residents: Idle hands are the Devil's work.
B. Benefit to Hoss: Two quilts a month, @$500 each.

5. Victory Garden. Almost all of us here grew up during World War II when growing a "victory garden" was just about mandatory if you wanted to eat. Today, I guess most young people think that fruits and vegetables grow themselves in the Piggly Wiggly bins. Since you can get just about all the ordinary vegetables at your Kroger's, our residents will grow stuff like Celeriac, Salsify, Yard-Long Beans and Spaghetti Squash. Oddities always worth a premium. We'll sell these at the local Saturday and Wednesday outdoor markets.

A. Benefit to Residents: Helping out the war effort.
B. Benefit to Hoss: $800 a month from the markets, $200 a month reduction in my food bill. (Also, I will have the franchise on Lava Soap, which the residents will need to clean they fingernails.)

6. Sidewalk Sales. Down in Santa Fe, the Hopi or the Navajo Indians spread blankets on the sidewalk and sell exquisite silver and turquoise jewelry. Well, we got blankets too, so I'll have some of the residents out on ther sidewalks on the weekends. They can't make jewelry but they're hell on wheels when it comes to doilies and tea cozys. People might drive in from miles around to see this, especially since I'll have all my sellers wearing 10-gallon sombreros.

Benefit to Residents: Integral part of new tourist attraction.
Benefit to Hoss: Probably not more than $100 a month, but it's the thought that counts.

Okay, that's it. Well, no it isn't. I haven't told you about my Riding Academy, which is another source of financial coup d' etat. Tomorrow I'll do that. This will give you another day to sell your children to get enough money to invest with Ol' Hoss, your pal.

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*You ever hear that phrase? See, in the old days when Maytag first came out with a whiz-bang washing machine it had two rollers on top for squeezing the water outta the clothes. Women would lean across these rollers to grab the semi-dried clothes and get a boobie in the wringer. This actual happened to my cousin, Aloha. So the phrase was born -- born to mean "anger with pain." Once my brother got his arm in the wringer and before Mom could shut off the machine it had him up to the shoulder blade. I think he was more embarrassed than angry.