Open Wide

So Scamp and I are in Medford. Apparently a lot of gay people live here, for the city advertises itself as "The Fruit Capitol of the West."

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Good ol' Maxine (left) told me about her new diet. She altered her drive to work to avoid passing her favorite bakery. But she accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as she approached she saw in the windshield a host of goodies. She felt this was no accident, so she prayed, "God, it's up to you. If you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

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Near Colorado Springs, Colo., the Air Force conducted tests with a special radio frequency that would communicate with first responders in the event of a homeland security threat. Unfortunabley, it was discoverred that the frequency also instantly opened an estimated 50 million garage doors in a seven-state area.

Now then, how 'bout them UFOs, huh?

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A husband is in his backyard, trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this several times, with no success.

All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window. She finally opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

"Make up your mind," he said. "Last night you told me to go fly a kite."

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My favorite word today is dammit. N., and Bob's your uncle. Def.: You're on vacation, you're driving, it's raining, and the kids are making you a nervous wreck.

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(Heaven's to murgatroyd. I just discovered that Medford has a bunch of pear and apricot trees. They might have gays, too, but I don't know for sure.)