Blue Ball Comes After Intercourse

If I had a bigger chest, you could see that this says.....oh, never mind. I think you can see what it says. What it says is I got this from my B**g Sister, Nat, also known as Tan Lucy Pez. See, she gifted me this because I am such a swell guy, and I model clothes so spiffily. (Or maybe she was making fun of my lack of prostate; I guess you'll have to guess, but all in all there is no question that I am spiffily.)

Intercourse, Blue Ball and Paradise are little towns out in the Pennsylvania country, near the Amish people. I don't know how close they are to Hop Bottom.

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The family is sitting at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, though surprised, answers. "Well, son, there are three kinds of breats. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties and forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?" inquires Junior.

"Yes. You see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriates both mother and daughter. So daughter asks, "Mom, how many types of 'johnsons' are there?"

The mother responds, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties his johnson is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties it is like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties it is like a Christmas tree."

"Like a Christmas tree?" inquires Daughter.

"Yes, dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

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I'm so old my high school swim team did laps in the primoridal pool.

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My favorite word today is fiber. N., you know, kinda like a fiberous begonia. Def.: What old people find in their carpet, and young people find in their vitamins.

What's With All the Rabbits?

The Internet Pez family (examples: Tan Lucy Pez, dddragon, Aral and Acton Bell Pez) on the first of every month write a b**g piece often headlined "Rabbit! Rabbit!". And often they will show a new picture of one or more rabbits. Through the device of having my own b**g I am going to pester them until they explain why this is. I think it's called "lagomania," which is Bugs Bunny-speak for "What's up, Doc?"

Now then, Tan Lucy Pez told me this action over to the left is how Easter eggs are made. But I think I'm entitled to confirmation from the rest of the Pez Gang, don't you? Lucy is the mother of this clan, and you know how us old people start forgetting...

And then she says that this monstrosity is one of the smaller rabbits in her Pennsylvania herd. Man, I bet when the coupling starts up you can hear it all the way to Intercourse.

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The world is supposed to end tomorrow. Thank God. I'll finally get off "Hold" with the tech help in India.

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"I believe my music is the healin' music....It regenerates the ears, makes the liver quiver, the bladder splatter and the knees freeze. I'm not conceited, either." -- Little Richard.

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My favorite phrase today is Hawaiian shirt. N., colors loud and louder. Def.: The thing you bought on vacation so you'd have something for Goodwill the next time they call.

Names Were Made to Be Sold

I'm not exactly sure how I'll go about this, but somehow I'm going to gather up the Naming Rights to a whole bunch of things. I hope I won't need a lawyer, because lawyers are so shifty and personally bottom-line oriented. Squinty, too. Lawyers is like porcupines, they....Well, hold on, this ain't about lawyers; this is about Naming Rights. I'll get to lawyers some day, and I bet they ain't gonna like it much. Lawyers is like beached whales, see, because they....Okay, okay, Naming Rights.

The importance of gathering up Rights to Naming Rights is, of course, part of my Grand Plan to Make My Pile. I probably haven't told you this before, but I need to make a lot of money real soon on accounta my days is numbered (706 and counting down; my doctor says you can bet your sweet bippy on this). The money will be used to create a Doctoral Chair at the University of Oregon that is dedicated to making up jokes about lawyers.

Hah! I'm just kidding. Lawyers is natural born jokes. They don't need no help. Lawyers is like blowflies, see, because they....Naming Rights! Yessiree, I got it.

I NEED A LOT OF MONEY TO PAY FOR A GOLD-LINED CASKET! OKAY? Then in 2000 years when the archaeologists dig me up they'll say, "Hoo boy, we got us another King Tut." Bein' famous when you're dead ain't like bein' famous when you're alive, but not all of us can be Osama bin Laden. Maybe not all of us want to.

Here are just a few of the Naming Rights I think I can put together:

OLD NAME.....................NEW NAME
St. Louis Arch..................Dr. Scholls Arch Supports
Jennifer Wilbanks............Wells Fargo Wilbanks
Halfway, Oregon..............Ellen Degeneres
Carnival Lines..................Tom Cruise
Peewee Herman................Palm Sunday*
Jackson, Mississippi.........Michael Jackson, Mississippi
Intercourse, PA...............Heidi Fleiss
Grand Forks, NE..............Rogers Silverplate
Florida Keys....................Yale Locks
Grand Banks...................Jennifer Wilbanks

Doubling up on the name of the Runaway Bride is probably pretty smart cookies, since the only other news of late is about W's shrinking poll numbers. Strike while the Greyhound to Albuquerque is hot, I always say.

(Boy howdy, I just can't wait to see what other suggestions appear in the comments. I might make millions.)

* I'm just hoping somebody has to ask what this is all about. I've long wanted to exercise my knowledge of what goes on in Triple X-rated movie houses.

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My favorite word today is flupth. n., thedogdidit. Def.: The kind of fart you hope will go unnoticed.

Foiled Again and Foul of Mouth

Us Old People keep getting the shaft. My Original Screenplay, "Long Gone With the Wind and Rain" (see somewhere below) did not win an Oscar last night. From what I understand, it only got 33% of the vote. I think what happened was that my Synopsisosity to Chapter 5 was so good that it was entered as a separate nominee, and it drew off 21% of the vote.

My movie had big stars like Vivian Sleigh, Clark Kent Goble, Thomas Mitchell, Billy the Kid and Godzilla. It had big fires (if you count having all of South America going up in flames as big). And we volunteered to cut the legs off Demi Moore, playing the part of Vivian, to maintain historical accuracy.

I think it woulda been a shoe-in for Best Picture.

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Merle Hertz came out of the closet today, to the delight of all of us at the Old Folks' Home. But it took him 15 minutes to find the door.

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I think the reason everybody here thinks I'm rotten is because I am. But that's because all my life I've been surrounded by smutty language -- dirty, suggestive stuff. It just wore me down. Here's what I mean:

--City DUMP
--LOAD of clothes
--SHITike Creek, Oregon
--WHOREhouse Meadows, Oregon
--Don HO
--Squaw TIT, former name of Mt. Washington, Oregon
--INTERCOURSE, Pa.
--Oregon State BEAVERs
--Cecil HEAD, Salem, Or.
--JACK KANOFF, Redmond, Or.
--Church SEXton
--SCREWloose
--SHAG rug
--Shotgun shell WADding
--LAY's potato chips
--SUCKer
--"Thar She BLOWs"
--FUCKminster Fuller (oh, well)

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My next-door neighbor, Jillian Comeagain, imparted the secret to a long life: "Wake up every morning."

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On the internet I found a new game for the sports program we're developing for Fox TV (see yesterday's entry). It's called: "Alphabeticize the M&M's." This will be hard for some of us, so we'll allocate a 5-minute slot.