Names Were Made to Be Sold

I'm not exactly sure how I'll go about this, but somehow I'm going to gather up the Naming Rights to a whole bunch of things. I hope I won't need a lawyer, because lawyers are so shifty and personally bottom-line oriented. Squinty, too. Lawyers is like porcupines, they....Well, hold on, this ain't about lawyers; this is about Naming Rights. I'll get to lawyers some day, and I bet they ain't gonna like it much. Lawyers is like beached whales, see, because they....Okay, okay, Naming Rights.

The importance of gathering up Rights to Naming Rights is, of course, part of my Grand Plan to Make My Pile. I probably haven't told you this before, but I need to make a lot of money real soon on accounta my days is numbered (706 and counting down; my doctor says you can bet your sweet bippy on this). The money will be used to create a Doctoral Chair at the University of Oregon that is dedicated to making up jokes about lawyers.

Hah! I'm just kidding. Lawyers is natural born jokes. They don't need no help. Lawyers is like blowflies, see, because they....Naming Rights! Yessiree, I got it.

I NEED A LOT OF MONEY TO PAY FOR A GOLD-LINED CASKET! OKAY? Then in 2000 years when the archaeologists dig me up they'll say, "Hoo boy, we got us another King Tut." Bein' famous when you're dead ain't like bein' famous when you're alive, but not all of us can be Osama bin Laden. Maybe not all of us want to.

Here are just a few of the Naming Rights I think I can put together:

OLD NAME.....................NEW NAME
St. Louis Arch..................Dr. Scholls Arch Supports
Jennifer Wilbanks............Wells Fargo Wilbanks
Halfway, Oregon..............Ellen Degeneres
Carnival Lines..................Tom Cruise
Peewee Herman................Palm Sunday*
Jackson, Mississippi.........Michael Jackson, Mississippi
Intercourse, PA...............Heidi Fleiss
Grand Forks, NE..............Rogers Silverplate
Florida Keys....................Yale Locks
Grand Banks...................Jennifer Wilbanks

Doubling up on the name of the Runaway Bride is probably pretty smart cookies, since the only other news of late is about W's shrinking poll numbers. Strike while the Greyhound to Albuquerque is hot, I always say.

(Boy howdy, I just can't wait to see what other suggestions appear in the comments. I might make millions.)

* I'm just hoping somebody has to ask what this is all about. I've long wanted to exercise my knowledge of what goes on in Triple X-rated movie houses.

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My favorite word today is flupth. n., thedogdidit. Def.: The kind of fart you hope will go unnoticed.