A "No Smoking" Zone

And on the 12th day after staring death in the eyebones, it came Easter and Ol' Hoss ressurected hisself.*

+ + + + + + + +

It has been awhile since I wrote anything, as my 102,000 fans well know. Well, I'm feelin' good in The Old Folks' Home in which I dwell, and am here forever to slake your demand to read about my sly and cunning ways.

When I got back from the hospital, some people here thought I oughta join the war on the tobacco companies for causing me to nearly go toes up with lung disease. "Get in on the dough, Hoss, before they all go bust," Merle Hertz said.

I ain't got no interest in suing the terbaccy merchants. Sure, they guilty of lots of things, and the numbnuts deserve some punishing. But why would I want my (former) fellow smokers to give me money for what I did to myself? And that's all it is, dough coming from all smokers to finance the sick smokers. What a daisy chain.

Big Tobacco bridled but they did what they was told. They put right on their packages about an eon ago: "This shit ain't good for you, Bubba. You might lose that tongue you're wagging." "Unadulterated poison, Aunt Martha. Swear off, now."

I remember an old song that had lyrics including these lines:

"Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette,
"Smoke, smoke until you smoke youself to death.
"Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate
"That you hate to make him wait,
"But you just gotta have another cigarette."

That song was on the Hit Chart long before "Hazardous to Your Health" arrived. So I had fair warning, and I taking my medicine (they got some good doo-doo in the hospital).

But maybe I CAN make some money out of this. You know me, always thinking about making my pile. Big Tobacco can hold me up as their Poster Child: "Here, look at this sick sonofabitch. He's the onliest man in the world who don't want to sue us."

I might get the Marlboro Man in the background, giving the old Ebert two thumbs up.

I figure I ought to get 100 USD for each poster they put out.

Wonder if I can work Joe Camel into the poster? Make it ecumenical.

+ + + + + + + +

Living in an Old Folks' Home like I do makes it easy to do some heavy thinking. It's nice and quiet, mostly. And the result of this heavy thinking is that you'll soon be seeing headlines like this:

New York Times: "Senior Citizen Scores Dramatic Financial Success"
Forbes Magazine: "Ten Tips on How Ol' Hoss Came to Riches"
Variety: "Yid Kid Bids for Fame" (I didn't know I was Jewish, but that's okay. Some of my best friends aren't Jewish. Some of them aren't Arabs, either.)
Gizoogle: "Old Playa Retirizzle $$"
Time Magazine: "Old Horsetail Snake Is Man of Year"

These will be coming because of the immensely successful business plan I have developed In Order to Make My Pile. Now, I can't tell you about this right now, maybe at the end of the week. I got some other schemes going that will keep you busy in the meantime unnerstandin' my recent thought of train.

I WILL be charging these publications for writin' their headlines for 'em.

+ + + + + + + +

* I missed out on Palm Sunday. Carolina Sister says that's the day we revere palm readers. Damn, I thought it was the day we was allowed to choke our lizard with either hand.