Pot Pourri

Uh, oh:

To: Old Horsetail Snake
From: MSN

Dear Mr. Snake: Your use of scatalogical terms and assorted other filthy words has gotten entirely out of hand. Therefore, you will suffer the following penalties: 1) You will not receive a beejer in your Christmas stocking; and 2) Your membership in MSN has been terminated and transferred to the Little Old Lady From Pasadena. Have a nice day, asshole.

I guess I will have to give up on MSN Search. I hear there are a couple of other search engines I can use. I think their names are Gargle and Yodel.

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There is this lady, Phat Happenstance, in The Old Folks' Home who is driving me crazy. She's in a wheelchair, see, so when she's done in the dining room she needs one of the waitresses to push her back to her apartment. And because she thinks the sun rises and sets on her scrawny ass, she wants this done NOW:

Phat: "Help" (in tremolo).
Mr. Snake: "Phat, when the waitresses are done serving everybody, they will come get you."
Phat: "Okay." (One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three...15 seconds, maximum, pass by:)

Phat: "HELP me" (vibrato).
Waitress: "We'll be with you as soon as everyone has been served."
Phat: "Okay." (One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three...10 seconds later:)

Phat: "HELP ME! (basso profundo)

So today I shot her right between the eyes. Well, I didn't, but I coulda. Shoulda. Woulda.

Will.

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Some people think I'm evil. But it's only because I got such good business sense. Here's what I mean:

Today at lunch I said to Nelly Nervous: "If you were the administrator here, would you populate this place with more people like you, or more people like me?"

I ask you, how does a person answer a question like that without either bragging or hurting my feelings? Can't be done, so Nelly conjured up a heart attack and died.

I tried this on two other residents later, and they likewise expired. Everybody takes the easy way out.

Anyway, by this time I have cost The Home $7,200 a month in income. So the administrator says to me, "If you'll stop that, you can live here rent-free."

See what I mean about having a good head for business? Hoo boy.