Shafted Again, I Fight Back

Just because I live in an Old Folks' Home is maybe why everybody thinks they can rip me off. I can just hear those scammers out there: "Let's go mug some old people. They're all suckers for Nigerians."

The latest hatchet job on me is that my famous book, "Long Gone With the Wind and Rain," has been swiped RIGHT OFF THE INTERNET! And this is even after I had the copywilburwright and the screenorvillewright in my safe deposit box. And I had a patent from the Library of Congers on my idea for making artificial legs (nobody had ever thought of this before; that's why Long John Silver walked with a limp).

The theft was by -- you guessed it -- some goddamn Chinaman. I am no longer listed as the author; they claim my book was written by some fink named Confucious Say.

Those Chinks have no respect for Fair Trade and Garage Sales. They'll steal anything. My buddy Bill Gates was saying just the other day, "Proprietary theft by the Chinese has cost me over a billion dollars, and I've got a family to feed." (I hear he's been over in London looking for crumbs off-a Queen Elizabeth's table, he's that hungry.)

You know, this is strange. Back in World War II the Japs were "the yellow peril" and the Chinese were our buds. Now the situation is reversed. Personally, I think if somebody is going to be a yellow peril they ought to stick with it and not go yin yanging back and forth. I don't know how the Chinese get away with it. Everybody knows Armani is not a Chinese name.

Anyway, I haven't given upon on my dream of getting rich by writing a book. And this time I have the perfect solution to protect my work from the Chinese, as well as the Norwegians and Lapps and anybody else that covets fine writing. You'll see how this works right away. Here is the opening of My New Book:

"Linda >uyvgtaull@iprolinc.ch> sighed >RWXQNZdkgmb.pachyhouse.net< as Randy >href=30"hHp//conduit< slipped >a6.halbers6848pilusjps< her >ebolton_bt@klincowde> a boner."

You can see right away what I'm doing here. You can get the gist of the story just by reading the obvious words. But I am leaving out all the adjectives and adverbs, and you'll only be able to get them by buying my code. See, I won't be selling novels so much as I'll be selling code-breaking machines left over from World War II. No middlemen: no printing houses, no Amazons. Just me and my internet customers. I don't think I'll let anybody invest in this; it's just too good a thing to share.

This, my friends, is the book-writing wave of the future. Eat your heart out, Grisham.

In case you are thinking about buying the book code, I'm taking reservations. It's titled "Linda Lovelace Goes Deep." It's a sports story.