Biding My Time in the Street

How Beer Works:

In case you didn't know, this is how good ol' beer works.

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I am standing in the queue at the grocery store, holding a 20-lb. bag of dog food. This is not easy, for I am also holding onto a crutch, courtesy of a broken leg I got fixed in the hospital because I fell off my roof. Unhappily it is a long line, so lo and behold the lady in back of me wants to chat.

"You have a pet, I see," she offers.

I am in no mood for chit-chat because 20 lbs. can get heavy, and the grocery store's air-conditioning is on the fritz, my broken leg is giving me fits, and I am not much of a conversationalist. But I give it a go.

"No," I say, "it's part of my new diet. Works wonders. You should try it. You keep some of these kibbles in your purse or your pocket and knibble on them all day and you'll lose lots of weight. IN FACT, (I am beginning to bellow now) YOU MIGHT LOSE EVEN MORE THAN THAT(however much that was)."

I notice a guy in the line behind who is not falling for my story but is having a good time listening to it. So I am ready with the embellishment if she gives me a chance. And, once again lo and behold, she comes up with it:

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and that's why I ended up in the hospital.

I said, "No....I had been sitting in the street licking my ass when a car hit me."

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

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Why Women Are Superior
(most of the time)

They got off the Titanic first.

They can scare male bossdses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous.

They can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

Men die earlier, so they get to cash in the life insurance.

We know the Truth about whether size matters.

No faux pas they make could ever rival the male's Speedo.

They don't have to fart to amuse themselves.

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My favorite phrase today is costume party. N., or just whistle while you work? Def.: If you go to one of these at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.