Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Bum

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out. We don't serve your type in here."

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For those of you interested in my evil life and times......My first adulterated job -- I was then 19 -- was as whistle punk* for Brooks-Scanlon Lbr. Co. One morning, after the speeder** dumped us at the landing***. I told the hooker**** I had to take a leak so I walked out in the show****, dodging pecker poles***** to keep their snow off my back.

When I got back, the bull of the woods*******had the brush apes*******all sorted out, a faller********to each bucker*********. Bein' it was my first day, I naturally got hurt right in front of the push***********. Somebody else blew the one short and one long required of the whistle punk so's they'd know what time it was************. But let me tell ya, there weren't no lumber jacks************* out there.

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Tough Questions:

1. If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three of whom were deaf, two who were blind and one mentally retarded, and she had syphillis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

(Read the next question before looking at the response for Q. No. 1.)

2. It is time to elect a new world leader and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. For whom would you vote?

A. Associates with crooked politicians and consults with an astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8-10 martinis a day.
B. He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
C. He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Decide which of these would be your choice for world leader:

Candidate A is Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C. is Adoph Hitler.

And now, for your answer to the abortion question. If you said Yes, she should have an abortion, you would have killed Beethoven.

Makes a person think before passing judgment, huh?

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* Whistle punk -- one who whistles instructions between the work site and the landing where the logs are sent.
** Speeder -- A self-powered vehicle that runs on a railroad track to deliver workers to the logging site.
*** Landing -- Where cut logs are assembled.
**** Hooker -- A guy in charge of the yarding crew.
***** Show -- The logging site.
****** Pecker poles -- A small tree, often found in the understory of the old growth.
******* Bull of the Woods -- A man in charge of all the fallers.
******** Brush apes -- What the loggers called themselves.
********* Faller -- The man who fells the trees.
********** Bucker -- Man who cuts the trees into lengths, usually 40 feet.
*********** Push -- Superintendent of the logging operation.
************* Lumber jacks -- A term used for loggers in movies and books but way too Hollywood to be heard in the woods.

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My favorite word today is vulture. N., oh ye of beady eye. Def.: If your friend is already dead and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, maybe to teach him some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.