We Need the Good Old Days

SCHOOL: 1967-2008

1. Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967. Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jacks shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2008 -- School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

2. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 -- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody joes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2008 -- Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

3. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1967: -- Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 -- Jeffrey given huge dose of Ritalin. Becomes a Zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.

4. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 -- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, becomes a successful businessman.

2008 -- Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

5. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1967 -- Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2008 -- Police called. Mark expelled from school for drug violation. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

6. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1967 -- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2008 -- Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's teacher. English banned for core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

7. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1967 -- Ants die.

2008 -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security and FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, sibling removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

8. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.

1967 -- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2008 -- Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in state prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. Johnny's parents win big lawsuit they filed against school district for son's physical and emotional injuries.

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My favorite word today is rights. N., something everybody needs more/less of. Def.: Sometimes I think you have to march in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.