To Hell With Me

I was born back when dinosaurs ruled the earth but our ancestors, named sperm, were getting off to a pretty good start. Now I am embedded with Old People in an Assisted Living Facility where denture cleanser is a girl's best friend. Life was good in the Old Days, when you could get spermed but not spammed.

Some of the fun I had was listening to my Granddad preach. He was a Missionary Baptist hell-fire-damnation spieler who frequently predicted that Armageddon was right around the corner. (He later cancelled my membership in the church for going to high school dances, so I don't know whether or not I was to be Armageddoned.) He said if we didn't Mend Our Ways we would be going straight to Hell, which was some underground place so vile as to be beyond description. So here is how I think it was described:

Satan was Chief Executive Officer, a forefather of Bernie Ebbers. He ruled in a place where coal fires burned night and day (until the EPA got on his ass for polluting the air and he had to switch to natural gas). You would get 40 lashes a day (20 for each eye), whether you needed them or not. Satan also was Chief Financial Officer, because he knew a lot of people would try to Take It With Them when they died and he had all sorts of scams to separate people from their money.

With men, Satan would squeeze their balls so hard their nuts would pop up into their colons and give them gas. Satan made a pile this way, as he had the Gas-X concession. With women, he would downsize their boobies to an A Cup, which of course is the biggest shame a woman can suffer. Satan lost money on his Victoria's Secret franchise.

Satan also was known as Lucifer because he learned identify theft from a rogue computer nerd. His Social Security number was 666. Satan also is an anagram of "Santa," which meant he could give lots of lumps of coal for Christmas because he had so much anthracite on his hands after switching to natural gas.

Anyway, that's how my Granddad described Hell. I think.

But I'm not buying it. I think Hell is RIGHT HERE in my Assisted Living Facility. Let's see, we've got Alzheimer's, Lou Gehrig's disease, arthritic rheumatism, pneumonia, hernias, anxiety attacks, epilepsy, diabetes, palsy, broken hips, athlete's foot and every kind of cancer known to man (and woman). We're toothless, deaf, dumb, blind and broke.

And besides that, Toshiba hasn't sent my rebate.

Welcome to Hell.