Hoss Helps Out, Once Again

Hoo boy: The best refrigerator magnet ever.

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Every now and then, b**ggers pine away with nothing to report. Like this entry on Aug. 13 from a pal of mine:

"We are still here! Just nothing really exciting to say, and not really any new pictures to show off. Hopefully something of interest will happen soon."

You've been in that box, haven't you? Hardly a b**gger alive hasn't faced the screen and said, "Oh woe, I got my joe, but can I b**g anymo?"

Here comes Hoss with the remedy. I have several ideas that haven't been b**gged lately. Some of these you could turn into a meme. (Well, you could if you was clever like me.)

1. Write a piece about Why Dung Beetles Taste Like Chicken But Not Like Jelly Beans. Avoid further comparisons. This is too deep as it is.

2. Prepare a Powerpoint Presentation on What Is a Powerpoint Presentation? Bullets are permitted.

3. Write a treatise on Why Dick Cheney Is Lovable. I doubt you can get more than 20 words out of this one, so you might combine it with

4. Why George Bush Is Even Less Lovable. You can use up a good supply of adjectives (liar, spend-thrift, and the like) on this one.

5. Explain The Amazing Resemblance Between Ol' Hoss and Clark Gable. For the purposes of your paper, ears don't count.

6. List Your Bank Account Number, User Name and All Passwords. Explain why your passwords are so dumb a caveman could figure them out. Also, give me a one-day running head-start.

7. Decipher The Meaning of Crop Circles. Include pictures from various corn fields, wheat fields, popcorn fields and corn liquor fields. If you have no idea what crop circles are, pretend like you do. Nobody else does, either.

8. Flapjacks or Pancakes: the Bewildering Choices of Emeril. Explain the differences. Provide a recipe for Blackened Flapjacks. Take Emeril out for lunch at the Koney Kart.

9. What the hell difference does it make that Pluto Is a Plain Old Rock? Write from the standpoint of Big Ernie.

10. Give reasons why Roasting Chestnuts on an Open Fire Is Better Than Roasting Chestnuts Some Other Way. Post an afterthought on why macadamia nuts are so expensive. Have some more peanuts.

That should give you plenty of b**g material, and maybe just energize your brain case so you can come up with your own ideas. I do not have an endless supply of these, you know (although it would appear I do).

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My favorite phrase today is Arachnoleptic Fit. N., spider, spider on the wall... Def.: The frantic dance performed just after you have accidentally walked through a spider web.