How to Make the Beer Better

Have you ever wondered what goes on outside your public restroom while you're in it? I think it goes something like this.

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And not only that, but how about some "Momsense" -- a woman giving amusing voice to the William Tell Overture. Click here. (I think this is from Judy's Brag. I think.)

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A long time ago (March??) my best buddy, Vicki, sent me a Beer Troubleshooting Guide. (Oh, wait, I get it: She sent it for St. Patrick's Day, and now here it is almost Christmas. I am so lame.)

Symptom, Cause and Corrective Action:
Feet cold and wet: Glass being held at an incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet: Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog; complain about lack of house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless: a. Glass empty. or, b. You're holding a Coors Lite. Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights: You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes: You have fallen forward. Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Floor moving: You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Beer is crystal clear: It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.

Don't recognize anyone; don't recognize the room you are in: You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer.

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk: a. You're in jail. or, b. You're in the navy. Sleep it off; you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach.

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps: You are in a gay bar. Keep your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for back rubs.

Your singing sounds distorted: The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves.

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My favorite word today is decafalon. N., a cure for St. Vitus dance. Def.: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.