Hoo Boy! We Rate the Oscar Flicks

The nominees have been nominated for nominations for Academy Awards. I am so thrilled. I haven't seen four of these films, but it's pretty obvious what they're about. So I thought I should slip you a thumbnail so you don't need to waste your time figuring it all out. Here's what to know:

"Atonement" -- This is a weeper about Helen Keller and the invention of the tuning fork (a tone, see). There is the typical wounded soldier that Helen re-spiritualizes by singing love and Jesus songs to him. He is enthralled because she is always on key, thanks to the new tuning fork, duplicates of which are now on sale at Wal-Mart for under $10. Rated N.F., for "No Fun".

"Juno" -- This here is about a Roman goddess by name of Juno. Jennifer Garner is in this one, but she isn't the one who gets knocked up. This film isn't real clear about who got whom pregnant, maybe because of all the pregnant pauses, and maybe because Juno is so much to everybody (Goddess of marriage, home and childbirth). Anyway, we know it wasn't Zeus, because he belongs to a different set of God things (Greek). Rated P.G. for obvious reasons.

"No Country for Old Men" -- This came about through an Act of Congress that was aimed at getting those aging illegal immigrants out of the US and A. Unfortunately, the bill covered all of us old dudes, basically saying we have to clear out of the country. The first to go, it seems, were all the old people in cemeteries, since they don't have much legal rights anymore. They were shipped to Guantanamo, headstones to follow. Rated O, for showing in the Oval Office.

"There Will Be Blood" -- This is a scandal about a hospital phlebotomist who couldn't shoot straight. It seems that every time he set out to draw blood he would miss the vein, and the blood would fly all over the place. It got so bad that the star, Daniel Day-Lewis, had to wear a space suit to protect himself from AIDS-blood people. Rated R, for the Color of Money and Blood.

"Michael Clayton" -- Here we got George Clooney (rhymes with Swooney) in another classic sting caper. What happens in this movie, that takes a long time to get through so you might want to carry a pastrami on rye with you in there...what happens in this movie is that George (Michael) gets even with some really bad people without having to Rambo everybody. Rated F, on account of the F word plays such a late, but predominate, role in this flick.

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My favorite phrase today is jog your memory. N., strolling down memory's lane. Def.: What happens when you take your laptop for a run through the park.