An old lady was standing at the rail of a cruise ship holding her hat so the wind wouldn't blow it away. A gentleman approached and said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing upward in this wind?""Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."
"But madam," he protested. "You must know that your derriere is exposed!"
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat."
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A small farmer in Missouri is talking to an agent from the Missouri State Wage and Hour Department. The agent demands to see a list of the farmer's employees and how much he pays each employee.
"Well," said the farmer, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 a month plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
The agent says, "That's the guy I want talk to, the half-wit."
"That would be me," said the farmer.
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My favorite phrase today is show me. Vb., I'm from Missouri. Def.: Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you a-flat miner.
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