Picky, Picky, Picky

A drummer in the school band, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He walks into a music store, approaches the store clerk, and says, "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies, "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator's got to stay."

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Have you ever thought of getting some New Shoes?

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I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon. So they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She says, "No." And Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think. Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She says, "No, they're not." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "I don't care what you think. Eat your lunch and go to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks his Mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His Mom says, "No, they are not up." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom, finally exasperated, says, "Okay, tell me what you think."

He says, "Last night Fred came to my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

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My favorite phrase today is all right. N., when Spring comes. Def.: A story about the guy whose whole left side was cut off.