This Won't Hurt a Little Bit

A midget in New Mexico complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. So, his buddy suggested he go to a doctor.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor to tell him what the problem is. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he'd have a look. The doc lifted one testicle, then the other, checking for a hernia. "No, no hernia," said the doc, but what about this?"

The doctor reached for his surgical scissors and snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side. Then the doctor told him to put on his clothes and see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget dressed and then walked around the room. No ache! "Gee, Doc, what did you do?"

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

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Last night a friend and I were sitting in the den and I said, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, I hope somebody just pulls the plug."

So my pal got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.

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Ed had forgotten Valentine's Day. His wife was really angry, and she told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds. It better be there!"

The next morning, Ed got up really early. Eventually his wife awakened. She looked out the window and -- sure enough -- there was a gift-wrapped box in the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box into the house. She opened it and found a brand new Bathroom Scale.

Pray for Ed.

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My favorite word today is steamy. Adj., almost as good as a sauna. Def.: An unnamed but exotic sexual act which people like to believe that famous film stars get up to in private -- but they don't.