You Can Thank Me Later

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists (yeah, those scientists) have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we will have absorbed more than 1 kilogram of Escherichia coli (E.coli) bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.



Remember: Water = Poop; Beer = Health.



Therefore, it's better to drink beer or wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shit.



(There's no need to pay me for this research. I'm doing it as a public service.)



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Your Living Will



I, (your name here), being of hazy mind and beautiful body, want to cash out quick, and do not wish to be kept alive by artificial means (meaning: the tubes). Under no circumcisions should my end days be put in the hands of pinhead politicians or uneducated Nurse Ratchits.



If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:



____a martini____a margarita____Scotch and water____a Bloody Mary____a gin and tonic____a glass of chardonnay____a beer____a Black Russian____a steak____the remote control____a bowl of ice cream____the Tide Table____chocolate____or ____sex



it should be presumed that I won't get any better and I probably should be pushing up daisies. I hereby instruct my holder of power of attorney and attending physicians (or Nurse Ratchit) to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Shortly thereafter one of you should call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral. They should open with "Silent Night and Days, Too."



Signature_____________________Date____________



Addendum: I have heard that in Ireland they have a Funeral Home with a Pub. They say the patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this puppy and its whereabouts, kindly send it to me. Be quick.



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My favorite word today is chances. N., risk-taking sumbitch. Def.: This is the odds of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering that is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.