When You and I Were Dung, Maggie

(Shown below is what is purported to be an actual  letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman.   The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NY  Times.)

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing  my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber  last month.  By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheek and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for eight years.   You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.  My thoughtfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me  to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, pre-recorded, over-charging faceless entity which your bank has become.  From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.  My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and  confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that  it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.   Please find an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.  Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.  In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN which he/she must quote in dealings with me

I  regret that this number cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.  As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1.  To make an appointment to see me.
2   To query a missing payment
3.  To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.  To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5.  To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 . To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.  To leave a message, a password is required.  Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
8.  To return to the  main menu and to listen  to options 1 through 7 may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
9.    Press ~ for English.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.  May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

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My favorite word today is old.  N., Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.  (Shown below is what is purported to be an actual  letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman.   The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NY  Times.)

Dear Sir: