Athletes in (In)Action

Did you read recently about this "diploma mill," down there in Florida, I think, that churns out passing grades to college athletes who otherwise couldn't play ball? This mill had about four employees, a president and three paper pushers to send out the A's and B's the athletes were getting.

Oh, these athletes had to apply themselves. That is, they had to apply to get in; after that they got good grades for intending to get good grades. Good Ol' Hoss has found one of this school's examination papers:

The Little School That Could

Sociology/History Test; Open Book. Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in Russia?

2. Present a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire, with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions; -OR- provide the first/last name of God.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) sail the ocean (b) lead an army, or (c) WRITE A PLAY?

4. What religion is the Pope: (a) Pakistani (b) Japanese (c) Agnostic (d) Is the Pope Catholic?

5. Metric conversion: How many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. How many commandments was Moses given (approximately)?

7. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Southerners (b) Not Southerners.

8. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

9. Can you explain Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no.

10. What are coat hangers used for, other than unlocking car doors?

11. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Canada (c) Belgium (d) FLORIDA.

12. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?

13. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

14. Where does the rain come from? (a) The sky.

15. Essay: In 20 words or less, list all of the words you know. (HINT: These are words.)

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My favorite word today is gleeful. Adj., oh what fun it is, to ride in a one-horse sleigh. Def.: Winning a $5 bet you can pee in another guy's pocket without smiling.