What If They Gave News and Nobody Came?

At 7 p.m. PST Monday, I have done a guest b**g for Tisha Sharp. It's pretty good bad so-so. But if you wanta see it, which you do, go to where it's at.

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Does this need a caption?

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Strange goings-on today: There was no news.

You may not have noticed, but nothing happened today. Ellen DeGeneres did not have a dog; Obama Barack did not criticize anybody; Hillary did not talk Spanish; nobody died in an 8-truck accident in a California highway tunnel. Nobody stole from anybody, and nobody gave anything back that they stole. Nothing bad happened. Nothing good happened.

Now then, you are a TV station. What do you report?

Steve Bittermouth here, reporting from Downtown:

Uh, Anchorfella? Yesterday there were 3 muggings here. Today? Nada. Zip. Back to you.

Anchorfella: Very good, Steve, way to churn it out. We have Liza Weatherhead here to explain tomorrow's weather.

Liza here, reporting from Mt. Whitney:

Nothing is happening today, Anchor fella. There are no clouds, no rain, no wind, no snow. I would have to say we have nothing. Back to you, Big Fella.

Anchorfella: Do we have any auto accidents? Any husband beating up on his wife? Any wife slicing off her husband's penis? No thefts, no purloins, no hounds of Baskerville?

(Program manager: If you can keep this up for 15 more minutes, we can sign off in victory.)

Larry the Cable Guy: Hold it, fellas, I got some NEWS!

Anchorfella: Yes! Yes! Let's have it!!

Larry the Guy: Yes! Yes! The newspaper has published today's edition -- and it is 32 blank pages! Sort of sums up No News Day, huh?

Anchorfella: You ass. No way does that fill 15 minutes.....

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My favorite word today is irritainment. N., scratch that. Def.: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.