The Doctors Tell All

Some people might think this picture is a composite, but I swear this photo is pure as the driven snow. So it goes, John says.

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Here are some real honest-to-goodness doctor/nurse/patient stories. (Real, as in "according to me".)

A man goes into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" Dr. Mark MacDonald of San Francisco says he grabbed his stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, he noticed: 1. There were other cabs parked there; and 2. He was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of his shift, Dr. Richard Byrnes of Seattle says he placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," he instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf of Detroit was performing his rounds one morning and while checking up on a patient asked, "So, how was your breakfast this morning?" The patient replied, "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." When he asked to see the jelly, the woman produced a foil packet labled "KY Jelly."

A new, young MD doing his residency (and who declined use of his name) says he was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of softly whistling. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, which further embarrassed the doctor. He looked up from his work and said, sheepishly, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

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Here's a new book for women to suggest to their husbands: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Wrong."

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An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

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My favorite word today is nyaaah. N., sort of a space saver. Def.: The 'n' with which cheap advertising copywriters replace the word "and" (as in "fish 'n' chips," "mix 'n' match," and "assault 'n' battery") in the mistaken belief that this is somehow chummy or endearing.