Change Me

Hey, lookie here now, lend me your ears eyes, on accounta I got me an Obamar shirt.

Obama was huge in Oregon on Sunday, drawing 72,000 people to Tom McCall Waterfront Park. 'Twas the largest crowd of his campaign: we know how to do things up right.

I couldn't go on accounta my illness, but he knows I was there in spirits and vodka.

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Here's a root-toot-toot response for your answering machine:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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I sure wish I could spell more better good.


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A man walks injto the street and gets a taxi right away. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "Oh, I don't know. There are always a few clouds hanging over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf like a pro. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. You should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more....He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which utensil to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Frank never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly shined -- he was the perfect man. Never made an error. No one could measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you manage to meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married the bastard's widow."

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My favorite phrase today is disremember me. N., relative of dotage. Def.: The collective name for things for which you find a use immediately after you're thrown them away. For instance, your greenhouse has been cluttered up for years with a huge piece of cardboard and great fronds of gardening string. You at last decide to clear all this stuff out, and burn it. Within 24 hours you will urgently need to wrap a large parcel, and suddenly remember that luckily in your greenhouse there is some cardb...