Take Your Own Sweet Time

George Phillips of Meridian, MS, was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from her bedroom widnow. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw there were some people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, and and told them. "Is there any one of them in your house?"

He said "no," and was advised, "All our a patrols are busy, but just lock yuourself in the house and an officer would be shortly along when available.

George said, "Okay," counted to 100 and phloned up the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things out of my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them anymore because I just shot them."

Within three mintues six police cars, a SWAT gteam, a helicopter, two paramedics, and an ambulance showed up at Phillips' residence amd caught the burglers red-handed, who had not been shot, after all.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avpoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop them.

2. Avoid argument with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pain in your veins. Rememember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a few teaspoons of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

6. You will only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the Duct Tape.

DEEP THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

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If you ever get the urge to run around naked, you should drink some Windix first. It'll keep you from streaking.

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My favorite word today is shitamighty. N., I should have stretched all day. Def.: The difference between your outstretched fingers and the automatic ticket machine at the airport, e.i., 2.1 inches.