How to Settle an Argument

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Alabama. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into your field. Now I want to retrieve it." But the old farmer said, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer, indignant now, said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in rural Alabama. We settle small disagreements with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until somebody gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

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My favorite word today is whacko. N., don't forget the johdpurs. Def.: The final state of mind of a retired colonel just before they come to take him away.