Getting Around Here & There

Hoo boy! I had forgotten about the rabbit! rabbit! until several readers reminded me. See, I posted this on Sept. 30, and wasn't thinking of fricasee at all. So, anyway, here is a timely bunny, which is sort of what you say on the first of the month so you'll have good luck all month long.

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The Honolulu...(Did you know how to pronounce "Honolulu"? If you can pronounce "Ho," as Don Imus certainly does, you are well on your way. Next, say "no." Next, say "I love you, Lou, just the same, the same, Little Lulu I love you just the same." To sum it up, say "Ho ho har de har har," and you'll know what kinds of birds these are. I certainly don't.) ...Zoo is a fairly good place. The monkeys there think the word "zoo" comes from "pornological."

Anyway, the Honolulu ("Ho No") Zoo has most of its animals in pretty small cages. This guy, however, is surrounded by water, and until he learns to swim he will continue to hang out on Gilligan's Island. This is another animal named for me. See, my name is Lowell Eugene Maudlin, who took this picture of a LEMur. Lots of things here are named after me, and this is only the third time I have been here. A little of me goes a long ways.

I don't have an unstable idea of what this is. Its name might be "Meme." It is a knee biter. It is also Hawaii's State Bird, and they are in pretty short supply. I think they have the Dodo complex. (You know that old saying, "Deader 'n' a Dodo?" It comes from "Deader Than a Dinosaur in Amber". These birds don't have any utility, far as I can tell. Or maybe they are good to eat.

I am told there are some of these in the mainland US of A. I believe its name is "Booger Villa." Something like that. These flowers are not in the Zoo, but on the way to it. Fella here says, "Just follow the Boogers and you'll come to the zoo." It was unclear if he meant nose pickings or lavender flowers, so we took no chances and followed both.

This, though, is in the Zoo. It's a tree of which somebody has taken advantage, so it looks like a Three-Toed Sloth, or maybe a Dung Beetle. Anyway, it is almost life-size and it's pretty interesting. If you like Wombats.

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My favorite phrase today is hard drive. N., some lobbies are slower than others. Def.: What you're facing when you start to go home in the winter.

Hell From Mr. Basket Case

I didn't know Scamp was taking pictures of me in all my glory. So here are some randomized thefts from her camera. This picture is of me on our hotel's patio, trying to pick up an Internet connection. I am "blanketed" to block out the sun. No soap. One has to go to one's hotel lobby to pick up one's connection.

Here I be doing my rest-up exercises: Watching TV. I can also watch TV from my bed. But I don't much watch much, because this hotel cheaped out on the connection. We can get ABC, CBS, NBC, Public Television, and ESPN. Fortunately we get Monday Night Football. It starts at 2:30 p.m.

If I am going to go anywhere, which I am, Scamp has to give me a ride. Here I am at the Honolulu Zoo, watching monkeys watching me. It seems I can only walk a block without having to stop for a rest. The Zoo is about 300 rests away, meaning it would take 2 million light years, or thereabouts, for me to walk there. Scamp is a cool cat.

This is in here to prove we have a bathroom. Scamp set me up in a chair, since it takes quite awhile for me to do my lave. I take these pills: Chloresterol, thyroid, edema, allergy, baby aspirin, Prilosec, fish oil, vitamin C, multi-vitamin and iron. I also use two inhalers, albuterol and Spiriva. Then I go to breakfast and announce that I couldn't eat another bite.

From this vantage point I can keep in touch with you: This is me in the hotel lobby. From here I can type some useless facts, like, the most expensive home in nearby Kahala has four bedrooms and a gardener, who keeps the place spiffy for the once-a-year visit by its owner, a Japanese businessman. He shelled out $64 million for the house, which isn't even on the beach.

Two can play this game: This is a picture of Scamp on the local boardwalk (which is made of concrete). She did not know I took this picture. We seem to be equally sly.

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My favorite word today is nap. N., a putdown of your kid. Def.: My happy hour.

Oh, Give Me a Roam.....

This is a window in a room of our former hotel. Notice all the slant stuff? It was hard to know whether you were standing upright in there. Anyway, we moved from there because we are so sharp.

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They do not have any grits or collard greens here. Seems like a southern city, though, at least temperature-wise.

They are big on names, too, much like The South, which has Bubba and LeRoy running one-two. Reading the Birth Announcements, I came across this one: Exodus Kekia'iokeanuenueokeola N'u Francisco. His parents call him Moses for short.

But that doesn't hold a candle to this one: Chantilly Kalena'alohaku'ukokaua Hiwahiwaho'okahipukealloha Puha. Her parents call her Burdened.

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We have figured out (partially) the bus system. Yesterday we went to Ala Moana (shopping) Center by taxi. Cost with tip: $15. Returned home via bus. Cost: Zip. (The bus driver took pity on an ancient and wizened Ol' Hoss and let him -- and his Scamp -- ride for free. Normally the cost is $2, except for seniors, which we are, who pay $1.)

Almost forgot to report: People here had naming contests to name the bus system and the trolley system, which are run by the city. After much stretching and straining, here is what they came up with:

Bus system: The Bus
Trolley system: The Trolley

People here seem to spend more time surfing and shopping. Creativity is way down the list.

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My favorite word today is pome. N., some kinda fruit? Def.: What rhymes in Mobile.

Here's Tricky Stuff From Waikiki

Boy howdy, I go through a lot just to entertain you. I have tried everything under the sun and moon to get some pictures to you. Microsoft has relented and let me show you the beach at Waikiki, which is pretty full of people, some of whom are surfboarders. Note also there also are some non-surfboarders.

See the ocean? It is a big body of water, that goes all the way to China, which is where it will become an Olympic event, I guess.

See the pretty flowers? These are Hoo Boy Posies, named after me. They were hanging from a wall at eye level in an alley between me and the beach.

Scamp is pushing my ass everywhere in my wheelchair, which works out good because everywhere is where the food is. Yesterday, some pigeons and some Hoo Boy Doves (named after me) joined us for lunch. What is the incubation period for Bird Flu?

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Now then, I did not take this picture because it is not Be Kind to Animals Week. Otherwise I would have. This classic photo is from my buddy Richard, who says this is a portrait of Bambi and Thumper. It's another in a series of Strange Animal Bedfellas.

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My favorite word today is shades. N., as opposed to cleaning the window. Def.: Sun glasses that, if you're going to Hawaii, you do not want to leave home without.

Glad You're Not Here

Now and then you see desperate anglers -- and then you don't.

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I am having trouble (right here in River City) getting pictures into my camera, so you will have to be patient while I sort it out.

We arrived safely on Tuesday with no difficulties. The landing was so smooth the fire didn't go out under my crack pipe. So we get to where we had hotel reservations and horror-of-horrors it was not what it was cracked up to be. In fact, it was cracked in several places.

So Scamp bailed us out of there and has us at Ohana West. All the good stuff happens at Ohana East. But it is only a block away,

I got a nifty picture of a flower unlike any you (me, at least) have ever seen. Small red and white blossoms. I will probably have to shoot it again. In the meantime, you will have to get along with this. It is, of course, a Hoo Boy Borealis, named for me because I am so cool. Our next vacation will take us somewhere near there to have as a diversion while we pan for gold in the Yukon River.

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I will not be able to visit many of you for awhile, since my only computer connection is in the lobby of this hotel, which is awash in bad shapes and screaming knee-biters. An old guy like me cannot take much of this.

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Here's an excerpt from an actual history essay by a schoolchild, as quoted in "Mr. McGreevy's Absolute Howitzers":

"In the middle of the 18th Century, all of the morons moved to Utah."

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My favorite phrase today is on sale. Adj., such a deal I have for you. Def.: A sign in Hawaii that points you toward merchandise that only costs twice as much as at home.

Living Life Backassward

Tomorrow, the Scamp and I go off to Hawaii. I intend to become a poi-master.

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I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home and start feeling better each day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for high school: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby.

You spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then....You finish off as an orgasm.

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This guy goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread."

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Here's from an MSNBC report discussing Michele Obama:

"But one facet remains a mystery: What kind of first lady would she be?

"This question is something rarely asked of the better known and understood Bill Clinton and Elizabeth Edwards."

Bill Clinton? First Lady? I do not think he will look good in a skirt....

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My favorite word today is gargoyle. N., strange thing, like a Medusa. Def.: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

What's Your 10 Best?

The other day I was rambling about Al Gore's Internet and I chanced across "Sudiegirl's perfect dinner party!" What it really is, is it's a meme, which I am stealing from Sudie, who stole it from somebody else. What you do is you make up a dinner for 10. These people can be alive or dead. So I picked mostly dead people, drumming up some business for my Reincarnation Guy.

Here's the meal: Vegan pizza and beer.

Here are the 10 people:

Da Vinci. What I want to ask this guy is, does Mona Lisa have bad teeth? I have wondered this for a long time.

Amelia Earhart. Pretty straightforward here: Did you survive the crash? Is Fred Noonan related to Alfred E. Neumann?

Thomas Jefferson. This is my buddy. And I'm hoping to get some b**g ideas from him. Maybe something about Independence, MO, would be good. Heck, he might even let me know if he buried any cash around Monticello.

Jesus. This will be my best chance to clear up a mystery: Lots of people pronounce this name not as "Gee'-zus" but as "Hay'-sus." I'd like Mr. Jesus to clear this up for us. Also, I'd like to know who rolled the rock away.

Humphrey Bogart. Here's looking at you, Bogie. I might encourage him to bring something, like a Maltese falcon.

Tom McCall. This former Oregon Governor was never at a loss in any group. He would like to tell the guys and girls why they can't live in Oregon.

Teddy Roosevelt. I would love to get his take on the environmental regulations that Bush regularly trashes. I hope Teddy doesn't blow a gasket.

Franklin D. Roosevelt. One of the best Presidents of all time. Had it not been for him there would be no Rosie Riveters (and lots of other things).

Rachel Carson. This is just so we can all give her a pat on the back and say "Well done."

Me. Well, hell, somebody has to go get the pizza!

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This is why you should not poke an angry leopard with a stick.

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My favorite word today is esplanade. N., need a rhyme for parade? Def.: Attempt an explanation while drunk.

Ain't They Just the Sweetest Things?

This is a gas. It's all about how one guy with a hate for telemarketers shows us a way of getting even.

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Some of you tried to top my caption for Monday's picture (Moon River). No can do. But here are the runners-up:

3. Teacher Woman: "Cul-ing Off" ("Cul" is French for ass. The Teacher Woman is a French teacher, so she should know.)
2. Vicki (via husband Rich): "In the shallow end of the Gene pool."
1. Shane: "Hey, honey, maybe we can park our water bicycles here."

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Now for the "aw" factor:

















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My favorite word today is Ping Tong. N., my motor is making this ticking sound. Def.: The Ping family that runs the rackets in Chinatown.

If You Die Today, I Will Talk to You Tomorrow

Back to the veggie garden: I growed this little sucker, which isn't so little in fact. It weighs 18 pounds, almost as much as your last baby. This here is a winter squash, name of Galeux d'Eysines. It might be French.

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Here are some sillies that people have said from time to time:

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina.

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -Keppel Enderbery.

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -Mark Fowler, FCC chairman.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Joe Theisman, NFL sports analyst.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -Bill Clinton, President. (I bet you thought this was something W would say.)

"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas.

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -Al Gore, Vice President.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton.

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I am going to give you one guess to come up with a caption for this photo. If you are funnier than I am, you win something of my choosing, which won't be worth much but you'll have the glory of knowing you beat me at something. Here's my caption: "Moon River"*

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My favorite word today is foreploy. N., ho ho har de har har, very clever. Def.: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

(*Let me point out this is not a buttcrack photo. This is whole ass, so it doesn't count against me.)

Prince Charming (My Ass)

A WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed;
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'How big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. This doesn't rhyme, and, like this cat, I don't give a shit.

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The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you take in the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I do not buy toilet paper there.

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My favorite word today is secret. N., mum's the word. Def.: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Saving Money on the Military

Somebody has finally figured out how to make your tax dollars go farther when it comes to war with Iraq -- or anybody else, as far as that goes. Why didn't Bush think of this?



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The ending of some plays in football can be pretty grim funny.

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The football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks of books looking confused, she asked if she could be of help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

He scanned the shelves and responded: "William."

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One of the best singles ads ever printed:

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car (whatever make or model -- I'm not fussy), hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call 503-898-xxxx, and ask for Daisy. I'll be waiting."

More than 15,000 men found themselves talking to the ASPCA about an 8-week-old Labrador retriever.

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My favorite word today is osteopornosis. N., dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones... Def.: A degenerate disease.

Cleaning Up the Trip Photos

This is to finish off our trip to the sumbeach. I know you vastly care. This pic and the one below were taken by my partner, Scamp, for I cannot walk that far. She is so good to me.

This here is a pile of real whale rib bones (Gray Whale), stuck in the ground in an artistic fashion just north of our motel. I say artistic because some artist arranged dem bones dem bones dem dry bones.


This is a carved stone at the foot of dem bones describing what it's all about, whodunit, etc. If you click on the picture it might be big enough for you to read what's what. (It wasn't for me, so I used a magnifying glass.) The stone was placed by the Siletz Indian Tribe.

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Now then, this picture is of my De-Fib-ulator, which was sent to me by Momma K out of the booty she collected at the Chicago Blogher Conference. I thanked her for it, but I had to point out that operating it was beyond me, and I am looking for some 12-year-old to show me how to use it.

(Question: Why would Momma K think I, of all people, should need a toy that tells other people if I am fibbing or not? Everybody knows I always tell the truth, even when I don't.)

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I have ordered up a new camera, because I deserve it. My present pic-maker is o.k. for most things, but I have a thing for birds, and most of them are at long-range. So when it gets here in about a week I will take a picture of the Lesser Goldfinches that are robbing our feeder and show you what a swell picture-taker fellow I am.

Oh, existing camera is a Canon PowerShot A540. New camera is a Sony DSLR A100, with two lenses going up to 300 mm. Goldfinchers need to be sly to evade me now.

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My favorite word today is cashtration. N., 4 bedrooms and 1/2 bath. Def.: The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

And a Dead Man's Chest*

I bet you thought I had run out of rabbits. Never happen. And so: Rabbit! Rabbit! (See, you say this at the first of the month and you'll have plenty good luck. According to the Pez Family, anyway.)

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This is one of the swell original cartoons that are done by my buddy, Sim. He's a crafty young guy.

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I got trapped into doing one of those computer questionnaires; this one was designed to tell me my "real age" as contrasted with my present years age of 76.8. After assessing my various troubles (heart, lungs) and my pills (synthroid, chloresterol, etc.), the site declared that I am in "pretty good shape for a guy whose body age is 90.3."

That would be funny if it weren't so ridiculous.

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Two men were driving through town when they got pulled over. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "Whack!" -- the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Wilsonville, son," the cop answered. "When we pull you over in Wilsonville, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," he replied. "I'm from California and didn't know your laws here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license -- and finds out he's clean. So he gives the guy his license back, then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The passenger rolled down the window and "Whack!" -- the cop belted him with his nighstick.

"What did you do that for?" asked the passenger.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the cop.

"Making WHAT wish come true?"

"I know you Californians," the cop says. "Two miles down the road you were going to say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole had tried that shit with me.'"

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My favorite word today is sarchasm. N., representative of the Grand Canyon. Def.: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

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(*This is another of those titles that doesn't mean anything. I have lots of those.)

Just Hunker Down

The psycho cats are worth a look-see, according to me.

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Sometimes, the most joyful moment of my day is sitting down on the toilet. How about yours? (This gem comes to us courtesy of Vitamin Sea, down there in FLA.)

This, by the by, is FLA.

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As long as we're in Florida:

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette out of the dealership. Taking to the road, he floored it to 80, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought, as he flew down I-75. Looking in his rearview mirror he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

So he did naturally what any Florida boy would do: He gunned it to 100, then 110, then 120! But then he thought, "What am I doing? I am too old for this." And so he pulled to the side of the road.

The trooper walked up and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

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Groucho Marx: "Peter O'Toole is really lucky. He has two penis names."

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My favorite word today is testickle. N., let your ball hair hang low. Def.: A humorous question on an exam.

The Peachy Sumbeach

10:30 a.m., 8/25 -- Facing a drive of 106 miles from Wilsonville to Newport, Ore., we get off to a late start, on account of I packed too much stuff: tooth glue, two inhalers, Ambesol, hair brush, extra camera batteries, extra hearing aid batteries, extra TENS* battery, air gauge, razor, cotton swabs, ear medicine, nasal spray, harmonica, phone, dung beetle decoder ring, vitamins, thyroid medicine, chloresterol pills, Tylenol 3, sleep aids. Maybe that's all. Oh, wait: shorts, t-shirts, shirts, pants, socks, coat, hat, aerator, extra cannula.

12:15 p.m., 8/25 -- Blackfish Cafe, Lincoln City. Interesting little place. Scamp had, for dessert, a thing called "Pot o Creme." Smooth as silk, hardly any calories (two eggs, rum, whipping cream). Later: "O the joy! Ocian in view!!" Which is what Lewis, or Clark, said on reaching the Oregon Coast. They wound up in the rainy part. We had nothing but sunshine.



3:30 p.m. 8/25 The Whaler, a motel for discriminating people like Scamp and me. This is a view from our window. As you can see, the Pacific Ocean is quite large. (I think it goes all the way to China, where the Chinese throw in the pollution that causes global warming.)

4 p.m., 8/25 This flick is of Boiler Bay. It is not good for much, but does show that the Pacific Ocean is blue, as opposed to the Atlantic Ocean, which is green. The green comes from envy.

5 p.m., 8/25 Picked up some fresh crab at a local gin mill. Ate it with Wheat Thins and Avocado, which we brought along just for this purpose. I ate with vodka. Scamp had wine. We overnighted quite nicely.

8:30 a.m., 8/26 Breakfast at Stephanie's. Some people have Breakfast at Tiffany's. We do not have a Tiffany's Outlet in Oregon, which means we save a lot of money. Little hole-in-the-wall joint with six people waiting at the door after we finally got in. I never told you about it, capice?


10:30 a.m., 8/26 This ia a view south from Cape Perpetua, which is about 1500 feet above the ocean. Since the camera is cheap it does not show the sardines, which are at top, right.

6 p.m., 8/26 Here you go: That's Scamp on the left, Shari top right, and Kathy in front. Kathy and husband Jeff were hosting us at their beachfront cabin (which is about 2000 square feet with 3 bedrooms). Later we quaffed some wine that Kathy took to the eatery (perfectly legal) and ate at the Saffron Cafe. None of us could afford saffron. I thought I could afford lamb but, surprisingly, it was both dear and wearing. This is what scientists call "too bad."



9 a.m., 8/27 Wouldn't you know it? We are on our way home and we run across Lois Lane, a b**gger who lives in Illinois. Hi, Lois.

Also on the way home we stopped and visited the Evergreen Museum, which houses the Spruce Goose, Howard Hughes's monstrous airplane that was made mostly of birch. A picture of same would not do it justice, for I couldn't see much more than the nose in my viewfinder. This sucker is 218 feet long, has a wingspan of 319 feet, and it took an elevator to get into the cabin. We stole this from California.

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No word of the day today. Instead I give you my pal Jimmy's vision of Satan's lair:

"Hell has been described as a place where the police are German, the politicians are French, the chef was British, and the music was accordion."

I'm Off Yonder

Today the Scamp and I headed toward the Oregon Coast for a long weekend. I shall return to this place along about Tuesday. If I am not here then, I will have died. But with the Laws of Reincarnation in effect, I should make it by Wednesday.