It's So Nice to Be on High

It is the time for Christmas (or Hannakkuh or Kwanzza, whatever you're into) gifts. I am giving away dead batteries. They are free of charge.

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I wonder if monkeys can tell jokes as well as we can? We'll see.....

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

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When four of Santa's elves got sick (click on "Merry Xmas" to see why they were sick), the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and he had no idea where they were. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa, even more irritated, marched to the door, yanked it open -- and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. (That's a story that lens itself to laughter.)

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My favorite word today is reboot. Adj., I'm not quite ready. Def.: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.