Sweet Addle Mine

Did you ever make a phone call that ended this way? You ring some company, and the answer is, "Oh, could you please hold for a minute?" Then you are put on hold before you can say "No."

Ten minutes go by, and she returns to the phone, breathless: "Is anyone helping you?" "No," you say, "I've been on hold for the last 10 or 11 minutes."

"Oh, dear, you should have called earlier. Our office hours are 8 to 5 p.m. Pacific Time. Try us tomorrow."

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Pike's Peak isn't a peak at all. It's a crater. If only looks high because the area around it is so much lower.

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Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes.

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What really addles me is how to build a car. I mean, do you first stand one tire up and start connecting things to it? Where do the other three tires come in? When do you put in the axles and/or rods and gas tanks? Where should we put the electrical outlets?

Maybe if you got me started I could wing it. Maybe not, though.

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When I was about 14 I retired. See, I was making $250 a month (this was in 1944, when $250 could be counted as My Pile). In fact, a fella could get by on $200 a month. You might not be able to buy much wine, but, of course, nobody drank wine back then. We drank beer, lots of it.

The other reason I was able to retire was I was in such good health. I could never figure out people nowadays, who work till they're 65 and all decrepit. No, the thing is you want to retire early, while you're feeling good.

Too bad you can't go back to age 14 with your $250 a month and retire. Well, that is, YOU can't. I can, since I plan to reincarnate pretty soon.

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Another thing I can't build are steamships. Maybe if somebody gave me a map....Nah, I think I'll just go ahead a retire as a steamship builder. It will look good on the old resume.

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My favorite word today is procession. N., pump the circumstance. Def.: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.