Not All the Children Are Brainiacs

Here are some excerpts from actual history essays by schoolchildren, from the book "Mr. McGreevey's Absolute Howlers."

"In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java."

"When Elizabeth exposed herself before the troops, they all shouted 'hurrah'. Then her Navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo."

"In the middle of the 18th Century, all the morons moved to Utah."

"Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."

"When things didn't go as planned, Stalin used the peasants as escape goats."

"When Caesar was assassinated, he is reported to have said, 'Me too, Brutus.'"

"President Carter faced the Iran Hostess Crisis."

"The USA and USSR became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent."

"The Wholey Roman Empire amazed many when it was found in Germany."


"Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.'"

"Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large."

"The Jews were a proud people but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals."

"Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion."

"A major discovery was made by Mary Leakey, who found a circle of rocks that broke wind."

"Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva."

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My favorite word today is pew. N., don't sit in it. Def.: A medieval torture device still found in many churches.