I Hope You Don't Get a 'Whatever'

Whut you spose this is? (I bet you said it was ass-crack, knowin' how famous I am for showin' things like that to you-all.)

Well, it ain't!

This are an apple that sorta doubled in on itself. Woulda made a fine butt-crack tho, if that's what I had in mind (which I usually do. Heh).

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Now then, ifn I wanted to show you real butt-crack, I prolly woulda come up with somethin' like this here. Which I ain't ever seen the like of. You?

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9 Words Women Use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before you start helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Whatever it was you were planning to do -- Don't Do It.

5. Loud sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot (and of course you are) and she wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome." (I should add a clause here: This advice is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot," which is pure sarcasm and she intends no thanks at all. DO NOT say "You're welcome" -- that will bring on a whatever.

8. Whatever: This is a woman's way of saying "F**k you."

9. Don't worry about it; I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.

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My favorite phrase today is seasoned veteran. N., it took him until November. Def.: This is the guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray.