Hoss Is Once Again Coining Dough

It has been awhile since I touted you to invest in my latest money-making scheme. I have been stalling because I needed to wait for a new tax year. (My last idea made a lot of money, but Uncle Sam got most of it so I am once again in the "needy" class.)

So now then, loosen up your grip on your money jar because you will want to get a piece of this action, known hereafter as Ol' Hoss's Day-Glowed Ad Works. Which should tip you right off that this is another of my winners. And so's you know what you're gettin' into, I'll give you the company highlights:

We are going to do what Google is doing, only without a computer. Tah-rah-de-boom-te-ay: We will be putting ads on hearses (you can credit this one to Gerald Ford). Can't you just imagine the free TV time we would have got from an ad on Ford's hearse? (Think of it! We could sell a lot of tapes by advertising some tie-in music such as "Goin' Down the Road Feelin' Bad." Or we coulda advertised our own reincarnation business -- "Lassie Come Home.")

Serious, I think the TV gave more time to that hearse than they did to OJ's slow trip in a Bronco to some gloves that didn't fit. If we coulda got the Marlboro Man on the side of that Ford hearse we'd never have to work again in our lifetimes. (Well, maybe YOU wouldn't have to work again. But since I am not planning to die I might have to figure out something.)

Anyway, somebody dies every day, and if we get our ads on all the hearses that will put us in the Forbes List of 100 Billionaires, maybe as high as No. 10. Shares in my new company will be available soon. (Not all of them, of course. I have to keep some on hand to grant myself some backdated stock options. Us rich people didn't get rich by accident, you know.)

I don't think Ford would be offended by this. He WAS a Republican, you know. And jeeze, he would have loved the tie-in potential: "Ford Signals the Death Knell for the Taurus."

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My favorite word today is dilemma. Def.:

Perched in my shorts on the edge of the bed,
With a shoe in my hand and my teeth in a cup,
I'm looking for clues, so I won't have to ask:
Am I going to bed now or just getting up?