Pepsi Speaks Out for Reincarnation

When the big-wigs transfer their slogans outside the U.S., it sometimes don't work out. No sirree. For instance, Pepsi took its slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi generation" to Taiwan, and saw it instantly translated as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead." And KFC took "Finger-lickin' good" to China, where it became "Eat your fingers off."

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Sign in Ballindaloch, Scotland: "BEWARE. Free range children. SLOW."

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President Lincoln, unlike me, believed in God. But he had his doubts about invoking God to be on his side in the Great War.

"In great contests, each party claims to act in accordance with the will of God," he said. "Both may be, and one must be, wrong."

You can take that to your friendly jihad meeting.

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A Jewish debtor, called in for an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

He asked the same thing of his lawyer, but got opposite advice. "Do not let them intimiate you," he advised. "Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The rabbi answered: "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

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My favorite word today is uglified. Adj., short version of uglification. Def.: The kind of facial experession it is impossible to achieve except when you're posing for a passport photo.