Sing Me a Headstone

For the record, Bernadette and Mamacita, I have indeed read H*y*m*a*n K*a*p*l*a*n. Great yarn about a Muslim who's holed up in a San Francisco gay bar, as I recall.

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LOUD SEX: A wife goes in to see a therapist and says, "I've got a big problem. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."

The therapist says, "My dear, that's completely normal. I don't see what the problem is."

The lady responds, "The problem is, it wakes me up!"

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QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She: "You're never home."

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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife -- cold as ever.'"

"Yeah," she replies, "and when you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my husband -- stiff at last.'"

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WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX: Her husband came home with a tube of K-Y Jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

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My favorite phrase today is perfect lover. N., nibble, nibble. Def.: What turns into a pizza at 4 a.m.