Walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St. Peter at the entrance."Welcome to heaven," says St. Pete. "But before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"I don't see that as a problem," says the senator. "Just let me in."
"Well, I'd like to," says Pete. But I have orders from higher up. I think what we're going to do is have you spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you can choose where you wish to spend eternity."
With that, Pete escorts her to the elevator and down goes the senator, down, down, down to hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a beautiful golf course. In the distance is the clubhouse and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her.
Everyone is happy. They run to greet her, shake her hand and reminisce about the good old days. They play a friendly game of golf, then go to dinner where they have lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who is really a very friendly guy who has a good time telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. There she sees St. Peter, who says, "Now it's time to visit heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of souls who move from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They walk the streets of gold, talk with Jesus and generally have a pretty good time. And then the 24 hours is gone, and St. Peter returns.
"Well," he says, "you have spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a moment and then answers, "Well, I would never have believed it, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Pete escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. It is hot, and it is loud with moaning and screaming of the dead. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash as more of it falls from above.
"I don't understand," says the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and had a great time. What happened?"
The devil looks at her, smiles, and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, the election results are in."
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My favorite phrase today is old age. N., it really does get better than this. Def.: When your wife tells you to suck in your gut, and you already have.
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